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But I do need to at least glance at Lance, to see what his expression is. Once I have seen his face and I know how he’s feeling about everything I will be able to decide about what’s next.
Oh God. My heart stops beating the moment I peer around the door frame to see Lance’s face which has absolutely no color in it at all. He looks even more shocked as he reads than I thought he would be. He definitely isn’t taking this well, which means I can’t be connected to him anymore. I need to get him out of here before he wrecks everything, before he destroys me. I can already feel a sickness swirling in my stomach now. And that’s not to mention the tears that are threatening to come all over again. I can’t cry more… I can’t…
“I need to be alone,” I blurt out, probably a bit too loudly. Lance looks alarmed as he meets my eyes. “I need you to leave. Today has been bad enough, I don’t want to deal with you as well.”
“But, Millie…” He rises to his feet and tucks his cell phone away. But that isn’t just a phone to me. Not anymore. It’s a weapon which holds all of the words to take me down. “I don’t like any of that…”
“No.” My arms fold protectively across my chest. “I don’t like any of it either. But it happened. It’s my life. It’s what happened to me, so all I can do is live with it. Or try and run away from it. Whatever comes first.”
“You don’t need to run away from me. You don’t need to escape. Not when it comes to me…”
He’s stepping closer to me, coming far too close to me, infecting my personal space in a way that I can’t stand. I can already feel my lungs closing increasingly by the second and he’s only making it worse. Of course, I have felt more fear. When Dante used to get near me towards the end, that was an ice-cold terror that was on another level, but this is still triggering me and makes me ill. I can feel myself about to erupt with crazy in a moment.
“I need you out of here,” I bark, my anxiety shining through my voice. “I need you gone.”
“I want to talk about this, Millie. I want you to know that you aren’t alone here. That I am here with you.”
“You can’t be here.” There is a thick ball of emotion in my throat and I can’t swallow it down however hard I try. “Being around you is what caused me to be exposed. You can’t be here now.”
“But I don’t want to leave. I can’t go. You shouldn’t be alone right now…”
I don’t care how panicked he is right now. I’m in far more of a state than he could ever be. The closer that he is to me, the more anxiety I get. I start pointing towards the door and when he doesn’t get the hint, I push him in that direction. This is much ruder than I would normally act, but this isn’t a typical situation. My desperation to get this man out of house completely over shadows everything else. I need to be by myself.
“But Millie, please,” he begs as I take him towards the door. “Please talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want you here, Lance. You bring the press with you. Whether you mean to or not, it doesn’t matter. They follow you everywhere and I can’t stand it.”
It isn’t easy, but I get Lance outside my door. He continues yelling at me, begging me to keep him with me, but I slam the door hard. Relief floods me once he’s gone because I honestly do feel right now that I am the only person I can trust. I don’t directly blame Lance for what happened, nor do I have any kind of anger towards him for his reaction to the horrible information that he learned about me and my past today, but I definitely can’t be around him either. There is already less pressure on me now that I’m by myself…
Not that the sense of calm lasts for long. As soon as I catch my breath that I must have lost while Lance was in the room with me, the sadness wraps itself around me once more. It clings to me like a tight scarf and won’t let me go. I don’t think I have the tears to cry again but I’m certainly crushed and depressed.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I stare at my own cell phone like it’s the enemy, not wanting to answer it to anyone. The only thing that draws me towards it at all is the idea that it might be my dad once more. I did kinda hang up on him in a hurry because I wanted to see who was on the other side of the door. He might want to check that I’m okay.
