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My pulse thumps as I furrow my brow. “Hold me back?”
“Maybe this sounds a little presumptuous. But I didn’t want you to make any big decisions based on me. Where I was, where I wanted to go. I knew how much potential you had, and I wasn’t gonna mess with that.”
“Jesus,” I say.
“I know. Another surprise, that I totally screwed myself over by thinking too much.”
I let out a breath. Even to my ears, dulled by countless games in countless deafening stadiums, it sounds anguished.
A familiar anger sparks to life inside my gut.
I take a sip of water. “Listen. I really fucking enjoyed what went down last night. That much was obvious, right?”
Another tight smile. “I had my suspicions.”
“You’re a gorgeous girl, and goddamn are you one hell of a kisser. Kills me to think about all the kissing we’ve missed out on. But as great as it was, it can’t happen again.”
I watch the lines of her throat work as she swallows. “Why not?”
“Because I need to protect you.”
“Protect me? From what?”
“From me, Bel.” I lock eyes with her, silently begging her to understand.
To stop looking at me with that soft heat in her eyes.
I watch her cross her legs, then tuck the flat of her hand between them.
My control is hanging by a thread.
“The depression I told you about is only part of the story.” I look at the fire. “I’ve told you about the headaches I’ve been getting over the past couple of years. And you know about my insomnia.”
“I have about two hundred emails you’ve sent me between the hours of two and five AM.”
“Sounds about right. But recently, it’s all gotten worse. I have trouble focusing sometimes, and my moods are harder to control. There’ve been a few instances when my behavior…Bel, it’s not me. For a while, I could kind of mitigate the mood stuff and the sleep with exercise, diet, meditation, that kind of thing. I’ve tried it all, but it hasn’t been working the way it used to. My family was worried. I was, too. So I went to see a doctor. Many doctors, as a matter of fact. Got a bunch of scans. I’ve had a suspicion for a while now, given my family history—” Another gulp of water. Holding it in my hands, I look down at it, pulse thumping in my throat. Bel puts her hand on my back. “Bel, the docs think I have probable degenerative brain disease. CTE. Same as my dad.”
She stares at me, her eyes welling with tears.
I notice the glass in her hand starts to shake.
Bel’s other hand wraps around the back of my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “My God, Beau. I’m sorry. So, so sorry.” She sets down her glass and sits up, angling her knees to face me. My heart clenches when I see she’s crying. “Talk to me. Tell me everything.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” I reach over and wipe away a tear with my thumb. I’m crying, too. “I’ll be honest, I’m not sure I would have if what happened last night hadn’t gone down. I didn’t want to upset you with everything you’ve got going on. I didn’t want to tell you when you were pregnant, either…”
“Upset me?” She holds the back of her thumb against her nose and sniffs. “Beau, I had a baby. I’ll recover. Eventually. But you have a disease. That trumps everything. I’m sorry. I know I keep saying that, but I just…I feel horrible for you. Especially considering—”
“Daddy?” I take a breath. “I know.”
“Well, him. And now your brothers, too. Do they know?”
“My family knows, yes. But no one else does. Not yet. I’m not ready to share the news. I think I’m still kind of digesting it myself. As far as my brothers are concerned, obviously Samuel and Hank are already retired. They didn’t play as long as I did, and the positions they played don’t get as much contact. So hopefully they won’t…” I nod, then swallow. “I’m working on Rhett. He’s still young, and he thinks he’s invincible. I did, too, when I was that age. But he knows about me, and he knows I want him to retire. I’m hoping it’ll be in the next year or two.”
Bel nods and says, quietly, “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m very sorry you’ve been suffering alone.”
“It’s not your fault.” I reach for her, taking her hand and twining our fingers. Her touch feels…nice. A reassurance I need right now, even if I am sending mixed signals. “And I haven’t been alone. You know my family. For better or worse, they’re always up my ass.”
She laughs. “Oh, I know.”
“Seriously, though, they’ve been awesome. They make sure I take care of myself. Make sure I get the help I need.”
“Good. What can I do? How can I help?”
