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With his lips against me, he mumbles, “You’re a good girl, Cat.”
And with that, he turns and walks away, leaving me feeling warm and happy, and unusually Christian-like.
Chapter Nine
“How many times must I tell you to watch what you say? We have guests,” Ari hisses heatedly.
Frankie rolls her eyes. “Okay, Ms Partypooper. Chill out, will you? No one’s even in here.”
The two would-be nuns, totally dressed the part, keep me company while I bake. They’ve already spotted the bags under my eyes and made obnoxious comments that people who care about you just do. I decide to tell them about my little night adventure with Xavier.
Moving around the kitchen, gathering ingredients from here and there, I try to work it in. “How about cranberry white choc muffins today? You think Tomas will eat them? I hope he does. You know, maybe I should wait for him to get up. He might like to help me cook. I should clean the workbench. Speaking of cleaning, I helped Xavier bathe this morning around five a.m. Do you think he’d like cranberry white choc muffins?”
When neither of them says anything, I peek up to find them both gaping at me.
My cheeks begin a slow burn. “Well?”
Frankie blinks then chuckles, “You just threw that in there, huh? Like we wouldn’t notice?”
My shoulders slump. I look up, sheepishly. “I was kind of hoping. Yeah.”
Ari smiles softly, standing gracefully behind the counter. “What has happened to your gung-ho attack on the boy?”
Honesty is best with these two. I tip flour into a bowl, add butter and begin to crumble it together with my fingertips. “If it makes you feel any better, I punched him too.”
Frankie cackles. “What the hell did you get up to last night? I should change your codename to Night Chaos.”
I look to Frankie and put on the stupidest laugh I can muster. I mutter sarcastically, “You’re, like, so funny.”
Ari prompts, “Well?”
I sigh, “I actually went to his room to yell at him. I told him in not so many words that he was a horrible person and an even worse brother. And you know what he told me?” They look at me intently. “That everything he’s doing, he does for Tomas. Because he loves him.” I use my upper arm to scratch my chin. “I guess I just realised that we have a common interest is all. And if he’s really doing what he’s doing for Tomas, then he’s okay with me. I’ll help him. I want to help him.”
Frankie and Ari both smile my way.
Someone clears their throat. Xavier shuffles into the kitchen looking pale, body trembling. His cheeks look sunken. Probably more so because he’s shaved. His left hand clutches his right hand. “A little help?”
Red seeps through his fingers. My face falls.
Frankie and Ari rush forward. A cacophony of conversation begins.
“What happened?”
“What have you done, my boy?”
“Oh, Xavier. Why?” Frankie sighs while getting the paper towels off the counter.
I stand there with my hands in my crumble. When Ari moves to get the first aid kit, I see it.
He’s cut himself. No. Not cut himself. But cut himself. Purposely. Deep gouges made with only God knows what line his inner arm. He looks up at me. Through me.
My heart sinks.
Frankie and Ari attend to him as he and I stare at each other. His eyes communicate with me. I hear his voice in my head. “Judge me. I dare you.”
My eyes speak back to him. “I’m not judging you. Just trying to understand you.”
Hands caked with batter, I stand there helpless, watching the two women fawn over him. The more I stand there, the more I think. My heart begins to pound and suddenly, anger courses through me. Before I can stop myself, my lip curls. “You’d better hope to God you better yourself, Xavier.” My eyes burn into his. I grit my teeth and vow, “Because I swear to you, if you don’t get your shit together, I’ll take Tomas from you myself.”
His body stiffens. His eyes blaze.
It all happens so fast.
Pushing Frankie and Ari aside with as much force as he can muster, he rushes over to me. It’s such a shock that I forget to protect myself, because I’m sure I won’t need to. Eyes wide, I feel his body crash into mine with such force that I’m knocked on my ass, my mixing bowl overturned, a resounding boom echoing through the walls of the room.
He roars down at me, “I fucking dare you, bitch. I will fucking kill you.” He points a finger in warning, panting, and repeats slowly, “I will fucking kill you.”
It’s in this moment I realise he would do it. I should have never underestimated this man.
Arms come around his middle and chest, he’s pulled back in complete silence, and for the first time in years, I look at Ari and Frankie to see disappointment.
Disappointment aimed at me.
As they drag him away, he doesn’t take his eyes off me. He looks crazed. He doesn’t belong here. He belongs somewhere he would be offered the right kind of help.
My heart constricts as I realise what I’ve just thought. If that’s the case, shouldn’t I be committed to a psychiatric ward? How can a person like me, so emotionless and cold, judge a man like Xavier? I immediately regret my need to run my mouth.
Still seated on the floor, covered in blobs of butter and flour, I start to clean the mess I’ve caused. And think about how to clean the bigger mess with our guest.
Chapter Ten
I hesitate only a moment before lifting my hand and lightly knocking on the door.
“Come in.”
This is said so sullenly that my chest squeezes. I bite my lip and lift my head heavenward in guilt. It’s been eating away at me for hours. I’ve only just decided it’s safe enough to come visit Xavier and apologise. I’ve come bearing gifts though. Hopefully this means he won’t go through with his threat to kill me. I cringe at the memory of what went down this morning.
Gah. You’re such a turd.
My hand hovers over the door handle before I grip it tightly and turn it slowly. I open the door a few inches and peek in. Xavier sits with his back to the bedhead, shirtless, with Frankie’s laptop on his thighs.
My cheeks heat as we make eye contact. Mainly because I’m embarrassed that I’m such a callous, cruel person. I swallow hard and ask weakly, “Can I come in?”
Lips tight, he averts his gaze back down to the laptop and shrugs in a suit yourself motion.
In his state of undress, I leave the door wide open and walk in. If Bob caught me in here with the door shut, he’d shoot me. Well, probably not me. Xavier, likely.
I try desperately not to stare at the bandages winding up his forearm.
His eyes narrow on the basket in my hands.
Hesitantly, he closes the lid on the laptop, puts it on the nightstand and sits cross-legged on the bed. He jerks his chin and asks, “What’s that?”
I don’t dare look into his eyes.
Hypocritical bitch.
I clear my throat and lift the basket higher. “It’s just a basket of goodies I thought you might like. I went into town this morning and... um… I know Tomas like the chocolate éclairs from Nanette’s bakery. While I was there, I picked up a whole bunch of stuff ‘cause I didn’t know what you liked so I got almost one of everything.”
His eyes narrow at my false cheer.
My shoulders slump and I hold out the basket nervously. “Will you just take it please? It’s the only way I know how to apologise without actually apologising.”
His brows rise a little. “Why the apology?”
Asshole.
He’s really going to make me say this out loud.
I sigh deeply. “Because what I said was stupid. You didn’t need to hear that while you’re trying to get better. I had no right to judge you or be a bitch.” I pause. “A heartless bitch.”
His face softens. “Kind of a theme with you, huh? Judging people.”
If he wants to be a smartass, I’ll be a smartass right
back. “Not people. Just you.”
His lips twitch. “What you got in that basket?” Not a second later, his stomach rumbles. Loudly.
I grin. “Got your appetite back?”
“Yeah. The shakes stopped this morning. I feel pretty average though, but at least I’m not puking anymore.”
“That’s great. Really. You’re handling this better than most. I’m sure.” No thanks to me. “You should be proud.” I’m almost shocked that I mean it.
His hands moves to gently scratch at his bandage and I know he thinks I’m talking shit. I don’t know what possesses me but I let him in on a secret. “You’re not the only person who fucks up, you know. We all do. It’s part of being human. You have to learn to forgive yourself and get past it or it’ll eat you alive.” I hadn’t meant for that to sound so shaky.
He breathes deeply and then replies on an exhale, “You make it sound like you’ve done worse.”
My face remains void when I answer softly, “We’ve all made mistakes.”
His arms rise and he crosses them behind his head. He utters, “Okay. Tell me something you’ve done that was fucked up.”
I know what he’s doing. He’s baiting me to see if I’ll answer him. He’s testing me.
