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Instead, she'd fallen in love with him. And she wasn't going to pretend any longer.
"Don't go." He rolled over and rubbed her shoulders. Pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck. "Stay with me."
"Why?"
His grip tightened. "Because I want more time."
Ella took a deep breath and stood. She felt his gaze on her as she pulled on her clothes, and he kept silent until she faced him. "How is this going to work, Connor?" she asked with a lightness she didn't feel. "Are we going to have sex each time I come home from a date? What's the term everyone uses? Fuck buddies?"
He flew up from the bed and stood before her, naked. His voice was a low growl of sound. "Don't you ever use that term about us," he bit out. "You're important to me."
"And you're important to me. But we've crossed over into new territory and I've been afraid to scare you off. I can't pretend I don't have these feelings for you while I date other men. So, I'm going to ask, what do you want?"
He blinked. Stared at her. "I want you."
She nodded. "In a committed, long-term relationship?" she asked calmly.
The look on his face told the truth. Sheer panic lit up those blue eyes, and he turned quickly away, as if to buy more time. "I thought--I thought we'd just take it slow. See how things go."
Her heart shriveled but Ella needed to see the whole thing to the end. She owed both of them the truth.
"I understand," she said softly. "I really do. But I can't play those types of games. See, I'm in love with you."
He flinched. Tore his fingers through his hair. Stared at her as if she'd sprouted wings and was about to fly off into the night like some alien creature. "What?"
She fought the pain and humiliation, raising her chin. "I love you. Crazy, right? I'll tell you this--I never expected to fall for a man like you. You were right when you told me I had made judgments. I thought you were a chauvinistic, egotistical, shallow man out for a good lay and a good time. Instead, I discovered you have a beautiful heart, and mind, and soul. You treat Luke like your own. You rose above odds so many others couldn't and made a life for you and your brother. You're kind and giving, loyal, and wicked smart. You're everything I've always dreamed of."
He shook his head as if trying to register her words. "Ella, I don't know what to say. I'm crazy about you, but we just started this, and it happened kind of fast, and I don't want to hurt Luke or you. I don't want to hurt anyone."
As she studied him, the light bulb exploded and shattered in tiny, jagged pieces. She pressed her hand to her mouth as a bitter, humorless laugh left her lips. Now she understood.
"My God, I get it. You only made a move because I changed my appearance. I wasn't enough for you physically before that, was I? You just liked who I became when I pretended to be like all the other women you date. I bet if I hadn't gone out with Ed, you would've never tried to kiss me or take me to bed. Suddenly, it was easier for you, wasn't it? Less of a risk."
"That's ridiculous. I don't know what you're talking about."
But the truth was revealed in his face, and anger bubbled up like lava, whipping her into a frenzy. "Oh, yes you do. As long as I was dressing plain and not up to your sexual standards, I was safe. Easy to stay away from, huh? But the moment you got tricked with what I could look like, you had to make a move. You haven't changed at all. And I was an idiot to think I was special to you."
He closed the distance and grabbed her arms with a fierceness that challenged her own. "You are special! Don't ever talk about yourself like that. I always thought you were beautiful."
"I call bullshit." She jerked away. "You know what you think is beautiful, Connor? This." She tugged at the form-fitting lace top. "Fancy clothes and sexy heels." She fisted her hair and shook the waves wildly. "Perfectly tousled hair and red lipstick and perfume that makes you think of sex. It's easier, isn't it? But guess what? It's all a mirage. One morning, or one day, or one year, you wake up and find this." She swept her hands over her body with emphasis. "You get glasses and sweats and messy hair and a bare face. You get just me, with no fancy trappings. You get real. And I was crazy to think you were ready for it."
Waves of anger and frustration emanated from his figure. "I don't know what I'm ready for!" he yelled. "I know I'm crazy about you and Luke and that my feelings have changed since I walked in your class that first day, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't give a shit about your appearance. Can't you see I'm nuts about you? I can get real!"
She wrapped her arms around her chest and shook her head. "No. I just know I can't do this with you. I'm looking for a relationship, not just sex. I'm looking for a man I can grow old with and who wants to be a father to my son. How's that for real?"
"You don't want to give me a chance here? Let me catch up. Think about how this will work and what I can offer you?"
She smiled sadly. "Your answer said enough, Connor. I have to go."
"What about us? What about Luke?"
Her heart ached but she forced herself to speak. "Luke adores you and I'd never say you can't see him. Just--just give me some time, okay? I think we need a break."
"I don't want to hurt you, Ella."
"I know," she said. "When you open yourself up to love someone, there's no way not to get hurt. You just have to decide if it's worth the pain."
Ella left him alone in his bedroom, wondering if he could hear the sound of her heart shattering.
"You look like shit."
Connor lifted his beer mug and stared moodily at his brother. They'd agreed to meet at the pub downtown. Nate held his usual cocktail, a Darth Maultini, but Connor wasn't even in the mood to tease him about it.
The semester was coming to an end. Luke continued to come over to his house and do homework, but Connor made sure to cite work as an excuse to stay away from Ella. Class became a torturous session that tore him apart. He ached to touch her. Talk to her. Insist they were being ridiculous by not trying to be together.
But he realized, deep down, Ella was right.
He hadn't made a move until she walked in that kitchen transformed. When he looked back on their first kiss in the snow, he remembered keeping a lock-down on his hormones and emotions. He'd treated her more carefully, with more respect. The moment she came at him in a low-cut top and short skirt, and he thought of her kissing some guy, he'd lost his control. Somehow, it seemed safer to play with a sexually experienced, hot woman. He knew the rules.
God, he was such an ass.
"Yeah, it's been a tough few weeks. How's Kennedy?"
"Hard-headed as usual. She found her engagement ring and kind of freaked out."
He almost spit out his beer. "Dude, are you serious? You asked her to marry you?"
Nate waved a hand carelessly in the air. "I ask her to marry me all the time. The ring is for the formal asking I'm planning for her. Of course, she stumbled across it and majorly lost her mind. This may be the hardest woman in the world to pin down."
"Why can't you just leave things alone?" he asked in frustration. "You're both happy. Shacked up. Who needs marriage?"
Nate looked surprised. "I do. I love her. She wants to get married, too, but the woman is stubborn. Eventually I'll get her to agree. How's Ella?"
He grunted. "Fine."
"Luke?"
"Fine."
"How's school? Graduation is May, right?"
"Yep, I'm all set. As long as I pass Ella's class."
"And work? You still going for that big management position?"
"Yep. They offered me the job."
Nate laughed with delight. "Congratulations! Not that I'm surprised, but damn, I'm proud of you."
"Thanks."
He tried to force a happy smile, but he was too miserable. Nate stared at him hard, his green eyes seeing way too much, like he always did. He tapped a finger against the edge of the table in a steady rhythm. "You're in love with Ella, aren't you?"
Connor jerked back, splashing beer over the rim of his glass. "Holy shit, dude, why'd you ask me a question like that?"
His brother shrugged. "I could tell. You're a mess. Something happened between you two. Just tell me."
So Connor did. He told Nate the entire story from start to finish, and Ella's expectations, and his confusion, and dumped it all out in one long, messy stream of words. There was no one else he trusted more in the world than Nate. His brother took it all in with that quiet manner, just nodding here and there as he urged him to continue.
Finally, he fell silent. The cocktail waitress took that moment to slide by their table and smile cheerily. "Can I get you another round, gentlemen?"
He automatically switched into gear, giving her a big smile and wink. "We'll have anything you're giving, sweetheart."
She giggled and cocked her head in a flirty manner. "Oh, yeah? I may have to take you up on that offer later."
"I'll be waiting. For now, I think we're good."
With another sidelong look, she walked away with an extra swing of her hips that did nothing for him. When he turned back to his brother, Nate was looking at him in pure shock.
"You're unbelievable. That was the stupidest, most asinine pick-up line I ever heard. And she fell for it! You're the only guy I know who gets away with that behavior. No wonder you're such an ass. Women have been falling for you your whole life and you've never had to work hard to really keep one."
Connor's mouth fell open. "That's a shitty thing to say to me! I just poured out my heart and you're giving me a hard time because the waitress liked me?"
Nate dropped his face into his hands and groaned. "God, you're just like Kennedy. I swear, it's scary. You both have intimacy issues. You're both stuck on stupid images and your ideas of beauty. You're both terrified of being left alone and getting your heart broken. You both are driving me nuts."
