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It was a crazy feeling, helping Jackie back inside and knowing full well it may be the last time she was alive and breathing outside of those walls.
We climbed the stairs. Slowly.
We crossed her bedroom. Just as slow.
Logan’s breaths were shallow as he eased her into her bed and wired her oxygen up fresh. The rumble, rumble of the machine was already so familiar to me that I knew there would be a horrible void when it was gone.
“She might make it another day or two yet,” he said, as he propped her feet up high on pillows. “Maybe three if we’re lucky. Four if it’s a miracle.”
I nodded. “If anyone is capable of a miracle, it’s her.”
His eyes didn’t share my hopes. “A miracle at the end of a row of fights with her body, every fucking step of her life.”
I knew that. I knew she’d had a whole string of diagnoses and wars – more than one poor woman should ever have to battle. Still, she herself was a miracle. In any storm she was faced with, Jackie Hall would be the rainbow shining bright at the end. Her heart was a rainbow. Her smile was her soul.
I made Logan some dinner while he sat with his mum, and I broke down in sobs for a few solid minutes before putting the pasta on to simmer. It doesn’t matter how many times you see people preparing at the end of life’s road, nothing prepares you for the slam of watching someone you love slip away.
I loved Jackie.
I loved the man grieving alongside her.
I loved our life together, all three of us here together and enjoying every minute.
Please, universe. Please. Why do you have to take her away?
I knew the universe wouldn’t grant my wishes this time, but still I asked. Still, I prayed.
I was still uttering the mantra as I took Logan’s bowl of pasta upstairs.
Please, give her a few more days. Please, universe, just a few more days.
Please, universe.
Please.40ChloeWe were up all night while Jackie slept, both of us at her side, watching her breathe. Slowly. Rasping for every breath.
I wasn’t expecting her to be with us in the morning, oxygen machine still rumbling its rhythm and filling her lungs – but she was. She was still with us.
Her eyes opened with a flicker, and she jolted, grimacing as she shuffled on her donut cushion. I almost burst into tears when her gaze landed on mine, her usual smile on her face as she coughed out a good morning, sweetheart, before taking hold of Logan’s hand.
“Made it through to another day, boy. Be a darling and grab your mum a coffee, would you please?”
I didn’t need to see Logan’s face to know he was fighting back the tears of relief as much as I was.
“Fucking hell,” Jackie said. “You two must look rougher than I do. Guess you didn’t sleep?”
I laughed. “No. We didn’t.”
She grinned at me. “Nice of you to keep an eye on me while I dreamt my dreams.”
I put my hand on Logan’s arm as he made to stand, jumping up on my feet before him.
“I’ll go make coffee and breakfasts,” I said, and Jackie gave me a thumbs-up.
“Always up for a morning egg, sweetheart. Always.”
She pulled me in for a hug before I left, and I could tell then that she was struggling. Her arms had barely any strength left at all, and her heart was barely more than a flutter against my chest.
Yeah. Her time was running out. Fast. But still… we had another day. Hopefully it would be a great one.
Thank you, universe. Thank you.
I was a busy little bee as I started work in the kitchen, getting the pans simmering and the eggs cracked and the kettle on – but not too busy. Not busy enough to cut Logan out of time with his mum.
I held back a fair few minutes before finishing off the eggs and heading back up there with the tray in my hands, giving out the coffees and breakfast plates with a smile.
They’d been talking. Deep. I could see the tear streaks down Jackie’s face. She squeezed Logan’s hand before she took her breakfast plate from me.
I wondered whether I should leave them to it and head back to Mum and Dad’s, but Logan’s smile at me said more than words. He didn’t want me to leave, and neither did Jackie. It was written all over their faces.
The swell of happiness in my chest, knowing I was so welcome and wanted at such an important time in two peoples’ lives was something no amount of money could ever buy. The closeness and the tenderness and the belonging felt like gold dust right through my spine. There was no doubt, I really did belong there. With Logan. I belonged with Logan. Nothing would ever change that.
