Page 175 of Beautiful Scars

I stare at the white lines, remembering the racing heart. The sweats. The fingers that won’t stop twitching, trembling. The utter conviction that something terrible is going to happen.

“I don’t want to, Cole.” I barely shake my head. I’ve learned he doesn’t like that.

He stands up and drops a rolled-up twenty on the table, which unfurls on impact. “It wasn’t an offer.”

Slowly, I reach out and take the money. I don’t need to look at him to know he’s staring at me, I can feel it on my skin. “How many?”

“All of them.”

My hand goes for my necklace, a small upside down crescent moon, and I rub it with my fingers. It’s too much. He wants to kill me, so there is nobody to witness what he’s going to do with Maddie.

He wants me dead, and he doesn’t even have the heart to let me die without knowing that. A kinder man would surely just stick a knife into your chest. Quick. You wouldn’t even know until it had happened, and then you’d only have seconds to realize what he’d done.

This way is callous.

I lean back on the sofa, letting out a breath. Letting go of the pain. Maybe Kill will come, but if he doesn’t come soon then I won’t go to my grave loving the man in front of me. “Why don’t you just end it for me?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t want you to die. Jesus, Sarah! I just want you to forget.”

“There’s enough here to make a hundred people forget.”

“I need to be sure.” His face is so determined, I almost want to believe him.

He’s talking, though. If he’s talking, then I’m not taking what’s in front of us. If he’s talking then I might have time.

“Don’t be silly,” I assure him. “Why would I need to forget? I’mhelpingyou.”

His face softens a little while he thinks about it. Then it changes. Like the flick of a switch. “You helped my brother, too, though.”

My stomach twists. This isn’t a road I want to go down. “I just got a little bit excited over a wedding. What girl doesn’t? The whole time I was wishing that could have been us.”

He looks to the side while he lets out an amused sigh. “You mean you wish it could have beenyou.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” I’m not going to let him do this. Twist things.

His shin is on the corner of the table, pushing it away from me. Making space. I want to climb down the back of the sofa but I know I’d never make it. He’s always been faster.

“I’d like to believe that, Sarah, but you’ve never looked at my brother the way you’re looking at me right now.”

Only because he’s never... But I keep my mouth closed.

My gut rolls as he takes a step closer.

“You’re not even denying it,” he spits.

Denying it won’t help me. We both know that.

“Tell me I’m seeing things,” he says, looming over me. “Tell me it’s all in my head.”

“It’s all in your head.”

“Of course it’s in my head!” he yells. “It’s in my head all the fucking time.” He reaches down and grabs my chin, forcing it up to meet his gaze. “I can’t even think about us fucking because I seehim!”

“Cole...”

He narrows his eyes. “What?”

“We need help,” I stutter. I was about to sayyou,but I stopped myself. I’m still trying to work out if that was the right or wrong decision. Every word that comes out can mean something entirely different by the time it moves from my mouth to his ears. The look on his face tells me he’s still processing. “But we can fix this. Me and you. We’ll fix it.”