Page 192 of Beautiful Scars

I take a step back, pulling out of Maddie’s hand, and already scanning for an exit.

This can’t be right. Trish would have strong words about letting my estranged daughter watch me cry. After all, she doesn’t even know who the hell I am. I’d imagine it would totally weird her out if some stranger came up to her and just started spewing out sobs and snot bubbles. She’ll have nightmares for—

“Hey, we’re the same!” Maddie declares. “Look!”

I blink furiously until the world stops swimming in my tears. Maddie grins at me and points up at her eyes. “See? Granny Annie says they’resilva.”

Oh my God her fucking accent is going to end me. Before I can stop myself I fall onto my knees and scoop her into my arms.

“Yes. We’re the same Maddie.” I have to push the word out with brute force, but I think she hears me. “We’re the same.”

* * *

Leaving Maddie behind is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. Which is probably why I far outstayed my welcome as I played with my daughter. Dressing Barbie dolls, and then using them to attack a Lego city.

But Anne-Marie came up to me a little while later just as Maddie started yawning and rubbing her eyes, touching my shoulder and murmuring something about a nap.

At first, I thought she was offering me one. Sure, I feel like I could sleep for a week after today, but then I realized it was Maddie’s nap time.

Great. I’m not even her mom again yet, and I’m already interfering in her life.

The thought puts another knot in my throat, and makes me feel like crying all over again, but I push away all those emotions and do my best to leave her with a big smile.

I don’t hug her again. I know I’d break down if I tried.

Still, I can’t get the sight of Maddie waving at me with one hand, the other fisted as she rubs an eye. “Bye, lady.”

I never even told her my name.

I’ll leave that for next time.

Next time.

My heart soars.

Next time, I’ll spend more than a few minutes with her in a playroom. I’ll take her to the park. No, the zoo! Kids love zoos, don’t they?

Oh my God, what if Maddie hates zoos? I don’t know anything about—

“Time to go home,” Mom says, snapping me out of my trance.

I walked all the way back to Anne-Marie’s office without realizing it. I stand staring at my mother, blinking as I try and reel my thoughts back to the present.

“No.”

Helen frowns. “No?”

“No,” I repeat. “I’m not going home with you.” And then, before Mount Helen can erupt, I add, “I need some time to figure things out, Mom.” God, now it sounds like I’m breaking up with her.

“What’s there to figure out?” she demands. “You’ll come back every day to see Maddie.” Her gaze moves past me, to Anne-Marrie. “When Anne-Marie and I decide it’s time, she’ll come home with us.” All in the tone of voice she uses to tell a nation that’s the way it is, and there’ll be no comments at this time.

Well fuck that.

I don’t just have comments. I have my whole life to sort out.

But not with such bitter thoughts. Not with suppressed annoyance and frustration.

I close my eyes. Breathe deep.