Page 17 of Gilded Bird

“Nah, Tweedle Dee, there is nothing to explain. Is there,Mrs. Bird?”

“It damn sure looks likesomethingto me, Tigger,” he hurls the stupid name at his best friend, glaring at both of us.

Beneath his gaze, I fall apart. I am not a strong woman, and I always knew that. If I was, I would have left my husband a long time ago. I would have had faith enough in myself to take care of myself and my son. Instead, I was a coward, I hid behind an empty marriage for selfish reasons.

“Stop, please stop,” I whisper, throwing an arm out towards both men, keeping them apart.

Maddox is standing in front of me, Jameson glowering at him from behind me. Part of me wants to laugh at the irony of the scene. My son was my whole life for so long. Now he has his own life with Jade. Maddox is asking me to give him something that would mean a future for us.

How can any of this be happening? Why did I let myself get so swept up in things with Maddox? I knew eventually Jameson would find out. I would either tell him out of guilt or he would catch us, just as he has. I have lied to the one person I swore to never lie to.

Again, I want to laugh, because isn’t that the real lie? Haven’t I lied to my son for his entire life? Maddox said they realized at some point my marriage was one of convenience, not love. Still, I paraded about as if it were a good, solid marriage. I never was and I am the one to blame.

“Jameson, calm down. Let me speak, please,” I start, using the mom voice I perfected whenever he got into some trouble--usually with Maddox.

Turning to face him, I put myself between them again. I cannot stand the idea of them hurting each other because of me. Maddox moves too close behind me, my son almost growling at him. But I don’t move away because I need his strength to get through this, as unfair as that seems.

“This is none of your concern, Jameson. I am a grown woman, I do not need your approval….” I break off when he lets out a cutting laugh.

“You two cannot be serious. This is nothing,” he waves his hands between the two of us, his glowering eyes locking on me. “There is no way in hell I am letting my mother hook up with someone I went to fucking summer camp with. You’re both joking, right? Is this a fucking joke?”

“Jameson, knock it off. Grow up, we’re not those two little pricks at summer camp. We’re adults. Your mother is an adult. A woman who can make her own choices.”

“Not this one. No fucking way. My best friend? You were always working this angle, weren’t you? Since we were teenagers, you looked at her wrong and I saw it. How could I miss it? I figured you would get it out of your system once you grew up.”

Stunned by this admission that everything Maddox has said about being interested in me for years, I gasp. I turn to look at him and he just grins, bouncing his shoulder. He is not even ashamed of the accusation.

Suddenly I am more uncertain than ever. Was this all about him fulfilling some sick fantasy of his? Did he pursue me the way he did because he knew how alone I have felt? Was any of the things he said to me real? Would I want all of those things to be real?

“Well, you figured wrong. I am never going to get her out of my system. Both of you can accept that, or you can’t. I learned to accept it when no other woman could take my mind off her.”

“Oh, I know how many women you went through trying, too.”

Those words hit me like a whip across my entire body. He told me there were no other women. Not any that mattered. My heart cracks a little more as I realize that couldn’t have been true. He is handsome and charming, he has a good career that has made him wealthy and stable. Of course, there were other women, I was a fool to believe otherwise.

“There were never any other women who counted,” Maddox snarls the words at Jameson, grasping my shoulders to tug me back against him. “I told her the same as I will tell you. It has always been her for me.”

“It will never be her for you,” Jameson snarls at him, pulling at me to shove me behind him. “Not on my watch. This is fucking messed up, even for you. To use her this way, after all, we’ve both done for you. You need to get out of my house and tear up that bullshit deal we made. I am done with you.”

“What…I mean why would you think he was using me?”

“Because just like his father, neither of them sees that you’re a woman who craves more than she was given. Your entire life has been about Jameson or your husband. You never took anything for yourself. Never did anything you wanted to do. No other man in your life has valued you for what you’re worth. I do. I always have, Mika, long before I could do something about it. Long before I could show you that I know you’re worth the entire fucking world.”

“Is that what you think? That I am not worthy of a man caring about me? That I am nothing more than your mother or his wife? I was a person before I got married before I had a child. There were things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go, dreams I wanted to chase. I’m a grown woman who can make my own damn choices!”

“Ma, of course you are. I love you. I think you’re the strongest person I know, I don’t think….”

“Do you? Do you think that I’m strong? I’m not. I’ve been weak for a long time. Weak enough to get married to a man I did not love. I grew to love him, in my way, I suppose. I wanted more, Jameson. I craved more. I was too afraid to go out and find it for myself. Too scared to risk the safety I found being a wife and mother to believe I could be anything else.”

“You can be anything you want, Ma. Life does not end at forty-five.”

Staring at my son, I feel a brand-new pain. A new kind of heartbreak. Because he has said before. When the divorce began and even after it was finished when he said my life wasn’t over. I never believed it. I believed I had failed, that I had ruined my husband’s life by holding him back. I am flooded with guilt--not for any indiscretions but for living a lie.

“I have lived most of my life in fear. Growing up in the house I did, it was all I knew. Getting married was my way out. It did not matter who got me out of that place. That was never fair to your father. My weakness was never fair to you, Jameson. I owed both of you more. I owed myself more. I have never made good choices,” I turn to face Maddox, reaching up to gently cradle his jaw. “This was another awful choice. I don’t deserve you and I would be wrong to pretend otherwise.”

Maddox shakes his head, reaching for me, but I am gone. I twist away from both of them, needing to get away. Needing to think. To clear my head and think about the choices I have made. And all the choices I never dared to make for myself. I have hurt two great men in my life, and I am ashamed to admit I have just hurt a third.

Rushing from the house, I run until I hit a main street. I hail a cab and slide in just as I hear Maddox calling for me. I wish it could be some romantic moment. The type you see in those rom-coms when everything is forgiven, and the lovers reunite despite impossible circumstances. But this is not a great romance, is it? This is real life and I have to face that.