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“Don’t look so strung out,” Axel said, his voice as deep and calm as when he’d been talking about his Sea Sparkle. “They’ll pull out the nail and patch him up. He’ll be walking out of here.”
“I shouldn’t be here,” I said. “I should go home.”
“Why do you keep insisting that you should go back there? You didn’t want to be there when you lived there. Is it just for Wil? Why do you need to see him? Where is he right now?”
“He should be at school.”
“So he’s probably safe. He’s a hell of a lot safer than you are. So why do you keep saying that you need to go home?”
I sighed, covering my eyes with my palms. “I can’t do this.”
A hand spread over my back, rubbing between my shoulder blades. “Can’t do what?”
“I don’t know any more. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“You were doing fine,” Axel said. “You were perfect at the party.”
“Except when I got too close,” I said.
“That was an accident,” he said. “You didn’t know. That was probably our fault. You seemed to have a good time yesterday at the shooting range. And you were doing well today putting in roofing at the house.”
“I put the nail in his leg,” I said flatly. “We were arguing and I shot him. I did it because I was angry at him. I wasn’t really aiming at him, just at the ground near his feet. I wanted to scare him. I missed.” I rubbed my palms deeper against my eyes, causing a wash of colors behind them as if trying to dig out the memory. “And he lied to everyone and said it was an accident.”
Axel was quiet for a long moment, but his hand never left my back. “Kayli,” he said, his smoky voice deepening, softening. He shouldn’t have. I didn’t deserve his sympathy.
“I’m going to end up in jail,” I said. “I’m going to end up going home and pickpocketing until I get caught. Or one day I’ll shoot someone because I’m just mad. I’m no better than Coaltar. Probably worse because we don’t even know if he’s a bad guy.”
Axel’s hand lifted and he laid his palm on my head, gently drawing it over. He sat back against the sofa, and folded me into him, until my head was resting against his shoulder. He kept his arm around my neck, and pressed his cheek to my hair. “Stop talking like this.”
“Tell me to go home,” I said.
“You’re not going home right now,” he said, the strength returning, rising with every sentence he spoke. “You’re going to wait here with me until Marc is on his feet again. And you’re not going back to pickpocketing. You’re too smart for that. You’re going to come back to work for us. Or if you want, we’ll get you a job somewhere else. But you aren’t going to retreat back into your little hotel room and push everyone else out.”
“Why would you guys even do this?” I asked. “Why won’t you give up on me?”
“You’re not giving up on us,” he said, “or you would have gone home already. If you’re waiting for us to push you out the door, you’re going to be disappointed. That’s not what we do.”
“I just put a nail through your friend’s leg. You want me to stick around?”
“I want you to stop talking like you’ve lost your spark. So you’ve found out you’ve got some anger issues and you’re not as perfect as you thought you were. Welcome to life, Kayli. It’s hard and it sucks, but when you’ve found something good, you don’t walk away from it.”
“Uh, hello. That’s what I’m saying. Why aren’t you telling me to get lost?”
“Same reason,” he said. His arm lowered, until his hand was on my shoulder and he rubbed there. His voice softened considerably as he continued. “You’re no worse than Marc when I found him.”
“What?”
He sighed. “When I met him, Marc was thirteen years old, and living in a single room in a trailer his uncle owned. For three years, he fought coming with me; he would rather have stayed in the gutter.”
“Why?” I asked. “Why keep trying when he didn’t want you to?”
“Because he saved my life,” he said. “That’s another long story, but basically when it came down to it, when it became a choice of totally going over the edge, or stepping up and doing the right thing, he did do the right thing. He isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes. We all do. If you’re willing to learn from and make up for those mistakes, and try to do better next time, doesn’t that deserve a chance?”
I rolled my palm against my eye. “I don’t understand you guys at all. No one does this.”
“Maybe if more people did, we wouldn’t be so surprising.” His fingers traced over my shoulder, making circles against my skin. “But do me a favor. Can you stay with us at least long enough to figure out how to keep our promise to you, and to make sure you aren’t at risk of endangering yourself or your brother? I’ll invite you to stick around longer if you want, but stay until at least then. You risked a lot, diving in head first with Coaltar at our request. It’s our fault for putting you in this mess. Let us make it up to you.”
I breathed slowly in and out, feeling the cushion of his shoulder under my cheek. It surprised me how easy it had been to sink into him, like a longtime friend. What was it about this group that I simply felt comfortable among them even when my brain told me I shouldn’t be?
I’d been fighting for so long, keeping people away to protect myself. Here was this group that knew me and was trying to protect me, without me asking. Coaltar could have been anyone I’d tried to pickpocket at the mall, or downtown, or anywhere. What if he had been the one I’d targeted downtown instead of Dr. Roberts? Would I be in this same dangerous situation and not know it? I didn’t even know for sure if I was in any danger or not.
Yet still, I didn't have an answer for Axel. I didn’t trust myself to say anything when he was asking me to stay for so long. I couldn’t promise something I wasn’t sure I could do.
His cheek slowed against my head, until his lips pressed down. “You could learn a lot from us, you know,” he whispered against my hair. “I think it’s been good for some of the guys. And you don’t seem to mind how rough the guys can be. It might do you some good to hang around them. Learn a few new tricks.”
“What about you?”
“You don’t want to hang out with me. I’m boring. I work too much.”
“Because of the Academy?”
“Shhh,” he said. He lifted his head and the moment he did, I missed that closeness. I wanted it back but I was too terrified to ask. “That’s supposed to be a secret, you know.”
“No one’s listening.”
“You never know who is listening. That’s something you should learn. Watch what you say all the time. Talk like the world is listening in. Usually because someone is.”
I twisted my lips, gluing them together. I didn’t want to talk any more.
?????
Later, Axel left me alone so he could go look in on Marc. When I got up, I just wanted to walk around the interior of the hospital. I needed to expel the energy I was feeling, because sitting still was too much. The frog in my throat, the thickness I felt in my eyes from forcing a brave face had solidified until I could barely stand it.
When walking the halls of the hospital wasn’t enough, I walked out into the sun to circle the building.
