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My lips parted. “What do you mean?”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “They should tell you about it, but none of their families are very close.”
“Your mother is,” I said. “And your sister.”
“We are,” he said. “The others’ families aren’t. It wasn’t very hard for them to recognize how lost you were. It’s part of the reason why they wanted you.”
I thought about Nathan’s dad, who I’ve yet to see. Nathan said he flew helicopters and was gone a lot. North and Luke lived with an uncle, and didn’t even know each other existed for a long time. I wondered about Gabriel and Silas and Victor. They were all caring and affectionate around me, something I never really experienced with my own family. How did they figure it out?
Maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe they were having just as hard a time figuring this out as I was. “I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said. “I don’t understand how. Or why.”
“I know.” He pulled his head back, bringing a palm to my cheek but still looking at my eyes. I forced mine to remain looking at his but it was difficult. I felt he could look inside, seeing everything. The best I could do was glance back and forth between his eyes and around his face. “We had a feeling and we made a decision. When you accepted us, we accepted you. It’s how we work. You’re one of us, Sang. So we’re here for you. Family first.”
Family. They were my friends but now I was family? I couldn’t understand. We weren’t related and they still hardly knew me. I was one of them. I sighed. I wanted to believe it. A few weeks ago I was alone. Here I was in Kota’s lap. My heart still raced. I wanted desperately to stay. I couldn’t find the words to say it. Tears brimmed in my eyes and I tucked my head down, pushing my forehead against his shoulder because I didn’t want him to see how unsure I was.
“I know you don’t feel it, yet,” he whispered, his hand sought out mine, and he slipped a thumb across my palm, holding on to my hand. “You will. It’ll happen. If you want it to. You’ll always have the choice. Family is a choice.”
“It is?”
His thumb pressed into my palm firmly. “It’s your choice. Parents and siblings are your relations. Family takes care of one another and helps each other. When each side is working together, when everyone wants it, that makes the difference.”
I did want it. Did I want it with Kota and the others? It was hard to trust them when I was still getting used to them, wondering if one day they’d leave or not knowing what to expect. It was one thing to be a friend. This was different, wasn’t it? I sighed, pressing my cheek against his chest and settling into him. I couldn’t find the words to respond. I did want it. I didn’t know what it was enough yet to understand it.
He seemed to understand. He held me against him, his thumb tracing along my palm and his other hand massaging at my back. It felt good. Awkward. Warm. Confusing. Would I ever be able to relax and simply enjoy without worrying? Was I supposed to enjoy this at all?
A soft buzzing broke the silence. He grunted. The hand holding mine pulled away and he reached into his back pocket for his phone. I pulled my head back from his chest to give him room. He glanced at the screen. I caught North’s name before Kota pushed a button and answered it. “North? Yes, she’s here. No, don’t use the D2-28. There’s a reference bar.” He paused. “The screen should say ‘repeat’ or ‘replay’. It doesn’t? Call Victor. Let him know to take a look at it.”
He continued to talk in codes and riddles that I didn’t understand. North was already awake working on secret Academy projects. Victor was either awake or was about to be woken up if North actually called him. What had the boys up so early? Or was this normal for them?
Creaking sounded on the stairs, heavy and irregular. I gasped, sitting upright, trying to make sure I heard correctly. Yes. Crap, not now.
My fingers sought out Kota’s mouth as he was telling North another code. I closed his lips, getting off his lap and pushing him toward the attic. It took only a fraction of a second for Kota to realize what was happening. He smashed his phone to his chest and did a back roll off the bed, opening the attic door and disappearing.
The door handle rattled. Knocking followed. “Sang,” my mother called from the door.
My hands shook and I checked the room for anything that was out of place. I kicked his book bag under my bed. I crossed the room, unlocking the door and peeking out.
My mother leaned against the frame. She had replaced her robe with a clean one but she was sweating again. Her eyes were wild. “Who are you talking to?”
I rubbed at my eyes, faking a yawn. “Talking?”
“I heard a man speaking.”
I tilted my head. “The radio?”
She narrowed her eyes at me. Her shoulders heaved as she breathed heavily. It must have been an effort to walk up the stairs. Was she in pain? “Your radio isn’t on now.”
“I flicked it off when you knocked.”
She frowned. “Why do you lie to me?”
My eyes widened. “I’m not.”
“I can tell when you lie,” she said. She pressed her palm against her cheek. “Sang, you lie and you lie. That’s all you’ve done this week.”
My heart tripped to a stop. Did she remember the stool and the shower now?
She entered the room and out of years of habit, I backed away against the wall. Her eyes scanned the room. “Why did you move things around?”
“I was trying something different,” I said, my voice catching at the end as I trembled. I was embarrassed that Kota was listening to this. “Are you hungry? I’ll make breakfast.”
She stumbled to the bookshelf, her face contorting. “What’s behind here?” she asked.
“The attic door,” I said. “It’s kind of ugly and I was trying to think of something...”
She grasped the top of the shelves and heaved it. The shelf slanted back, teetered for a brief second, before it crashed against the wall. The radio cracked between the shelf and the floor. The books flew and scattered. The fan that was behind the shelf smashed against the attic door and held the bookshelf crookedly. The shelf blocked the half door.
“Don’t lie to me,” she howled.
I forced myself against the wall to remain standing, wrapping my arms around myself as I was shaking so bad.
There was another creak. The attic door was opening but stopped short because of the bookshelf in the way. Kota was going to come for me if I didn’t find a way to stop him, or was he trapped?
“We should go downstairs and get something to eat,” I said as loud as I could. The rattling at the attic door stopped. He understood. I wasn’t hurt. “I’ll make eggs and toast.”
“Stop deflecting,” she said. Her fingers flexed against her palms. She swayed on her feet. “You’ve moved your room around. There’s voices coming from your room. You’re lying to me. Something’s going on and you’re going to tell me right now.”
I didn’t know how to respond. My mouth opened but words didn’t come out. I couldn’t think of another lie.
She stomped across the floor. “Downstairs,” she said, her tone cold. “Now.”
I moaned softly but stepped into the hallway, obeying and padding my way downstairs. This was better. I was leading her away from Kota.
I wasn’t hurt and I wasn’t being told to sit in the bathroom so this was a good thing, right?
My mother clutched the bannister as she stepped slowly down and into the foyer. She snapped her fingers at me. “Stay right here,” she said.
I sighed, relieved. Rice. Or the stool. The stool! She’d find out it wasn’t here. I’d be in trouble.
Luckily, she came back a moment later with the bag of rice. She dropped a handful near the door and pointed at it. “Kneel,” she said.
I dropped to my knees, kowtowing with my
face close to the floor to show compliance.
“When your father gets here,” she said, but never finished her sentence. She stepped down the hallway to her bedroom. The sound of the news droning on filtered through the air. She wasn’t going to go back to sleep now.
I remained in the bowed position, trying to ensure she didn’t step out to check on me as she used to do. Minutes passed. Was Kota still stuck in the attic? I thought at some point I could at least get up and help him get out before she discovered I was gone and then get back.
“Psst.”
The sound rattled through me. I sat up in a rush, the movement making me temporarily dizzy. The rice bit into my knees.
Kota and Nathan sat together at the top of the stairs. Stony faces. Frowning. They gazed down at me.
Not both of them. It was humiliating enough with just Kota.
Kota signed to me, “Are you okay?”
I nodded.
He signed again. “Get up.”
My mouth popped open.
The command he normally voiced was in his eyes as he signed. “Get up or I’m coming down to you.”
I crossed my arms in front of my body, trying to sign back with trembling fingers that he should stay there.
His eyes intensified. He nudged at his glasses and reached to pull his Converse shoes off of his feet. Nathan did the same with his Nikes. They yanked their socks off.
I couldn’t move. I trembled. I kept signing, begging with my eyes when I couldn’t sign fast enough. Stop! Don’t do it. If I get up, she’ll hear. If you come down, she’ll hear. If she caught us, I knew it would be over. Two boys in the house. She would have a heart attack, and call the police. The boys would be arrested.
The Academy would get involved.
Despite my warnings, the boys padded down the steps, tiptoeing at the edge of the stairs to mask their footfalls and to guard against creaking. Kota was risking everything. Nathan stepped where Kota did, always right behind him, a shadow in everything.
Kota crossed the foyer and knelt next to me. He was wearing jeans but I could tell even through the material he didn’t like it. “Sang,” he whispered. “Get up.”
