With a little sigh I pull my hands away and wrap them around his back, noting the Tic Tacs at my hip. They’re ready just in case. He pulls me close, nestling his head on mine. My shoulders relax as I hear his racing heart slow beneath his sweater. My new favorite sound. In his arms I’m safe, known. Perfect contentment.
This strong back … Keeping myself from escalating is my new full-time job.
“Your hair smells so good,” he says.
I chuckle and look all the way up, chin on his chest.
I’d better tell him now. Now that I know that I can touch him—and it’s amazing—this is what I want, what I need. It’s okay because I’m not earning my place. Deep breath. “So … I have a request you might not like.”
That light in his eyes I adore beams recklessly from his whole face. “Anything.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
I arrivein my suite lounge that night in a half-float, half-panic. Is a person supposed to be this happy? Is this even healthy?
Sophie is sitting in the dark, typing up a storm.
“Sophs, hi!”
She lowers the cover of her laptop and squints up at me. “No. Way. I know that look. You’ve been with Mr. Dreamboat.”
I bite my lip and bob my head.
More bravery required. But these three have earned my trust. Two-way openness. Am I ready to brave a Tess repeat? Not really. But I think I can trust Sophie. And either way, I don’t have to hold so tightly to my friendships. God will provide.
Right?
Right.
“I want to tell you some things,” I say. “If you have time. And … I have some juicy news.”
She discards her laptop like a frisbee and bounds over.
“And I want to hear about your?—”
But she crashes me into a hug and bounces around until she pulls back with a jolt, hands on my shoulders. “But we need ice cream. I’ve found the inverse to Ben & Jerry’s heartbreak pints. Have you had Blue Bell? Austin introduced me. And I don’t know your favorite flavor. And Mia’s not back yet. And it’s your bed time.” She shakes me.
A buoyant laugh bubbles out of me. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” I step around the corner to crack open our door. “Ayumi, come get ice cream with us? Please? I need to tell you guys something.”
Curiosity transforms her face. “Okay.”
Mia bursts into the suite. “Is Kit back?”
“Oh, she’s back,” Sophie says with meaning.
“Mamma Mia!” I call.
She turns the corner to find me. “What are you doing with jeans on at a time like—” She gasps, and I’m yanked into another hug.
“Thank you.” I squeeze her tighter. “For everything.”
I spent hours this week listening for Jesus’s voice. He felt so close—in front of my fire, on the dock, walking the shoreline at Greenwich Point Park. He knew I’d need time to lay down my hatred for Kit’s ex before it congealed to venom in my veins.
As I read about Jesus’s life in the Gospels, he whispered to me about surrender and sacrifice and love. He reminded me that love isn’t just one life-altering decision. It’s an hourly commitment to put another first, to long for their best good, to pray for them andcry with them and delight in them. He assured me I could trust him, and then I had to keep waiting to see what he was doing. But what he was doing was even better than I could have imagined. He’s been answering yes, yes, yes to my prayers.
I thought love was comfort, a fireplace on a cold day, and I have hope that mine will grow into that. But it’s also danger. Starting with a single spark, it’s grown into a wildfire. I played a part—I’ve been feeding it. Every minute with Kit nourished the fire until I was helpless to control its spread. The flames grew in intensity and threatened everything I held dear. Now, I couldn’t reverse love’s impact on my life if I wanted to. But I don’t want that. Not for a second.
It’s not time to tell Kit I love her. I want to take this slow, do it right. She likes to be eased into anything new, and I can do that for her.
