“If only Jesus gave out extra credit for impersonating him,” he says.
“Are you willing to wear a tunic around campus?” I swipe a hand around his current impeccable outfit. “Doesn’t seem like your usual vibe.”
Hisvoice lowers. “If I thought he cared it would be worth it. Anything for him, you know?”
“Completely.”
He really loves you, huh?
“Will you be whizzing through some math homework?” he asks.
I blink. Homework. Math homework. “Yes.” Oh, it was a compliment. I tuck my hair behind my ear and formulate some words. “Calc III plots.”
“Good times.” Mischief appears in his eyes.
“Uh-oh. The Cheshire Cat wants his smile back.”
“Well, I have a confession to make. I brought Chick-fil-A.”
That explains the comforting smell wafting around. I bend toward him. I haven’t had a Chick-fil-A sandwich since I visited Mav at work last summer.
He dons a faux-serious expression. “It’s not a date. We’re just in a coffee shop.”
I roll my eyes for effect, trying not to grin, and set my things down on the coffee table.
He reaches for the bag stashed in his backpack.
Crash. A metal chair falls on the tile across the room. An awful slam echoes.
Black. Toxic clouds fill my body with unreality, with terror. That night in April yanks me back.
Barefoot. Slipping. Mud sticking to my legs. Rain. Sweat. Oil in the air. Asphalt jabbing at my feet. Faster.Bile rising. Gas station lights—can I make it? My dress tears. A door slams. Tripping. Scrambling. Faster. He’s right behind me.
When I return to reality, I’m in a ball on my armchair. I can’t choke down the torrent of tears about to fall. I try to breathe, to calm down. I can’t. My chest tightens until I might break apart. I have to hide. I have to get out of here. Now.
“I’m sorry.” The tears will escape any second. I jerk my phone and laptop to my chest and speed walk around my chair to avoidLevi. He stands, alarmed. I relinquish my attempt at normalcy and run through Common Grounds, all the way to my room. I hear Sophie, but I shove my door closed behind me. Ayumi startles at her desk but doesn’t say a word when I hide under my duvet like a kid afraid of monsters.
How can I be this fragile? Why can’t I fix this? Losing my ever-loving mind over a single noise? It’s absurd, awful, unlivable.
I knew this was a risk. I knew better than to think I could handle it. Time alone with Levi? Of course it was too good to be true. And now I have proof that I’m as broken as ever.
Why? Why can’t I just be normal? Please fix me. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want this to be my life.
For those who love me, all things work together for good.
But how can this be good?
Fifteen minutes later, Levi texts. I wipe away the mascara—shortest-lived makeup ever.
Are you alright? Can I do something to help?
Yes. No, thanks.
I left your coffee and Chick-fil-A on the bench by the door in case you want them.
He did?
My thumbs hover over my phone. What do I even say?
