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The others started moving. Nathan released my hand. While everyone collected their school things, I stood alone in the foyer with my book bag.
Gabriel tried to offer me a bottle of coffee, but I refused. I didn’t have the stomach for it. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I felt the shaking wanting to take over but I steeled myself against it. I wouldn’t let Kota see me shaking, afraid it would make things worse.
Outside, Kota opened the passenger side door for me without a word. I avoided looking at him but took the seat, afraid to disobey. Nathan and Gabriel joined us. The car was dead quiet all the way. I had a fleeting thought about Marie perhaps needing a ride, but since Kota didn’t stop at my house, I assumed she’d started riding the bus while I was gone.
At school, Nathan nearly leapt out of the car, opening my door for me. I wanted to say thank you but my throat felt closed up. I stood aside, folding my arms over my stomach, feeling too awkward and out of place right now. I wasn’t sure where to stand or what to do. I was afraid to ask questions. I was grounded. I’d been grounded before, but not in this way.
I followed behind the others. I knew I wasn’t supposed to. Mr. Blackbourne had said more than once to me that I wasn’t allowed to walk behind the guys. I couldn’t help it now. I didn’t feel like part of them. I was in trouble. I couldn’t obey orders. I wasn’t good enough for the Academy.
For something to look at, I gazed at the wave of cars, trying to find Victor’s. If I could get any sympathy from anyone, it would be from him.
Or would he be angry, too?
I let the others open school doors for me until we reached the courtyard. I followed them to the corner. When we were there, I knelt on the grass, turning partially. I wanted to keep an eye out for Victor.
“Get off the grass, Sang,” Kota said in a quiet voice, but still laced with command.
I stood, found a corner of the bench, but instead of sitting, I knelt like I’d done in the grass. This hurt the cuts on my legs, kneeling against the concrete. With the rough material of the jeans, I thought my tiny scabs were getting scratched open. I reveled in the pain, feeling I really did deserve it. I stared off away from the others.
Gabriel snapped open a bottle of chilled coffee. He held the end out to me. “Sang,” he said quietly.
I shook my head, warding off the drink.
“You need to eat something,” Gabriel said. “You look like shit.”
I wanted to tell him I was fine, but didn’t want to talk because my voice would crack. The best I could do was shake my head again, refusing and staring off at the grass.
“Eat something,” Kota ordered.
Was he going to force me to eat? My stomach was twisted in anger at myself for making mistakes. If I ate, my stomach would hurt.
“Sang.” Kota’s voice was a little sharper this time.
I closed my eyes, shaking my head again. I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to do.
I sensed movement next to me and I turned in time to see Kota marching over to me. I flinched, raising my hands up in defense out of instinct. Why I did it, I don’t know. Maybe something ingrained into me from years of dealing with my mother. When she’d approached me in the same manner, I’d usually needed to protect myself.
Kota’s eyes widened in surprise. It only stopped him for a moment before he finally reached me, grabbing at my arm. “Stand up,” he said. “Everyone stay here. Sang, come with me.”
Was I in more trouble? Was it because I didn’t want to eat? I gazed at the others, looking for help. While a couple of them met my eyes, no one stood up. They wouldn’t disobey Kota.
I scrambled to my feet as Kota led me away from the others. When I was moving on my own, he let go of my arm, leading the way back out of the courtyard and through the hallways.
Kota held open the doors to the main office. Soon we were at a familiar unmarked door. He opened it without knocking, standing back to allow me to enter first.
No one was inside the small office this morning. I wondered where Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green were.
“Sit,” Kota said.
My spine iced over. Was he going to bark orders at me like he did his dog? Fearing what he was up to, I planted myself on top of Dr. Green’s desk. I dropped my bag into the chair and pushed back Dr. Green’s things on his desk to give me room to kneel on it like I had the bench outside. I found comfort in kneeling, for some reason. I was going to do it on the floor, but thought that was too much.
Kota paced in front of me. He was muttering something, and to me it sounded like he was counting. When it sounded like he reached sixty, he turned to me, his face was unreadable. “Well?”
My eyes widened. What did he want me to say? I didn’t know why I was here. My mouth felt heavy, my tongue glued to the top of my mouth. The best I could manage was a pitiful sound that was half moan.
He approached me. His eyes were wide. Desperate. “Talk to me,” he said.
I peeled my lips apart, unhinging my jaw that wanted to lock itself up. “I don’t know what to say,” I croaked out in a whisper. “What do you want from me?”
He flinched his head back. “You looked like you were ready to fall apart. I was giving you a chance to do it here and not in front of the others.”
Is that what he was worried about? Maybe if I wasn’t so tired, so overdone, I could have broken down, but something inside of me had steeled over. I was completely numb. I spoke the truth. “I don’t feel like anything.”
“You can’t do this all day, Sang.”
I met his gaze, feeling the steel in me drawing up and taking over. “Are you going to tell me when I can and can’t eat, and when I can cry and not cry?”
His lips parted, his mouth was moving, but the words didn’t form.
Before he could manage to say anything, the door opened behind him. He stepped aside.
Mr. Blackbourne materialized at the open doorway and spotted us, looking surprised. “Kota?” he said, mildly curious. His eyes settled on me, and his countenance shifted. His lips dropped into a frown. He closed the door behind himself. “Miss Sorenson?”
“Mr. Blackbourne,” I said in a voice cooler than I’d intended, after all, he hadn’t been there the night before. I didn’t want to seem so cold to him.
Mr. Blackbourne’s eyes focused on Kota, the gray steeling over as heavily as my heart was then. “There better be a very good reason why she looks like this, and I can’t imagine one. Start talking, Mr. Lee.”
Kota spoke, describing how last night we had been on lockdown and had all gathered at Nathan’s house. He explained how we all went to bed and at some point in the night he woke up to find me missing. “Luke was gone, like expected, but when I checked with the others, no one else knew where she was. We were about to go to the job point to find him, when they rode up on North’s bike together. Luke had taken her along.”
“Did something happen on the job?” Mr. Blackbourne asked, glancing at me. “Is that why she looks like you’ve hit her?”
“She’s grounded,” Kota said, his mouth setting firm. “Her and Luke.”
Mr. Blackbourne raised a cool eyebrow. “Why?”
Kota tilted his head, as if not expecting this. “She disobeyed orders.”
“She’s not yours to order,” Mr. Blackbourne said. “I shouldn’t have to remind you she’s not on our team.”
“She’s with us,” Kota said. “She broke the rules. She was on lockdown to keep her safe and she left. I don’t know what else to do. When we break the rules, we’re grounded.”
“What do you want from her, Mr. Lee?” Mr. Blackbourne asked. “I gave Luke orders to take the quietest one in the group with him. I wasn’t specific, and he chose Miss Sorenson. I’d like to lecture him on being cocky, but as far as I’m concerned, Mr. Taylor was obeying orders and Miss Sorenson trusted Mr. Taylor enough to know what he was doing. We can’t ask her to trust us and then punish her for that trust when one of us asks her to do something.”
“But ...”
“What I should be asking you is how Miss Sorenson left the house without you being aware. How is it when she is back safe, she ends up grounded, but you bring her to school like this?” His hand directed to me.
Kota grunted, blowing out a puff of air. “She’s been this way since this morning. She won’t eat anything and she won’t talk to anyone. When she sits, she kneels like she’s doing now.”
“Of course she is. Can’t you see? She’s torturing herself over it. She’ll starve herself to death just to find out if you still care about her. It’s her way of apologizing without risking angering you further. Her parents taught her redemption comes through harsh punishment.”
My body started to rattle. Was it true? Maybe it was. I was tired, so I was probably overreacting, but knowing Kota was so mad at me had me so angry with myself.
Kota’s mouth fell open. “I didn’t ... I was trying to tell her to eat.”
“You can’t make demands when a girl looks like this. I’m surprised she didn’t punch you. I gave her orders not to let you guys push her around.”
