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“Oh, fuck,” he whispers as I get a firm grip on the base of his cock and slide my hand down to feel the length of it.
I pull my hand out and scoot up the bed to sit on my knees as I point at the pillow. “Lay down.”
He smiles as he slides his briefs off and I finally glimpse his full erection as he lies before me, his body glistening with sweat. My heart thumps against my chest as I realize I haven’t done this in so long and I’ve only done it with Chris. I don’t even know if I’m any good at it, but I know I want to do it. That has to count for something.
I slide his legs apart and position myself cross-legged between his legs as if I’m about to meditate. I wrap my fingers around the head then slide my hand down to stretch the skin taut. God, it looks perfect. I lean over and lick around the ridge, tasting his slight saltiness. He groans and I lick my lips before I wrap them around the head. I swirl my tongue over the tip before I take him further into my mouth. I close my eyes and hum softly as he hits the back of my throat.
He sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth as his fingers slide over my head and grip a handful of hair. “Oh, baby.”
I slide him out slowly and kiss the tip before I take him into my mouth again and bob my head; slowly at first then I pick up speed. I use my other hand to massage his pulsating sac. He’s panting and moaning and I’m drunk on the power of having this effect on him. I don’t want to stop, but I soon feel his sac contracting in my hand. His hips thrust gently, his fingers tugging my hair, as he lets go in my mouth.
He’s softening as I slide him out and swipe my thumb across the corner of my mouth. My body is shaking with adrenaline as he sits up and takes my face in his hands. He kisses me hungrily as I climb onto his lap. He pulls his head back and rests his forehead against mine, his chest heaving as he lets out a low chuckle.
“You are so sexy. How did I get so lucky?”
“You stalked the crap out of me.”
He laughs as he reaches over the side of the bed and picks his shorts up off the floor. He digs through his pocket and pulls out his wallet. I look on impatiently as he tosses the condom wrapper and the wallet onto the floor and slides the condom on.
He slides his finger into my folds and massages my clit as he kisses my neck. “You drive me so fuckin’ crazy,” he breathes into my ear as he takes my earlobe between his teeth and a shock of pleasure pulsates between my legs. “Come for me, baby.”
I grind my hips as he caresses me, arching my back and he takes my nipple into his mouth, sucking and tugging at the sensitive flesh. I lose myself again and the cry that’s been building in my throat releases as I collapse in his arms. He flips me gently onto my back and positions himself between my legs. He sinks down onto his elbows so our noses are touching then slowly guides himself into me, not giving me any time to recover. I gasp and he stops.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, yes, yes. Don’t stop.”
It’s painful, but definitely worth it as he slides farther into me until he hits my core. I let out an involuntary whimper and he swallows it as he kisses me tenderly, dipping in and out of me. His chest rubs against mine, sending sparks through my sensitive nipples, and I moan into his mouth. He pierces me steadily as he gently stretches me.
“I love you so much,” he murmurs as he looks into my eyes.
“I love you, too.” I hold his gaze and rock my hips in rhythm with his thrusts.
He kisses me again, hungrier this time as I rake my nails softly over his back. His arms begin to shake as he reaches climax. He lingers inside me as he kisses me, drawing out the moment. Finally, he pulls away and plants a kiss on my lips and another on my nose before he rolls off me.
I stare at the ceiling in a daze. I did it. And it was amazing. This must mean I’m over him. I don’t even want to think his name. I don’t want to think about what I did to him. I turn my head and Adam looks exhausted, but he’s still smiling and beckoning me to curl up next to him.
This is me turning the page on another chapter.
Chapter Fifteen
Relentless Secrets
Two weeks tick by like seconds on a clock, and before we know it it’s the Thursday night before my birthday. Adam and I have spent the past twelve days checking in on Cora; taking group surf lessons with other beginners on Shell Island; and carefully avoiding the subject of why I dropped out of school and what those house plans on his drafting table are for. We’ve exchanged house keys, but we still haven’t exchanged secrets. It should serve as some sort of warning that there are still some things we haven’t shared with each other, but I try not to let it bother me and I assume he’s doing the same.
Adam sits on his sofa and I sit next to him with my handful of Red Vines. “Jamie called me last night to apologize for kicking us out of her room. It only took her, like, four weeks.”
“Did you guys talk about it?” I ask as I take a bite of my licorice and hand him one.
He waves away the candy. “Yeah. It was nice. We used to have long talks all the time when her and Myles were together. Nothing was the same after he died.”
I lay my cheek against his soft T-shirt and inhale the fresh laundry fragrance combined with his warm man scent.
“Are you sniffing me again?”
“I can’t help it. You smell so delicious.”
He points the remote at the TV and the channel changes multiple times until he settles on MTV.
“I can guarantee you I taste better than I smell,” he says and I smack his chest. “Just making it known in case you get any ideas.”
I lean my head back and he looks down at me with that hungry look I’ve come to know so well. The look that can make me do things I would never do.
I clasp my hands around the back of his neck and pull his face toward me. As our lips touch, the host on MTV announces, “And now, the highly anticipated world premiere video from Chris Knight’s debut album Relentless. Here is SLEEPYHEAD!”
“Come here,” he growls as his hands slide over my ass and pulls me up so I’m straddling him.
I press my hands against his chest and push off. I can feel him underneath me, but I can’t see him and I realize it’s because my eyes are closed as the memory slams into me.
Chris’s lips smell and taste like the berry Capri-Sun he was just sipping and I can’t shake the feeling that we’re too young to be alone in my room. But it feels so right as his fingers lightly graze my ribs sending chills through every part of my body. I’m eighteen today. Eighteen is a perfectly fine age to lose your virginity; especially if it’s with the boyfriend you’ve been with for more than two years, who also happens to be the most amazing, patient boyfriend a girl could ask for.
His hand slides farther up and I flinch when his fingers hit the wire of my bra. “I love you,” he whispers, and somehow this has the opposite effect.
I push him off and he sighs as he lies back. “I’m sorry,” I mutter. “I’m just scared that it’s going to hurt and then I’ll feel different about you. I don’t want to feel like you’ve hurt me.”
He turns onto his side and kisses my cheek. He slips his hand under my T-shirt and traces circles around my bellybutton as he says, “I could never hurt you. You’re my Claire-bear. But I can’t fucking lie. I want to be inside you so bad…. I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.” He plants a soft kiss on my belly and I shiver. “But I’ll wait as long as it takes.”
I stroke his hair out of his face and whisper, “I love you.”
He kisses my temple before he springs up off the bed, leaving me feeling a little used up. “I’ll be right back, babe.”
He comes back a minute later with his acoustic guitar and closes the bedroom door. No one else is home. Jackie and her new boyfriend Tim are running errands before we meet them tonight for a birthday dinner. If Jackie knew what Chris and I are doing right now she’d kill both of us. Somehow, we’ve managed to keep our relationship a secret from her. This makes it seem as if Chris and I are doing something
wrong, though we’re not.
The simple gesture of Chris closing the bedroom door makes me feel safe, like he knows exactly what I need. He always has.
I scoot back so he can sit on the edge of the bed next to me. He settles down with his guitar in his lap and strums a haphazard melody as he tunes the guitar by ear.
“I wrote this for you. It’s about the day we met. It’s called ‘Sleepyhead’.”
I smile as I remember how tired I was the day we met from not having slept the night before, but somehow he still convinced me to go downstairs and listen to him play.
His lips start toying with the ball piercing in his tongue, the way they always does when he’s working up the nerve to perform for me. He claims it’s unintentional, but it’s extremely hot. He starts plucking the strings and the melody that flows out is both haunting and sweet. I’m already on the verge of tears when he begins to sing.
“Feels so wrong to want this. You look so broken there. A flicker in the mist, as tired as the air.” He looks up at me and my breath hitches. He holds my gaze the entire time he’s singing, except when he closes his eyes as he belts out the chorus. “So frightened of the dark. You’re my sleepyhead. Hiding with the stars. Put your dreams to bed, my sleepyhead.”
A tear rolls down my cheek and falls on his guitar as I grab his face and kiss him.
I open my eyes and Adam’s face is blurry through the tears.
“Claire, why are you crying?” Adam asks as he takes the Red Vines from my hand and lays them on the coffee table.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, wiping my cheeks as the song continues to play in the background. I scoot over to the other end of the sofa and hug my knees tightly. “I’m a horrible, horrible person.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
I can feel him staring at me, but I keep my gaze focused on the ropes of red licorice on the table. They remind me of blood vessels and I think of how my mother abused her veins. I think of how I nearly took a razor to my veins six months ago. I think of all the secrets pumping through my veins, poisoning me, ruining me.
“There are some things that, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself they’re for the best, always seem to cut a chunk out of your heart. And you know that no matter how many wonderful people and beautiful adventures you welcome into your life, you’ll never be whole again. You’ll never be you again.” My throat aches as I speak, but I keep going. “I don’t even know who I was before I dropped out. I feel like that person wasn’t me. Or maybe who I am now isn’t the real me. All I know is that I became the kind of person I always swore I would never be, and from here on out that will never change because no amount of apologizing can undo what I did.”
