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Then he sings the first line and his voice . . . it’s like salted caramel, smooth and richly sweet with a grainy finish.
Hope can cleanse the darkest soul
Wash away the blue
And hope is all I can recall
The night I met you
Washed up on this shore of mine
A shell broken, cracked
Never could have known this time
You’d turn my world black
This black box
Is yours to keep
This black box
Will help you sleep
This black box
Don’t know your name
This black box
Loves you just the same
Time don’t pass for the lonely
Season’s all look gray
Time stands still when you hold me
Knowing you won’t stray
Love don’t come to the wicked
Get what’s coming back
Oh, love ain’t no white picket
No, our love is black
I don’t believe in coincidence or fate
But I know one thing for sure
Your face was meant to be
Burned into the deepest reaches
Of my blackest memories.
He sings the chorus a couple more times then he slings the guitars behind his back as the crowd cheers. He takes my face in his hands as his green eyes are fixed on mine. The sounds of applause and cheering fade away. Our eyes close and I hold my breath until I feel his lips on mine. I take a deep breath, breathing him in, then I part my lips and he swallows my exhalation.
I have never been kissed in front of anyone, much less a crowd of strangers, but I know this is a kiss I’ll never forget. Because I’ve never felt more safe or loved in my entire life than I do in this moment. And with each passing second, I find myself longing for more than just his kiss.
He pulls away and chuckles as I lean into him, seeking more. Some others must have noticed as I hear a few brief strains of laughter from the crowd.
‘Are you ready to go?’ Crush asks and I nod hastily.
Yes, I’m ready to go. I want to do that again.
*****
We make out in the back of the car all the way back to the hotel. Just kissing, with one of his hands on my knee and the other clasping the back of my neck, I’ve never felt more alive. Every tilt of his head and stroke of his tongue, every brush of his lips against mine, sends sparks of longing through me. This is what it feels like to want someone. It’s beautiful and frightening and I don’t know if I should stop it.
I push him away as I begin to feel his weight pressing me into the corner of the backseat. ‘Wait.’
‘I’m sorry. Am I pushing you?’ He sits up straight and scrunches his eyebrows. ‘You’re shaking.’
‘I’m scared. Not of you,’ I clarify. ‘I’m scared that my memories from the past will get jumbled up with my memories of you, and I don’t want that to happen.’
‘You don’t have to explain. All you have to do is say no, or wait, or stop, or piss off, or leave me the fuck alone, dipshit. I’ll never force you to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing and I’ll never make you feel guilty about that. Okay?’
I nod as the car pulls up in front of the Park Plaza. ‘Okay. But . . . is it okay if we do that some more?’
‘Do what?’
‘Kiss.’
‘We can do that as long as you want.’
In the elevator on the ride up to the fourth floor, he steals another kiss and I freeze, my body tingling as his lips travel across my jaw and up to my ear. ‘Tonight is our last night in this room. Do you still want to switch rooms with me tomorrow?’
I smile with relief as the doors slide open and I pull him out of the elevator. ‘Yes.’
I run down the corridor, giddy with excitement, like this is the last day of school. He walks behind me with a smile so warm it could halt a blizzard. I watch him as he catches up to me outside the door of our room, then I throw my arms around him.
‘You make me feel normal.’
His smile disappears and I feel like I’ve said something wrong, but he turns away and looks at the door suspiciously. ‘Do you hear voices in there?’
I don’t have time to answer before the door swings inward, pulled open by a policeman. Standing not more than ten feet behind him are another policeman, my parents, Meaghan, and Rina.
Rina looks pissed. ‘What the fuck, Mikki?’
‘Honey!’ My mom rushes me. ‘Get your hands off of her!’ she shrieks, pummeling Crush’s arms until he lets me go.
‘Mom, stop it.’ I position myself between her and Crush. ‘Stop it!’
‘Excuse me, sir. Can you please step inside?’
The officer who addressed Crush is well built and looks like he might want to do Crush some bodily harm. Crush glances at me, pure confusion in his eyes, then he squeezes past my mom and me and steps over the threshold. My mom throws her arms around my waist and her fingertips dig into my back as she hugs me tightly.
I pat her on the back then push her back. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Why didn’t you call us?’ She sounds more pissed than worried as I pry her arms from around my waist and follow Crush inside, ignoring her question.
‘Ma’am, were you being held against your will?’ The officer asks me this quite seriously as I step into the hotel room and I can’t help but laugh.
‘Are you kidding me? No, I am not being held against my will. We’re staying here cause our flight was rescheduled.’
‘Why haven’t you tried to get in contact with your family?’
The other officer with the mustache standing between Rina and my father asks this question in an accusatory tone.
‘My phone died,’ I reply defensively.
‘You could have called before it died or used the hotel phone.’ Meaghan’s pale cheeks are glistening with tears and my stomach vaults inside me knowing I’m the cause. ‘You lied to me,’ she continues. ‘You said you were going to L.A. for an interview.’
The devastation and betrayal in her eyes kills me. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t . . . I didn’t know . . . how it would affect you. I just wanted to leave. I just . . .’
I take a few deep breaths to try to stop the tears, but I can’t. And I can’t speak the truth aloud, that I just wanted to die, or these officers may take me in. But I don’t have to say it aloud for Meaghan to know what I mean when I say I want to leave.
Her jaw is set as I approach her. ‘You pissed all over the meaning of that book.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, taking her into my arms.
Her arms remain slack at her sides and I bite my lip as I realize she’s right.
‘What book?’ Rina looks confused and slightly betrayed over this reference.
I’ve never shared Black Box with Rina for one simple reason: She doesn’t read books and I didn’t want to see how uninterested she would be in something that meant so much to me. I do share almost everything with her, but a part of me also feels she doesn’t deserve to know about anything that happened after she ditched me at that party three years ago.
The past four months of community college have been absolute hell for me. I’ve had three panic attacks in class. I blacked out in the middle of the quad when I heard a voice behind me that sounded like one of my attackers. And everyone just keeps trying to convince me that it will get easier with time. It probably will get easier, but it’s not getting easier any time soon. So, what? I’m just supposed to suffer with this fear that permeates every cell in my body? I know that eventually another predator will recognize that fear. Whether they will act on it is something I can’t know, but it’s a dark fear I live with daily.
The day I was raped I was taught an important but harsh lesson: An individual’s body does not belong to them if they can’t walk the streets at night without fear of being violated. The first time I was committed I learned another lesson: A person’s mi
