As usual, Shane took care to wipe his feet on the rug—it was one of the small, considerate things Caitlin liked about him—and then he removed his hat. “It’s my turn to apologize now.”
“I have something to tell you, too."
“Me, first,” he insisted, nervously running a hand through his hair. “I’m very sorry I made those obnoxious comments. I was completely out of line. Whatever you do with the cottage isyourbusiness and I had no right to say anything about it. I think I was just frustrated because I felt so personally invested in it. I mean, I felt privileged to help you fulfill your aunt’s dream. It was sort of like we were… like we were partnering together in a really meaningful way.”
He paused, his eyes searching Caitlin’s face, as if to read her reaction. Moved by his openness, she nodded. “I felt like we had a strong connection, too.”
He continued. “And even though you were going to sell the property, I knew the remodel would add to the value of the house, which would ultimately benefit you. And that made me happy because you’d been through a rough time recently and I liked knowing something good was coming your way. So that’s why I was hoping you’d fight for it instead of…”
“Rolling over and playing dead?” she prompted, recalling his words.
His ears went scarlet. “No. I was going to say instead of letting those swindlers rip it out of your hands, but I didn’t want to be too derisive toward your aunt’s relatives,” he clarified with a wry smile. “I never should’ve said you rolled over and played dead about any of the circumstances you shared with me. I trulydo admire you for how easily you can let some offenses slide and get on with life.”
“Hmm, it might seem that way, but I’m afraid that’s not accurate.” Figuring it would be easier to be vulnerable if they weren’t standing face-to-face, she said, “I’d like to explain, but it might take a while. Can we chat up in the loft?”
So she made coffee for him and tea for herself, and they carried their mugs to the loft, where Caitlin turned up the electric fireplace. For a few minutes, they sat in silence, staring out the window as the sun bathed the icy water with soft light. When Caitlin began speaking, she asked if Shane had ever heard any stories about Nicole drowning.
“Yes,” he acknowledged. “I’ve heard a few different accounts.”
“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since it’s a small island,” she said. “But how come you didn’t let on that you knew?”
“Why would I? It didn’t have anything to do with you and me, or with remodeling the loft. Besides, I’m sure it’s a painful topic, and it was clear you were very guarded about your privacy,” he said. “I didn’t want to bring up something that would hurt you or something you obviously didn’t want to talk about. I can’t even imagine how traumatizing that was for you when you were a teenager.”
“That’s what everyone thinks. And it’s true, I was completely broken up about Nicole dying. But there’s more to it than that.” Without mentioning anything about Craig, Caitlin recounted what had happened that evening, and she confided how guilty she’d felt for sneaking off with Donald. “I always felt like if I had only stayed at the party, then Nicole wouldn’t have walked down the beach alone.”
“That’s a boatload of guilt for a kid,” he said. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“My aunt tried to say that from the very beginning, but…” Her voice drifted off as she thought about how ferociously Lydia had defended her when Pam blamed Caitlin for Nicole’s disappearance.
“Your aunt was right.” Shane’s tone was unequivocal. “Trust me. I was a lot like Nicole when I was in high school. Strong-willed. Bent on doing my own thing, my own way. I’m telling you, even if you had stuck to Nicole like glue, if she wanted to ditch the party early, she would’ve found a way.”
“Yeah, I know that intellectually, but emotionally… it’s hard to internalize. Now I’ve lived with the guilt for so long, it almost seems wrong to let go of it,” she admitted. “But I’m going to try.”
“Good,” he said emphatically.
“Anyway, I know you’re sorry that you asked me why I roll over and play dead, but honestly, it was a valid question, and it made me realize something about myself.” Then she told him what she’d never told anyone else. “See, after Nicole died, I came up here to the loft, and I cried. You may have heard rumors about how I freaked out and locked myself up here, or whatever, but that’s not what happened. I’d been awake most of the night, so I was really tired and I cried myself to sleep.”
He shifted a little, waiting for her to continue. After she told him what she’d heard Nicole’s grandmother saying, Shane squeezed her shoulder. “That must have been unbearable for her—and so sad for you to hear it.”
“Yes, it was. And in a way… I think on some level, I stopped living a little that day, too. I mean, after that, I felt like it wasn’t fair that I should get to go to college or travel or have a career.” Her voice wobbled as she continued, “And I especially didn’t feel like it was fair for me to fall in love, or to have anyone truly love me, since I was… I was off making out with my boyfriend while Nicole was drowning…”
Shane’s voice was like a moan. “Oh, Caitlin.”
“So when something unfair happens and I don’t fight back, it’s not because I’m passive by nature. And it’s not because I’m particularly generous, or forgiving, either—although I try my best to take extenuating circumstances into consideration,” she said. “It’s that deep down, I feel like, well, like at least I’m alive, so who am I to complain? Or maybe that I don’t deserve any better.”
“That’s so untrue.”
She nodded. “I’m starting to see that now… which is why I’ve decided I’m going to fight to keep the cottage, no matter what it takes. Even if I have to drain my retirement account to hire an attorney.”
“Yes!” Shane shouted, punching both fists into the air. “I’m sure you’ll win and when you do, you can replenish your savings from the money you’ll get from the sale of the cottage.”
“No, I won’t.” She clarified, “When I say I’m going to fight to keep the cottage, I mean keepit formyself—I’m not going to put it on the market.”
His jaw dropped. “So does that mean you’re going to…?” He looked so bewildered that Caitlin connected the dots for him.
“If I win the case, I’m going to move here, and start my own consulting business. I figure if I win, I’ll have a place to live rent-free while I’m building my client list. And if I need to, I can always work at a bakery or something,” she said. “And if I lose?—”
Shane cut in. “Youwon’t.”
