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I hated this. I hated not knowing if he was okay. But he made it clear with his body language and words he didn’t say that he didn’t want me near him. In the light of day, I realized he blamed me. Us. For this. Octavia had done this because Nate had left her. Broken things off. People broke up all the time. This wasn’t fair. To react this way. To take another life with your own. She had to be in a very dark place but I was angry at her. For her choice. For what she took. How could she do that? Leave her family behind? I’d not been given a choice. I had to fight to live yet she just threw her life away and that of her child’s.
“Do you think someone is making sure he eats?”
Eli walked over and sat at my feet on the edge of the bed. “Yes. Now that I know what happened, what I saw last night makes sense. I think that his dad came here to get him. Didn’t want him to drive. Brought the other man to drive his truck home. I watched his dad hug him tightly. I think he’s being watched over. He’s not alone.”
“He has good parents,” I said more for my sake than anything. Reminding myself what I knew already.
“I’m glad.”
I nodded and finally sat up. “He blames me. He blames us. What we did. Him breaking up with her because of me. I . . . I kissed him before he broke up with her. Maybe I am to blame. He could hate me and be justified.” I dropped my head into my hands. “I just don’t understand it. How someone can be so upset that they take their life knowing the devastation they’ll leave behind.”
Eli let out a deep sigh. “I don’t either. But we don’t know where her head was. She could have been in a twisted dark place and didn’t know how to ask for help. Who to ask.”
That wasn’t enough for me. Maybe Eli thought she had an excuse but I didn’t She just took lives like they weren’t meaningful. Like every breath we take isn’t a gift. Because it is. I knew that. I knew that every time I saw the sunrise it wasn’t something to take for granted. It was something to be thankful for. It wasn’t to be tossed away. Life was special. No matter how hard it got it could get better. You had to trust that.
“I know you fought to live, Bliss. You see life as the precious gift it is. I also know that is what you’re sitting there battling over in your head. But people have problems. Their brains betray them. They need help maybe even medication. You don’t know what her thoughts were when she did it.”
For now, I just needed him to stop. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t believe it. The wake of sorrow that her selfish choices made would never heal.
Nate Finlay
I COULD HEAR their voices downstairs. They were all here. Both my sisters. My Uncle Grant, Aunt Harlow and Lila Kate. Aunt Nan, Uncle Cope, Finn, and I could even hear Calla’s loud voice. They’d let her out of school today it seems. They were all here for me. It was my family. It’s what we did. We were there for each other.
Although I expected this I didn’t want it. Having Dad show up last night and drive me home had been what I needed. The fact I was too emotionally fucked up to drive hadn’t registered then. But when he and Uncle Grant stepped out of the truck I knew that I wanted them there.
The large group downstairs, I didn’t want. I needed to be left alone. They couldn’t cheer me up. They didn’t understand it all. No one knew what had happened exactly. They were blaming this on Octavia coming off her meds. She dealt with depression. What I hadn’t told anyone was that I might have put that rope around her neck.
I knew now she wanted to tell me about the baby. I’d told her I didn’t care with my response. All because I loved Bliss York. Love wasn’t supposed to cause this. It was supposed to make you happy and all that shit that was downstairs. Married people that I’d grown up watching and wondering if love was that great. Or just a lot of work.
When I finally think maybe they were all on to something, I’m thrown into a nightmare. Fuck being in love. I had wanted easy. I had chosen something more and it screwed up everything. It hurt so many people. It had taken my son. My son. I’d had a son.
But he was gone. Just like his mother. So quickly. So needlessly.
