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My door opened and mom stepped inside and closed it behind her. The apologetic look on her face told me she knew I didn’t want them all here.
“They’re worried about you,” she said simply.
I understood that. But I still wanted privacy.
“You can come eat with us or I’ll bring you up breakfast. But you’ve got to eat.”
Last night she had been out at the truck before I could even step out of it. Like dad she’d wrapped me in her arms. Her face had been wet with tears and her eyes red and swollen. She hadn’t said anything but that she loved me.
There had been nothing more to say. She understood me better than anyone. Even dad. Like now. She was quietly coming to check on me. Knowing I wouldn’t want to go down there and face them all.
“I’ll come down to eat. If I don’t they’ll all start coming up here.” I didn’t want to but not eating wasn’t happening with Blaire Finlay. She was stubborn.
“I’d like to do a memorial service with just family for him,” she said the words so quietly I almost didn’t hear her. Him. My son. The one who wasn’t given a chance. The pain tore through me again so fiercely I winced. But she was right. We should. He deserved to be remembered. His life acknowledged
“Okay,” I replied.
She nodded and tears filled her eyes. She walked over to pull me into her arms again. “He would have been beautiful. Just like you.”
I didn’t want to think about that now. Maybe one day I’d be able to think of how he would look. What he would have been like. But not now. I wasn’t ready. I let my mother grieve in her own way.
She let me go and kissed my cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Come when you’re ready,” she told me before turning to leave the room.
I wasn’t sure I would be ready in the next year but that wasn’t what she meant. She wanted me to come in the next hour. Getting this over with so I could return to my solitude was the best I could do.
Grabbing a tee shirt, I pulled it on to go with the sweat pants I had slept in. I didn’t care about my hair or brushing my teeth. If my breath stunk they might keep their distance. I prepared myself for all the well meant love and support I was about to walk into and headed downstairs.
Aunt Nan was talking about Calla getting a bad grade and her threat to pull her out of cheerleading when I walked into the room. They all seemed to notice me at once and the room went silent. No one moved except for Aunt Nan. She immediately got up from her chair and came straight to me. Grabbed my arms and kissed my cheek hard then pulled me tightly into a hug. “You’re strong, Nate Finlay. Tough as nails. You’re going to hurt in a way I can’t imagine but you will make it through. You will find happiness and you will be okay.” Her words were said with such conviction I almost believed them.
I hugged her back and whispered a “thanks” even though I didn’t think I deserved to ever be okay. When she let me go she turned to my mother. “I’ll fix him some coffee while you get his plate ready.”
Mom was already working on my food as she nodded.
“Now don’t you all stand around here acting like the sound of your voices are going to break him. Talk dammit,” Uncle Grant’s words would have made me smile if there was a chance I could have.
They all started slowly talking again. Mom put my plate down across from where my dad was sitting with his coffee. He had been silent but his steady gaze had been on me. I looked at him and the solemn expression in his eyes said more than any words. He was worried about me and wanted to fix this but knew he couldn’t.
“You sleep?” he asked as I sat down.
“Some.”
He nodded and took a drink of his coffee. His eyes shifted to Uncle Grant as he sat down beside me. “Love you, kid,” he told me as he squeezed my shoulder.
I knew that. I knew they all did but they were all at a loss of what to say.
Finn stood nervously to the side a few feet away but I saw him watching me. He wasn’t sure if he should get closer or what to do. I turned to my younger cousin. “Have a sit,” I told him nodding to the chair to my right. “It’s okay.”
Finn was nineteen now. When he had been born, he’d been a baby that bored me. But soon he had become my little shadow and I liked it. Having him look up to me and mimic me made me feel important. He was the little brother I never had. Although he was much larger than me now. He was the size of his father and Uncle Cope was a big man. He was also quieter like his dad. His sister however was like Aunt Nan. She was chatty and loved attention.
