“You know me too well,” I admitted, chewing on my lip. “I kind of have two things to talk with you about.”
“Okay, what’s up?”
“Do you remember Derek? You met him on Fourth of July?”
“You mean the roommate you have the hots for? Yeah, Iremember him.” I could hear the smile on his lips, and I settled back against the couch more.
“Well, he’s my boyfriend now.” I said, feeling my chest warm at finally telling someone about our relationship.
“Damn, Colton!” Bails laughed, “Let's go! That’s awesome news, man. Has Mom already picked out your wedding date?”
When my mom found out about my first boyfriend, she’d wanted toshowher support instead of just saying it. She’d put together this whole presentation on how our ‘gay wedding’ would look so beautiful in the backyard and had already picked out a date for us. It had been absolutely mortifying in the moment, but now it was a family inside joke.
I gave a short huff of amusement. “Mom and Pop don’t know. No one does.”
Bailey hummed, “Wanting to just bask in that new relationship vibe for a bit? I get that. The Stitches Club kind of makes it hard to keep anything private there with how involved in everyone’s lives they are. Do you think anyone has suggested they start a romance book club or something? Might be something to think about.”
“That’s a part of it, for sure. But, he’s also not out.” I admitted, knowing how that’d sound. “He wants to be, so he’s actually seeing his family this weekend to tell them. When he’s back, we’re going to tell Mom and Pop.”
“Okay…” Bailey’s voice was laced with underlying suspicion. “So, what’s the problem? Do you think he’s going to back out?”
I shook my head and let out a breath, “No. I’m serious when I say he really wants to be out. I know you only talked with him briefly, but he’s a really great guy, Bails. I never knew I could feel this safe and supported in a relationship before. He’s one of the first people I haven’t had to worry about being myself around, anxiety and all. I don’t know how to explain it,but he sees me. All of me, and has never shied away from what that means.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line before Bailey’s voice came back, a bit of awe in it. “You’re in love with him.”
It wasn’t a question and my heart rapt heavily in my chest. “Yeah, I am.” There was something about admitting it out loud, but not to the man himself, that felt so comforting and wrong at the same time.
“But, I haven’t told him yet. I want to—like really want to—but I just asked him to be my boyfriend two weeks ago. And he isn’t out yet, so I want to wait till things calm down, but when he left this morning I literally had to bite my tongue so I didn’t let it slip.” I ran a hand down my face, “I’m afraid I’m going to just blurt it randomly and freak him out.”
Bailey snickered, “I don’t know, what’s so wrong with that? That sounds very you.”
I wanted to be offended, but he wasn’t wrong. “He deserves more than me word vomiting my feelings. Plus, I don’t want him to feel pressured if he isn’t there yet.”
“Look,” Bailey started and I could hear him shifting in his seat, “I can’t give you any reassurance about where his feelings are, because I don’t really know him. But, from what I could gather when we talked, he’s a decent guy and it sounds like he cares about you. There is always some level of uncertainty when it comes to admitting your feelings to someone for the first time. But, if he really does care about you, they shouldn’t scare him, even if he’s not there yet. Now, as for when to tell him, only you are going to be able to determine the right time.”
I let out a humorless laugh, “I’d tell him tonight on the phone if I didn’t think I’d have a panic attack not seeing his face.”
Bailey grunted, “Well, I’d have to agree doing it face to face would be better. But, at the end of the day, Colton, thisrelationship is between you and Derek, so doing what feels right for both of y’all is what’s important. Take my advice with a grain of salt.”
I rolled my eyes, “If I didn’t think you’d lead me in the right direction, I wouldn’t have called. Plus, I think I knew all that, I just needed to hear it.”
“Well, now that you’ve heard it, you said you had two things to tell me?”
I sucked some air between my teeth. That was Bailey, never one to beat around the bush. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to call you to talk, but I wasn’t really sure how to tell you what I needed to say.” I paused to ground myself a little before jumping in. “My anxiety has been really well managed for a while now. I still have my moments, but my therapist has been really awesome, and is there if I need her. She asks me pretty regularly if my family is supportive, and I’ve always said y’all were. But, I realized recently that may not be true. And I think it’s my fault.”
“What do you mean?”
I sucked my lips between my teeth before continuing. “I realized I’ve kind of been subconsciously making myself out to be some pariah in our family.” Bailey made a noise and I quickly added, “No one did or said anything to make me feel that way. I convinced myself that since I was the only one who struggled with anxiety, y’all would get frustrated or annoyed by me needing extra support.”
“Colton…” Bailey sounded pained.
I took a slow breath through my nose, trying to slow my racing heart.
“I didn’t want it to be more obvious how different I was from the rest of y’all. So, instead of letting you guys in on what was actually going on in my head, I actively avoided talking about it, which meant I had to be hyperaware of my own thoughts and feelings so I could self-regulate quickly if needed. I put a lot of pressure on myself to not make my anxiety aproblem for anyone else, but in doing so, it made me more anxious.”
“That sounds exhausting,” he said, his voice sounding sympathetic.
I laughed a little. “Yeah, it can be. Honestly, I think my caffeine addiction is actually a byproduct of being so tired from all the mental hoops I jump through on a daily basis.”
