‘And you kept saying no.’
‘Yes, but I didn’t know why. I wanted my baby to be safe. I wanted to give birth, but this wall kept blocking me from acting. It was so strange . . . and filled with fear.’
‘Sounds like a long week.’
‘Longest of my life. Everything about it was bizarre.’
‘Because of the invisible wall?’
Beth met his curious eyes. ‘Yes, but then I had another scan. They didn’t tell me anything, and I was too numb to ask, then after that, something snapped in me, and I let them induce me. All I kept thinking was Archie’s stomach wasn’t growing, and it was my fault. My nerves were rattling each minute of every day.’
‘And you didn’t tell anyone?’
‘I didn’t know how to express myself. It was as though someone had stolen my voice. All I knew was my baby needed to come out, and I couldn’t do it.’ She took a calming breath, desperate to hold back the tears threatening.
‘It sounds like you were very much alone, Beth.’
It was surprisingly comforting hearing him mention her name. She smiled softly. ‘I’m not sure I felt alone. I was too busy feeling insane. I wasn’t even sure I could feel emotion anymore. Like I said, I had no voice.’
Spencer shuffled in his seat, losing his relaxed demeanour. He got up to switch off Archie’s mobile. The baby was sound asleep and didn’t need it, but Beth missed the soothing musicinstantly. He moved to sit at the other end of the sofa. ‘I would have been your voice, Beth.’ His words were sincere, and part of her warmed.
‘It’s a strange feeling when you just shut down. Jan said it was the anxiety taking control, but when I see myself in that hospital bed, it looks like I have depression.’
‘Maybe you slipped into that state because your situation wasn’t improving. If you think about it, you were kind of running on a loop.’
Beth bobbed her head.
She watched him bite his lip. ‘They all knew me up there, and one time, I got the feeling a team of nurses were talking about me. They were huddled together by the desk, shooting daggers every few seconds.’
‘Seriously!’
She looked over at him. He seemed as tense as her. ‘I don’t know. Maybe I was just paranoid. I just wanted to go home.’
Spencer’s lip twitched. ‘And how was the birth?’
Beth relaxed into the blanket, her jaw loosening a touch. ‘All right. My midwife was lovely, so was the doctor who attended the birth, and I handled the pain as well as can be expected. The woman giving birth in the next room was screaming, but I was more into gritting my teeth. I had gas and air, and a ventouse was used, and Archie was born. All six pounds four of him.’
‘And how was his stomach?’
Beth’s anger tried to rise, but she settled herself, knowing calmness was needed in her life now. ‘The doctor who was at the birth came to see me with a chart. There were guidelines and dots. The line that represented Archie’s stomach had a dot attached underneath. That’s what the concern had been. I asked her if that was it, because I couldn’t believe how close the dot was to the guideline. I just stared at it in disbelief. I was shockedto see it touching the line, as I was expecting it to be halfway down the page.’
Spencer looked confused, and she knew how he felt. The chat in the hospital about the baby-development chart was so confusing. ‘So there wasn’t anything wrong with his stomach?’
‘Nope. The doctor gave me a sorrowful look, told me on behalf of her team they were sorry, and that the scans aren’t a hundred percent accurate. Those were her words. I was utterly gobsmacked.’
‘Then what happened?’
‘Nothing. That was it. The whole conversation lasted barely five minutes. She was just sent to explain that his stomach was perfectly fine and to say sorry. It was a short, polite apology. No fuss, no frills. And I was speechless. My mind was yelling, “That’s it! That’s where the dot is! I went through hell for that!”. They didn’t even test his stomach when he was born. In fact, they didn’t do any tests on him. The next day, I was sent home.’
‘Bloody hell, no wonder you have trauma.’ Spencer seemed to chastise himself. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to blurt that. I can just see why the experience affected you.’
Beth could see it too now Jan had made certain things clear. ‘It went on to affect me in the form of night sweats and hypervigilance. But I still didn’t know what was wrong with me until Jan explained.’ She smiled, thinking of her therapist. ‘She’s a nice lady. She simplified everything.’
Spencer gestured at the pram. ‘I noticed he eats well.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with him, that’s why.’
He flopped back, and she heard his sigh. ‘What a nightmare.’
