“I think you should keep it.”
I couldn’t have been more surprised than if she had slapped me in the face with a raw fish. I turned to look at her to see the telltale signs of an inappropriate joke. Instead she lifted her eyebrows in challenge.
“My dear, you may not believethis,but you would make a wonderful mother.”
“Okay, are we revisiting your cocaine phase because everything you are saying is batshit crazy,” I said, while ducking down to get a closer look at her nostrils.
She swatted me away. “I’m long done with my fascination of theroaring twenties and the stuffwouldconflictwith my heart medication. Stop it.”
Then grabbingmy hands with a sudden force that took me by surprise, she said,“You are so full of fear. I never wanted that for you my dear sweet grandchild.”Her eyes were dark marbles of intensity that cut through me.
I wanted to make the gagging sound and brush off her startling tenderness, but I resisted, choosing to listen.
“You are not your father.”
Her words hitmelike a shot. We didn’t talk about him. It’s why this morning had been such a disaster. We’d skirted too close to him and my mother, and it was to be avoided at all costs.
And now here she was literally going straight for the bullseye.
She gripped meharderwith surprising strength in herold,knotted hands,and said again, “You are not your father.”
Well fuck, I’m blaming thefetusfor thebubble of emotion stuck in my throat.
She loosened her grip and sat back slightly. “I think a baby could help heal a lot of that fear in yourKrystan.”
My words came out craggy and hoarse. “Oh yeahgran, because I should have a baby to fix my life. That’s a great idea.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “For most? No. But if you don’tallow yourself this,you are going to live a very selfish life.”
I bristled at that. “What if I want to live a selfish life? What’s wrong with that?”
“Because you are a good girl,Krystan. But you could be great.”
I said in a smaller voice. “What if I really am this selfish for all my life? Then I make some poor kid suffer and they end up all screwed up. And then it’s my fault. Well I guess it wouldactually beyour fault because you’re the one who thinks—”
Mygranstepped over my words with an imperious tone. “You are not nearly as bad as you think you are,KrystanMariahRits.”
I sidestepped the fact that I’d just soft-admitted to thinking about keeping the kid.
Mygrannodded again as if the thought she already had had completely firmed up. “Yes, it would do you good. Children can heal wounds in our hearts.”
I went completely still as anxiety swept up and down my body in waves of hot and cold. I fought off flying demon bat babies, evil spirits, and monster blobs, but nothing from the Stygian had provoked this level of fear in me.
I had to force the words out.“That’s not what happened for you.”
My grandma’s brows scrunched up together,pained,as she patted my handsthen stood up. She was about to leave me to my horrific thoughts and terrible urge to drink, butshe pausedatthe door. “Travis could make a good father.”
“What the hellgran? Are you psychic or something?”
She didn’t crack a smile. “I know you think he’s not good enough for you, but the truth is that you’re scaredbecause you thinkyouarenot good enough forhim.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. “Okaygran, now I know you are back on the powder.”
Her lips lifted in a half sad smile before opening the door. “I’ll be out late tonight, it’s my poker night. Don’t wait up.”
I looked at the clock. Cripes, I hadn’t even recognized it was almost 4:00 p.m. Where the hell had the day gone?
The sound of kid-like whines floated up the stairs, and I realized that even if I wasn’t ready to get rid of this baby yet, Ineededto get those two punk runaways back home. I walked over to my small vanity that was covered in makeup, literally—lipstick and eyeliner had smeared on the wood. I grabbed an eyeliner and reapplied to make the lines thicker. I grabbed a fresh shirt that hadbright red lips branded in sequins on it with the midriffcut off and traded it out for the old one. I glanced at myself in the mirror on my way out.
