There's a hollowness echoing within me, each pulse a reminder of the chasm between who I am and who I yearn to be, a gulf filled with the debris of shattered dreams and unattainable peace.
Another hyena laugh tipped out of me. “It’s not my power.”
And even though I was still ancient and primal, and my mind was still racing with thoughts of the outside world, I knew in this moment, I was exactly where I belonged.
I paced to the far end of my cage and back again. Again and again. I did it for years. I’d continue to do it for years.
“It’s not my power, it’s my brain. It’s broken. I’m broken. I didn’t want you to see.” A sob lodged itself in my throat, and I refused to let it out. If I did, an ocean would rush out behind it.
I wasn’t making sense.
I’m never making any godsdamn sense.
“You thought I hated you. I could never hate you. That would be like hating oxygen. But I didn’t deserve oxygen.” Or was I supposed to say I didn’t deserve her? “I tried to hide it from you. I didn’t want you to see. So I hid away. I tried to be like you. I tried to control it. I tried to be steady. I tried to be what you needed, but I’m not.”
My hands wrapped around the bars as I confessed all my dirty little secrets to her. “Outside of here, this world is too big. It’s too bright. There are too many people. I don’t understand what anyone is saying. They type on tiny devices and they don’t look up. The lights up there are so bright they burn. The sounds of slot machines are machine guns against my brain. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t be calm!” I was yelling now. Not at her. Never at her.
I was yelling over the pain and confusion in my brain as my stomach and chest constricted so tightly, I thought my organs would collapse inside me. But they wouldn’t, they never did.
“But I practiced. I practiced so hard. Be normal, Xander. Be steady, Nun. Calm the waters inside, she needs calm waters. And I tried to calm them until I could come out. Come out to you.”
When I turned to look at her, Miranda was still there. For some reason I expected her to be gone. My voice dropped to a whisper. I desperately didn’t want to yell anymore.
“You have a name for this now,” I said with another hysterical titter of laughter. “Crazy. I am crazy, Miranda. Things burn inside my brain, but I don’t want to burn you.” I slowly made my way toward her. She didn’t move but her shoulders tensed.
“So, I come here and lock in all of my crazy.” I needed her to understand. I failed, but I tried so hard, so very hard to be better, to be what she needed. I dropped to my knees before her.
Every attempt to tame my own traitorous brain was a battle lost before it began. My insides churned with a maelstrom of emotions, each one a sharp reminder of the fractured existence I couldn’t escape. Miranda's presence here, in this space that represented my failures and fears, only amplified the turmoil. I'd spent countless moments, hidden in the shadows, trying to piece myself back together, to be someone worthy of standing by her side. The irony wasn’t lost on me that in seeking to protect her from my chaos, I've only drawn her deeper into my storm.
The pressure to be what Miranda needs—a pillar of strength in her world of uncertainties—felt like chains around my chest, tightening with every breath. I wanted to come back to her, whole, healed, a beacon of stability in the tumultuous sea of her life. Yet, here I am, disintegrating before her eyes, a testament to my inadequacies.
The realization hit like a physical blow, leaving me gasping for air in the suffocating space between who I am and who I desperately want to be. For her. When my voice fractured the silence, it carried the weight of my brokenness as I confessed my deepest fears and failures in a raw outpouring I couldn’t contain.
“I tried to be a man for you, but I’m not. I’m not a man. I’m not a god. I’m just pieces smushed together.”
My arms wrapped around her strong legs as I buried my face in her stomach. I kept my hold light, as if she was as fragile as glass.
Fingers stroked the top of my head and I shuddered under her touch.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Miranda.” I needed her forgiveness so desperately, but I didn’t deserve it. Yet I begged for it anyway.
“Shh,” she hushed, continuing to stroke the hair on my head in a soothing manner until I sagged against her.
I didn’t want to look at her face. I was too afraid to see what was there, and even more ashamed that I couldn’t bring myself to face her.
She pulled at my arm after I quieted, bringing me to my feet, but I still couldn't bring myself to look at her face.
Thankfully, she didn’t ask me. Instead, she drew me toward the back of my cage to where the light disappeared, and a hidden door lay. She pushed it open and led me down the stone steps into the rest of my enclosure.
I’d been to a zoo now, and I knew that’s exactly what this was. An enclosure like the humans had for dangerous animals.
The humid air wrapped around me like a blanket as the reflection of my stone pools shimmered off the walls. The light was low down here and my shoulders lowered as my stomach stopped clenching. My senses calmed being away from the neon lights set at the front of my cage.
She guided me over to the largest pool and stopped us before yanking her own top off.
I was still turning my head away to keep from looking at Miranda, or maybe to keep her from looking at me.
She continued to undress, then reached for my pants. They dropped to my feet.
