I want to move, I want to help her, but the monsters in my head are circling, and I can’t seem to get enough air.
“Please go,” I beg. My self-loathing is a living thing now, and it’s choking me.I’m not okay. I’m a monster. Pathetic. Worthless. Stupid. She deserves so much better than me.
There’s another whispered apology at the door, followed by her footfalls down the stairs and the click of my bedroom door closing. Safely alone, I crawl to the shower, climb inside, and collapse on the floor. The water burns my knuckles and the skin beneath my clothes, but it’s not enough. The outside doesn’t hurt enough to balance the pain inside. I scream, letting the monsters have their way with me.
Chapter 6
Callie
Pulling Nolan’s shirt over my head, I flinch from the thunk of a meaty fist hitting something solid, followed by the sharp crack of breaking glass. A sick feeling fills my belly at painful odds with my shameful yearnings.
Walking slowly to the bathroom door, I grip my hands into tight fists to fight against the racking shakes that rattle my bones. I press my ear to the door, and my heart rips in two when I hear the sound of Nolan’s pain. Everything inside me is desperate to go back to him, but his words keep me on this side of the door.
No, I don’t want this. Not with you.
Gently knocking, I apologize, “Nolan, I’m so sorry. I… It was an accident.” I pause, and when all I hear are pained, shuddering breaths, I beg, “Nolan, please, talk to me. I heard glass breaking. Please, just tell me if you’re okay.”
“Please go,” he whimpers back. His usually confident, smooth voice now sounds of broken desperation, and it shatters whatever control I had over my tears. They fall like rain down my cheeks, and a brutal self-loathing grips my heart.
He trusted me to hold the line. He did his best to give what he could to ease my own desires from the effects of the bite, and I took advantage of him. Not on purpose, my magic acting on my desperation for skin-to-skin contact, but I did it all the same. Guilt weighs like a lead ball in my stomach, and the idea of leaving him alone to fight his inner demons makes me ill, but the need for his touch pushes me to sprint away.
Give him this,I tell myself, running out of the room despite everything screaming for me to stay.I violated his trust. At least respect his wishes to leave.
It’s like a jagged knife twisting in my chest as I clumsily carry my bag, coat, and boots in my arms. The house is silent except for the slapping sounds of my feet against hardwood floors. The darkness makes the house look abandoned, which, for my fractured heart, I really hope is. I don’t think I could face Nolan’s parents after what I’ve done to their son.
He doesn’t want you anymore, the insidious voice in my head whispers.He’ll never want you now. He can’t trust you. You can’t trust yourself.
I make it outside without running into anyone, and the ground is a biting cold against my bare feet, but I can’t stop to put my boots on. Each step I take away from him hurts more than the one before, which means I’m not safe to be near him. I fear I’ve already broken something that can’t be mended.
Throwing my stuff into the back of Mildred’s black Mercedes, I hop into the driver’s seat, the leather seats slippery against the jersey material of the exercise shorts. The sensation makes me acutely aware of my nakedness under these two pieces of clothing. Beneath my guilt and panic, my body still burns with need, and I’m ashamed of my own arousal.
“Stop it!” I tell myself, gripping the steering wheel hard. “Stop wanting him. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop crying. You don’t have the right to cry.”
But the tears won’t stop, and this feeling inside won’t let go.
Squeezing my thighs tightly together, I press the button to start the car. The engine revs to life, and heat blasts from the vents, still on the highest setting from my speedy journey over here. The pedals feel coarse on the soles of my feet. Violently, I twist the knob to turn off the fans. There’s too much sensory stimulation for my oversensitive body. The pleasure has turned to painful longing.
Not knowing what else to do, I drive away, the wheels chirping from the speed of my departure. The bare trees line the winding lane away from the Campbell estate, and as I reach the gate to leave, I don’t know where to go. Nolan’s bites seemed far more potent than before, not that I’ve experienced more than one bite at a time, and my skin tingles for contact. An ache blooms between my thighs, and I feel a little like I’m losing my mind. So this is what other people feel when they are bitten. How does Donovan handle this on the regular?
He doesn’t need to leave, my mind offers up cruelly.
I drive aimlessly, so busy forcing myself to get farther away that I’m completely lost on where to go.Can’t go back to Mei’s. Can’t let her see me like this.Home?Imagining my empty house with me burning in desperation inside, scared and alone with what I’ve done, I cry so hard that I have to pull over.
The dark encompasses the lonely road, parts of the massive forest beyond only visible from the beams of my headlights. Partially shutting the car off because I’m too scared to be in full darkness, I curl into a small ball and rock side to side. My great, shuddering sobs turn to ear-splitting screams because everything hurts. I want to rip my skin from my body to stop the yearning for Nolan’s touch, while at the same time, I want to race back to him and beg for him to hold me.Make it stop, please!But it doesn’t because the pain is more than skin deep. It’s my heart and soul breaking into little pieces, all the sharp points stabbing the weakest parts of me.
Nolan offered you friendship. You paid it back with betrayal. He will never love you. None of them will when they find out. You deserve to suffer alone.
My throat is soon raw, and I feel more and more light-headed. No matter how much I gasp for air, there doesn’t seem to be enough. I quickly roll down the window, hoping for the cold outside air to ease my throat and burning skin, but winter has fallen prey to my magic which I’m too weak to control. Now, it’s as warm as bathwater and just as muggy. Heat lightning shatters the black, velvet night, my suffering manifesting as a white strike against the stars.
Less than a minute later, my phone buzzes within my backpack. With a thundering heart and shaky hands, I retrieve it, terrified of who is on the other side. Which one of my loved ones will learn of my shame tonight?
Connor’s name lights up the screen, and with a quivering voice, I answer it, “Hello?”
There’s a sound of sneezing before Connor’s low, concerned voice fills my ear. “Reina,what do you need?”
I’m surprised that he doesn’t ask what’s wrong, that he requires no explanation for what my magic has done. His first priority is my well-being. It immediately quiets some of the scathing voices in my head.
“I don’t want to be alone,” I confess, using the sleeve of Nolan’s shirt to wipe away my tears.
