“Right,” I squeak, and then commence to chew on my lip. All that I have to say seems to be traffic jammed in my throat, and it’s becoming hard to breathe.
Nolan frowns, his straight blond brows crowding in the middle of his face. Without looking up from the bag, he chokes out, “Callie, I’m sorry.”
“For what?” I squawk, both shocked and hurt that this is the second time he’s called me just my name. Not “Callie love” or those few times when we were alone and he simply called me “love.”
“What do you mean, for what?” His pale blue eyes drown with guilt as he finally looks into mine. “The way I acted that night. What I said. How I treated you when this wasn’t your fault.” He shakes the bag to illustrate what he means bythis. “I pushed you too far, then threw you out of my house for reacting exactly as the bite is designed to make you feel.”
He turns away, stalking to the workbench that lines the back wall of the garage. After putting the bag down, he grips the edge of the wooden bench, his back and arm muscles bulging and flexing under the strain.
Before I can find any words to respond, he continues while dropping his head in shame. “The cruelest thing a vampire can do to the person he’s feeding from is to bite and then abandon them, leaving them alone to deal with the side effects. Depending how many times the person has been bitten, they can go insane from the strain and desperation that’s caused by being without them. It’s not just about sex. There’s a need for skinship and connection. Not that I need to explain that to you.”
My mind travels to the memories of going to Connor that night. Through the power of the bond, he knew exactly how to soothe me. And yes, it was more than sexual desire. He made me feel connected and safe, turning something scary into something beautiful.
Moving to stand next to him, I lean my back against the workbench about a foot away from him, unsure if my touch would be welcome. Carefully, I wade through what to say, terrified one wrong word will destroy everything. “What happened that night wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything different than you had before until I made our clothes disappear. I really didn’t mean to do it, but it happened because of my magic. I convinced you to feed from me, I promised you could trust me, and then I broke that trust. You gave me clear boundaries, and I crossed them.” Tears gather in my eyes, hovering on my lashes. My apology is wet with the emotions I’m trying and failing to control. “I’m sorry, Nolan. I am so, so, so sorry.”
He releases the edge to place his palms flat against the surface of the well-worn wood. “I can’t say it’s okay, because… because I’m not okay. I don’t blame you, but I still feel…”
“Violated?” I whisper, trying desperately to keep my aching heart in check. He hates it when I cry, and I don’t want him to bury his feelings to make things easier for me. He deserves better than that.
“It’s more than that… or different than that.” He huffs with frustration, and his gaze is fixated on his hands. His voice is soft and difficult to hear over the low music. “There’s something wrong with me, something broken, and I… I think it might be best if we stopped. That I stopped feeding from you.”
My heart cracks in two, and I’m surprised there isn’t a pool of blood around us. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” I insist, tears raining unchecked down my face, “but I think you’re right. We can’t keep going as we are.”
His head snaps up, and despite what he said, there’s hurt and confusion in his eyes. His face is gaunt and damp, his own tears no longer hidden from me. “Good.” He pushes the word out through gritted teeth.
Hating how it feels like we’re digging a chasm between us even though we’re standing next to each other, I slowly reach out and touch his wrist. He freezes but doesn’t pull away, and I’m shocked by how cold his skin feels despite how warm it is in the garage.
“It’s not for the reasons you’re thinking,” I murmur, feeling slightly bolder when I notice he’s wearing the bracelet I made on his other wrist.It’s now or never.It takes all my courage just to say the words, so I close my eyes before I confess, “I love you, Nolan.”
His pulse jumps under my touch, and before he can deny my feelings, I hurriedly blurt, “It’s not because of the bite. I love you because you’re kind and generous and compassionate. I know you don’t think you are, but youareall those things and more. You care so much about the people in your life, and you show it in all of these amazing little ways. Making sure Felix had something entertaining to watch at night. Telling Connor it was okay to shift into his wolf for the flight out to Arizona.” Finally, I open my eyes, and despite my whole body shaking with nerves, I finish with my gaze locked on his face. “Holding me while I slept to protect me from my nightmares. I love you because you are an amazing person. Inside and out.”
Nolan doesn’t look happy with my confession. Instead, his expression is one of soul-ripping pain, and it takes me a moment to realize he’s shaking as badly as I am.
As what little hope I had shrivels up inside me, I get out the rest of what I’ve come here to say. “So because of how I feel, I can’t keep feeding you. My magic is still unpredictable, and I’ve come to learn that I’m not someone who can live in the gray. Unless we’re officially more than friends, it hurts too much to be intimate with you without being able to be honest about how I feel. I don’t want what happened that night to happen again.” In a sad attempt at humor, I add, “You know, except in instances where magicking our clothes away into a pocket dimension would be considered a good thing.”
I hold my breath, waiting for the letdown, the disappointment as he chooses his words carefully and I’m officially lumped in with all the others who chase after him. To my utter shock, he whips around and grabs me, pulls me tightly into his arms, and crowds me against the workbench. My head rests against his chest, and I can hear his heartbeat pounding wildly against my ear. Thanks to working on the car, he smells of grease and sweat, and I don’t know what to do with myself as something primal in me itches to put my lips to his neck and run my nails down his back.Down girl. This is not the time to indulge your ever-increasing libido.
“Damn it, Callie,” he curses into my hair. “You are the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Considering some of the things that have happened to him, I don’t know how to take this, so I wrap my arms around him and decide to savor this moment in case it’s the last time. It’s another slash against my heart when he again doesn’t call me “love.” Logically, I know that isn’t a word that should be thrown around casually at the moment, but right now, I desperately want to hear it. Even if he doesn’t feel it, that stupid endearment makes me feel special. It makes me feel like I belong and that he still cares about me.
Sliding a hand up my back, he reaches for my face, pulling back so he can rest his forehead against mine. His nose brushes mine, and his warm breaths feather against my lips. This right here is why I can’t let him feed from me anymore. Everything inside me is screaming to close the distance and kiss him. To pour out my feelings and paint them on his skin so he may know my heart by more than the frustrated words of a tongue-tied girl.
“Part of me wants to drown in you,” he confesses, his hand moving from my face to the back of my neck, his fingers digging into my flesh. “And you to drown in me. That part of me remembers the sweet taste of your mouth, the sounds of your breathless moans, and the warmth of your touch.”
I press my lips tightly together, fighting to keep still, because despite what I said, we’re in the exact same place again—him touching me while I wrestle with control, unsure what he wants from me.
His voice drops low, and the smooth ribbons of sound ignite my whole body. “What happened that night… the problem wasn’t that I didn’t want you. It was that I did… that I do… want you. Feeling you naked and ready against me, I wanted you, and I didn’t care that you were under the influence of the bite. That it would have been your first time.” His voice begins to shake, desperation morphing his words into something dark and dangerous. “Callie, I wanted to fuck you so badly. Not in the sweet, romantic way you deserve, but in the way that claims souls and leaves scratches in its wake.”
It’s a good thing he has me pressed against the workbench, because my legs have turned to water. It’s only by the grace of Nolan’s body and the wood biting into my back that I’m still upright. If this is his attempt to convince me to let him go, he is doing a really terrible job of it.
“And now?” I whisper with an undeniable quiver of longing in my voice. “What do you want now?”
“The same,” he admits softly, the only soft thing about him at the moment, and I swear I’ll combust into flames if he doesn’t kiss me. “Wanting you has never been the problem.”
Then kiss me, damn it!my mind screams while lust howls in my ears. I may not be ready for sex, but there’s a lot that can be done before we get there, and I’m really in the mood to try some of it.
I have to swallow a couple of times before I’m able to ask, “Then whatisthe problem?”
