A bark of laughter escapes me before I can catch it. “I’ve… uh, certainly been confused.” Shoving some of the awkwardness down, I focus on Nolan. “Yeah, it’s been a lot, but seeing your best friend inhabit your dead ex’s body is also a lot.” My eyes narrow with accusation. “You’ve been handling all of this on your own, haven’t you?”
He doesn’t look at me when he silently nods.
“That’s what I thought.” It takes all my power not to shake him, as if the act itself would cause all the shit he keeps to himself to tumble out. “You didn’t need to keep this from meor the others. We’re your friends, dude. Lean on us when you’re dealing with stuff.” I huff out an awkward laugh. “Okay, I get not wanting to talk to me since I’m wearing the face of the guy you’re mourning, but the others?”
An amused smile curls his lips as he drops his elbow on the table and rests his head in his hand. “And who would you recommend I talk to?”
“Kaleb? Processing death is literally his thing,” I supply without hesitation.
“He was also the one who helped James cross over so you could have a body,” Nolan reminds me with a raised brow. “I’m sure my issues wouldn’t make his already complicated feelings on the matter worse.”
“Connor?” I offer next, determined to make my point.
“I’ll give you that he’d listen,” Nolan agrees, except I can feel the “but” coming. “I don’t know how much advice he’d give, assuming he’d even have time, considering all the alpha shit he has to do now.”
Removing my hand from his shoulder, I cross my arms and think. “Donovan?”
He just stares at me, waiting for me to put together why that might be a bad idea.
“He’d tell you to suck it up and talk to me,” I state with a sigh. “Okay, what about Callie? She’s smart, compassionate, and wouldn’t get jealous or anything.”
“You mean the person who resurrected you into James’s body, and therefore is directly involved in why I’m in this position in the first place?” His expression is amused as he waits for my counter argument.
I huff and throw my hands up in the air. “Okay, I get it. Even so, you aren’t responsible for our feelings. It’s our job to get over ourselves enough to help you.”
Nolan laughs as he rubs my back with his free hand. “It’s okay, man. Really. I’ve processed. Even though you look like James, five minutes with you is more than enough time for me to see you instead. In my mind, when I look at you, I just see you, Felix.”
“That’s good,” I reply, rubbing the back of my neck while my stomach does a small somersault over his affectionate touch.
He clocks the gesture and narrows his eyes. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“What? I… don’t… I mean, I’m not…” I stammer, my cheeks feeling like they are on fire, as my not-so-friend-like feelings for him come barreling to the forefront of my mind.
“You’re rubbing your neck and blushing,” he points out, his hand still firmly on my back. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so affected… or why he has to smell so good, his spicy cologne doing very unhelpful things to me. He leans into my line of sight when I start to examine the pen in front of me with way too much focus. “Spill it.”
I try to sound normal, but my voice comes out thin and reedy, while my fingers drum against the table. “Because I’m such a good friend, I’m not going to point out how hypocritical it is to demand I talk when you kept things from me.”
A wry smile that is definitely not attractive curls his lips. “That’s very magnanimous of you.”
“Oh, nice SAT word,” I praise, hoping to distract him.
“Felix.” He says my name in thatI’m not going to drop thistone that I’m pretty sure he picked up from Callie.
Unable to confess with him so close, I escape my chair and flee to the open space behind the couch. “It’s not a big deal,” I reply in an awkward attempt at casualness that sounds fake to my own ears. “I just… um… sometimes see certain people… certain guy people… and, uh, think they are… hot.”
Nolan relaxes back into his chair and rests his hands in his lap. “Am I one of these certain guy people?”
Examining my shoes for very important, not at all to avoid looking at Nolan, reasons, I mumble, “Yes.”
“And this worries you?” he asks gently.
“Yes. No. Sort of,” I ramble. My brain turns into a muddled mess as I try to explain. “The thing is… James was bisexual. Totally cool, nothing wrong with that.” I start to pace, my hands swishing in the air as I talk. “But now, I’m James, and I have these feelings, but I don’t know if they are my feelings or if this is because my body was into dudes before I took over.” I stop and frown at the windows that are letting in the remaining slivers of afternoon sunlight before it disappears behind the trees. “There was also the time I was in Callie’s dream about all of us. I was me, and she straddled my lap. You came over and kissed her. I, uh, liked that.” I stuff my hands in my pockets, my shoulders drooping. “I don’t know if that means anything.”
Nolan startles me when he responds next to me, since I completely missed that he walked over. “I don’t think it matters why you feel the way you do.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders, causing my heart to jump a bit. I refuse to move, because he’s my best friend and I’m not going to make this weird. Unaware of my internal struggle—or choosing to ignore it—he continues, “This shit is confusing and complicated enough without trying to figure out why you feel it in the first place. Everyone wants sexuality to fit in neat little boxes, but it’s aspectrum. Labels are just words to try to explain what we feel. It’s not a rulebook on how you have to be.”
“So what you’re saying is that it doesn’t matter if it was the bi-chicken or the bi-egg that came first,” I respond, some of the tension draining from my body. “All that matters is what I feel now.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m saying,” he replies, his smile evident in his voice. “And what do you feel right now?”
