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His eyes widen. “Everything everything?”
“Everything.” I take another sip of water just to cope with that thought.
“Even the ki—”
“Even that,” I interrupt.
“But why?”
“Because she deserved to know everything.”
“And you trust her with all that information?” he asks.
“With my life,” I say. “And if she calls the cops … well, I don’t even care.”
He coughs. “Would she, though?”
“You never know.” I shrug. “Not that it matters.”
“Right.” He nods slowly. “Well, whatever reasons you had for telling her and then releasing her … I’m still proud of you.”
“Oh, save it,” I groan, finishing my drink. “Another one!” I call out to the bartender.
“You should be proud of yourself too. You did something not even you considered a possibility.”
“And I lost her in the process.”
“You didn’t let her go freely?”
“She demanded to be let out. How could I not oblige?” I say with a deadly grin, which disappears instantly because it was meaningless. Just like my life.
“You gave her what she wanted,” he says. It’s not a question.
“Yep,” I say, drawing circles on the wood with just my index finger while trying not to lose my mind.
It’s quiet for some time again, and we both drink our water in peace. It doesn’t quite match up to the alcohol from before, but I get what he’s doing. He’s trying to keep me alive, and I appreciate that even though I don’t see the point.
“You’re not going to leave me alone, are you?” I ask.
“Nope.”
I shake my head, snorting.
Of course, that’s the kind of friend he is. Never let down someone in need. Even when he hates you for it.
But what about her? Did I let her down in need? Or did I finally give her what she needed the most? Even if she hates me for it?
I wonder where she is right now. If she’s doing what she’s always wanted. If she’s happy.
If she can feel only a fragment more than what she felt when she was with me, then that’s enough for me.
I can live with her not being near me as long as she’s alive.
As long as she finds what she’s looking for in life.
Because I’ll never find it again. That, I’m sure of.
It was only when I lost her that I realized just how much she really meant to me. How much she’s seeped into my soul and still lingers there.
I love her.
And that’s why I let her go.
“If it’s killing you that much, why didn’t you convince her to stay?” Brandon asks.
I slam my fist on the bar. “Don’t you think I tried?”
Now everyone’s looking at me. I clear my throat and add, “Sorry.” And we wait until everyone in the room settles down again.
“I’ll never see her again …” I mutter, gazing at the glass of water in front of me.
“Not if you don’t try to win her back,” Brandon says.
I snort. “Win her back? After everything I said?”
“Why not? If you love her … And you clearly do, looking at how fucked up you are right now.”
I shake my head, but when I open my mouth, I can’t think of the words to say to refute him.
Because that’s just the thing … I can’t.
He’s absolutely right.
But is that really what I should do?
It’s selfish. Arrogant.
I’m an asshole to think she’d ever want me to come get her. To ever think I deserve her in my life.
“No. She doesn’t want me.”
“How do you know?”
“You didn’t see the look on her face when I told her,” I say.
“I don’t have to. Can you see inside her mind? Maybe she was just upset. Obviously. But how do you know she doesn’t love you too?”
“How could anyone love a monster like me?” I say, frowning.
“How do you know they can’t?”
My lips part, but I grab the water and chug that down instead. “Goddammit.”
Brandon laughs. “Not everything has to be so complicated. Stop making up excuses. Just try …”
“And then what?” I growl.
He shrugs. “If she doesn’t, you’ll figure it out. But you have to at least give it a shot. Fight for her. Maybe it’ll work, you never know.” He smiles. “Besides, she’s had a taste of freedom now. She got what she wanted. I don’t think she’ll lie to you. There’s no need if you let her make her own decision.”
“Right.” I slurp down the water in one go.
“If she knows who you are … what you are … and she still accepted you … then why not?”
He makes it seem so simple, and as I nod at his words, I come to realize that it truly is that simple.
Love isn’t about questions and answers, about truths and lies, or about rights and wrongs.
It’s about how badly you want it more than anything. How crippled it makes you feel when it isn’t there. And how powerful it makes you feel when it is.
