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hicker than before. I couldn’t even see the beer tent anymore through all the bodies blocking the way.
I turned only to bump right into another body on the way. “I’m sorry,” I said, looking up to find the young man who was just singing.
“No problem. It’s my fault. I saw you watching the performance. I hope you liked it,” he said. The crowd bumped his back and he stepped forward. We were almost touching.
I glanced around. Still no Finn. “I did. I’ve never heard music like that before. I really enjoyed it. You’re a great singer.”
“Thank you. I’m PJ and I’m the Youth Minister at our church. It’s a couple of counties over but you should come visit us one Sunday. I think you’d like our service.”
I shook my head. “I like the music, but I think I’ll skip on the service for now. Thanks for the invitation though.” I went to push past him but the crowd was blocking me in.
PJ leaned down closer. He was smiling a straight white smile. He placed his hand on my arm and guided me closer, his grip light, but unwelcome. “I saw the way you looked at us. The way you looked at me. I think we could have a lot of fun. Can you sing? Music is a big part of the service and a big part of what we do at Christian Town Center. Every other Sunday we have a different...” PJ kept talking but I’d zoned him out. I wasn’t on high alert, but I wasn’t comfortable either. I just wanted to getaway and get back to Finn.
I looked around PJ for another way out but I couldn’t spot one. I’d just have to push my way through. PJ was still talking. “And then after I can take you to prayer circle where we…”
“I really have to go,” I said, pulling away one last time and trying to push through the crowd when he spun me back around by my waist.
PJ smiled. “But I haven’t told you about the youth program yet. We spread the word of…”
Suddenly the crowd parted like the red sea and Finn appeared, his nostrils flaring.
He ripped PJ’s grip from my waist and shoved him violently to the ground. Finn wrapped an arm around me possessively and guided me through the crowd that stepped out of his way as we moved through it. We walked right by Bebe’s booth where Miller and Josh momentarily stopped their arguing to watch us pass. “Oh shit,” Josh muttered.
“Finn, I’m fine,” I said, but he didn’t seem to be listening.
We were well past the crowd when Finn took out a key and opened the front door to the library which surprised me, but he didn’t give me time to question him when he pulled me inside, shut the door, and pushed me up against it, caging me in with his arms on both sides of my head.
He looked me over the same way he did after Sterling tried to assault me.
“I’m fine,” I assured him yet again. “He was just talking. The crowd made it hard to get away. You didn’t have to do that. He wasn’t trying to hurt me.”
A vein in Finn’s neck still throbbed. “I can’t lose you,” he cupped my face in his hand.
“You’re not going to lose me,” I assured him seeing pain and heartbreak in his eyes, causing my own chest to grow heavy with ache. “But this isn’t really about the singer talking to me or wanting my attention, is it?” I pressed.
Finn looked to the floor. “I just have to protect you because…”
“Then protect me, but you can’t go around shoving everyone to the ground who talks to me,” I explained. “And you have to let me live. I understand your need to protect me but you can’t prevent me from living my life.”
“Trust me, I don’t want to prevent you from living your life. That’s not what this is about.”
“Then what is this about, Finn?” I bent at the knee and ducked under Finn’s arm. I crossed the room and turned to face him. The light through the dusty windows shone on Finn’s face when he turned to face me. He looked tired.
Tormented.
“I don’t want to scare you. I’m sorry about pushing that kid. I know you don’t like violence. I never want to remind you of your father,” Finn grumbled.
The words from my mother’s letter rang through my mind as if she were next to me right there in the library, whispering the words in my ear.
I have learned in my life that there are two kinds of people. The weak and the strong. Those who are truly strong try and lift others to make them feel just as strong. Those who are weak do their best to make others feel as helpless as they do. Surround yourself with the strong.
Fall in love with the strong.
“You could never remind me of my father! He wasn’t just a controlling alcoholic who liked to use his fists more than his words.”
Finn cringed.
“My father was the devil himself, preaching down to me and my mother from a pulpit of lies. You’ve never once made me feel small or embarrassed or afraid of you. You’re absolutely nothing like my father. Not on your very worst day.”
Finn’s shoulders dropped like he was relieved to hear me say those words. But there was more. I felt it filling the space between us.
“This is about Jackie, isn’t it?” I asked.
Finn’s eyes shot up to mine.
“It is,” I confirmed without him saying a word. “You want to save me because you still feel responsible for not being able to save her. Is that it?” I took a step closer, feeling frustrated that he still blamed himself.
Finn peered down at me with a million emotions behind his beautiful blue eyes, each one more heartbreaking than the next.
“I have to protect you.” Was all he managed to say. His eyes darted to an open book on the table. I leaned over and read the chapter heading.
DEPRESSION AND GENES
HOW SUICIDE CAN BE HEREDITARY
AND WHY
I pointed to the book. “Is this what this is all about? You’re afraid I’m going to kill myself like my mother did?” I took a step forward. “Like Jackie did?”
Finn flinched.
“I don’t want to die! If I wanted to die I would have stayed under my father’s roof until he either beat the will to live out of my body or killed me himself. But I came here. Because I want to LIVE.”
Finn looked away, but I stood on my tiptoes and pulled him to face me, pressing my chest against his. “You deserve better than me,” he said, his voice a whisper.
“That’s not true,” I argued, “but even if it was true,” I brushed my lips over his, “I choose you.”
“I just don’t want to lose you. I don’t think…” he paused and cupped my face in both of his hands. “I don’t think I could survive that again.”
We were so close we were breathing each other in. Feeling each other’s anguish. Hurt. Pain.
“I don’t want you mistaking your guilt over what happened to Jackie with whatever this is between us,” I said. “Jackie was important to you, Finn. It’s okay to talk about her. It’s okay to talk about her with me. It’s okay to still love her, but don’t let how you feel about her confuse how you feel about me because I’m not her. Sure, I’ve been hurt, but I’m not depressed. I’m stronger for what I’ve been through. I’m stronger because of you.”
Finn’s hands dropped from my face and skated down my arms.
“I’m not a ghost and I won’t compete with one. It’s not possible.” I pulled away and took a few steps back, needing space to think. To breathe.
“Whatever this is?” Finn asked, too calmly. Too quietly. He came up behind me, spun me around and walked me backward until my butt was against a table and I had no choice but to prop myself up and sit on it so I wouldn’t be crushed against it.
“Whatever this is, makes my heart beat fast and my mind race,” Finn growled. “Whatever this is has me questioning how and why someone like you came into my life. You’re beautiful, Sawyer, inside and out. You shine like the fucking sun. You’re innocent and warm and bright and everything good in this world. You brighten something in my heart that’s been broken and dark for a very long time.” He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me against him. “Do I still feel guilty about Jackie? Yes, I do. But sinc
e I met you the
