We stare at each other across the table, and I wonder how our evening ended up so horribly wrong. As much as I wanted to share my revelations with him, something holds me back. I still barely know the man. What if I can’t trust him? In some ways, I wish I could have remained in my innocent little bubble instead of feeling like I now have to carry the weight of our realm on my shoulders.
Kian rises from his seat, throwing his napkin onto the table. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
An ache burns in my chest. Where is he going? Who is he going to be spending time with? Do I even have a right to ask?
“Okay,” I respond meekly. I don’t have it in me to ask for more. It will only hurt.
Chapter Thirty
KIAN
Icrash onto the settee in Alex’s rooms, groaning loudly. The Shadow was sloppy tonight, my argument with Raelyn from days ago still ruminating, distracting me.
Alex throws a damp towel at me. “The least you can do is wipe the blood off before you ruin my settee permanently.”
“Shit. Sorry, Alex.” I sit up and clean my face before rubbing the towel along my arms and hands, trying to get all the dirt and blood off.
“Don’t you think we’ve done enough for a few days?” he asks as he pours me a drink and brings it over. He collapses onto the leather chair next to me, knocking back a drink of his own. “You’ve been running us both ragged. I don’t think I’ve had a decent night’s sleep since before you got married.”
I take a sip of the amber liquid and relish the burn as it slides down my throat. “Sorry for continuing to drag you into this. I just—I need to do something, and sleeping in my wing is obviously not an option.”
Alex snorts. “Says you. I see the way she looks at you. I bet she’d happily invite you back to her bed.”
I don’t know what I’d do if I found myself waking up with her in my arms again, not that she’d welcome me. Well, that, and I couldn’t very well show up battered and bloodied in the middle of the night after one of my escapades.
“That wasn’t our agreement, and clearly, she thinks I’m just as much a waste of space as my father does.”
“So instead of figuring things out with your wife, you’re staying out all hours of the night, getting beat up by the extra guards your father has put on every single caravan and shipment coming our way? Sounds rational.”
I shake my head and drain my glass. “Never said it was rational. At this rate, she probably thinks I have an entire group of women I’m spending all my time with instead of her.”
“Why don’t you just tell her about your work as the Shadow?” Alex asks. “Surely she would keep your secret, especially with you keeping hers about her questionable parentage. It’s mutually assured destruction—beneficial to you both not to share.”
“As if I would share her secret with my father.”
Alex shrugs. “I just think she’s cleverer than you think. Better you come clean before she finds out for herself how you actually spend your evenings.”
“But once again, Alex, need I remind you that her knowing also puts her in danger? It’s bad enough that you know what’s going on. I’m just hoping you’re a good enough liar if I ever do get caught.”
“You care about her,” Alex says matter-of-factly.
Maybe I do. Maybe I always have.
“Did I ever tell you that I knew her before this season?” I say miserably. “And for some reason, she doesn’t remember.”
“What are you talking about?” Alex frowns as he pours me another drink.
“I have met her many times over the years, and every time, she forgets me.”
Alex laughs. “How is that even possible?”
I shrug. “I wish I knew. There’s something about her . . . I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know there are things she’s not telling me.”
“Have you asked her?”
“No.”
“Of course you haven’t. Don’t you know that communication is an important skill in relationships?”
