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Is this a deal-breaker question? Will my answer put a chink in our relationship? And I wonder if that’s the purpose of these cards: to make sure I’m the perfect man for Jane.
I go cold. Colder than the already frigid-ass room.
Jane shifts her weight uneasily.
She can’t read me. I’m suddenly a fortress unwilling to be unlocked, and I’m aware that’s the opposite intent of Truth or Dare.
Jane addresses her brother, “I haven’t seen any of the tapes. Nor do I ever want to.”
Charlie cocks his head. “You never stumbled on one?”
She gapes. “Have you?”
“A thumbnail,” Charlie admits. “I didn’t click into it. I’m not that much of a fucking masochist.”
I’m not either, but things were different when I was a teenager.
I didn’t know the Hales, Meadows, and Cobalts.
I didn’t know her.
Charlie sizes me up. “And?”
Jane frowns. “Thatcher?”
“I didn’t go looking for it,” I explain, my voice void of emotion. “Guys in my unit were playing a clip. I saw maybe three minutes.” I can barely even remember the images in my head. It was just another porno that my platoon laughed at or jerked off to. It didn’t mean anything then.
Her jaw is unhinged. Completely fucking shocked. “You didn’t…”
“I did,” I say again.
“Oh my God.” She cringes, fingers steepled to her lips. “You’ve seen my parents having sex.”
I grimace. “Yeah.”
I think she already believed I’d never watch one of their porn tapes. Because the man I am now would never. But I was eighteen. I was just a kid, and I didn’t know then what I know now.
“You didn’t look away?” she asks, confusion and hurt cinching her eyes.
I’m hurting her, and it’s like stepping across broken glass, rolling around in it, willfully slicing and tearing apart my flesh.
“I didn’t look away,” I confirm. “I was eighteen. Back then, it was just porn to me.”
Deep wrinkles crease her forehead in a frown, and she shakes her head. “But you knew how their sex tapes came about. They didn’t consent to have them taken. They were illegally filmed and leaked online.”
My throat feels like sandpaper. “I didn’t know that until I started working for your families. Honestly, I didn’t know much about your parents except the basics.”
She’s quiet, and I think she’s just in her head.
But goddammit, I feel like I’m fucking this up. So I fight to say more. “It probably seems like common sense—that if someone knows about those sex tapes, they must know how they originated. But the un-fucking-fortunate truth is, people didn’t care about those details enough to share them.”
Charlie plays a dramatic song on the piano while eyeing me. Having a third-party witnessing my inability to speak is just the cherry on top of this shit pie.
Jane lets out a breath, shoulders dropping. “I understand.” She nods. “It’d be wildly self-absorbed to think that everyone knows every little thing about my family. Most people aren’t doing deep-dive wiki searches on Rose and Connor Cobalt.” She nods again, certain about this.
“Did you get off on it?” Charlie suddenly asks.
Jane chokes on a noise. “Charlie!”
“It’s porn, Jane. It’s there to arouse. I’m just asking what our brothers would want to know for the sake of this game.”
“For the sake of your own curiosity,” Jane counters.
“That too.” Charlie is unabashed.
I run my fingers through my hair. “No, I didn’t jerk off to it.”
“Because there were other people in the room?” Charlie asks.
Jane groans and flashes me an apologetic look.
I’m fine, honey. “Because I didn’t. It was ten years ago. If you want to know if I was hard, I don’t remember. Is that good enough?”
“I’m satisfied with your answer, if Jane is.”
“I’m highly satisfied, thank you,” she says without hesitation. She’s what I care most about, and she gives me an assured nod.
I didn’t completely fuck this into the ground. That’s something.
“One more.” Charlie nods towards the cards.
I pick the last one and I silently read the words.
Take three nudes and send them to Jane.
Unholy fucking shit.
“Charlie, he can’t do this,” Jane says after reading the card in my grip.
I can.
I will.
I’m not worried about me. I’m concerned about her. She can’t join me in this. Not a fucking chance. Her brothers might have thought twice about this card, had they known she’d be a part of the game.
Charlie’s shoulders rise in an apathetic shrug. “Then he loses.”
“I’m doing it.” Resoluteness bleeds from every word.
“What?” Her lips part, eyes widening tenfold. “You want to?”
“I’m happy to send you nudes of myself. It’s not a problem.”
“You’re certain?” She’s in a daze, disbelieving.
“Yeah.” It’s easy for me. I meant what I told her on tour—when my bare ass and the nickname jockstrap circulated online and on entertainment TV. I didn’t care.
I was just glad it didn’t happen to her.
She smiles but as her turn to make a decision approaches, her lips falter and flat-line.
I wait for Jane to tell me that this is something she absolutely can’t do. Can’t fathom. We just went through a whole discussion about her parent’s sex tapes, ones that were leaked online. I know Jane’s feelings about nudes.
I know she wouldn’t dare. Not for a second. Because as soon as there are naked photos of her on any device, she’s created a probability where they could be leaked. No matter how small that probability, it’s always been too great a risk for her.
I know that.
I’ve heard those words verbatim from her lips to my ears.
She was my client.
She is my girlfriend.
So right now, Jane lifts her chin and eyes on my eyes, she tells me, “I’ll do it, too.”
I bite down too hard and break the toothpick in half.
31
JANE COBALT
3 Days Snowed-In
Thatcher spits out his broken toothpick.
If he’s willing to shed his clothes and take nudes, then I surely can do the same. We’re equals.
Right?
I’m frozen. Collarbones jutted out, eyes perilously big. I imagine bracing the
weather outside would feel better than my iced-over bewilderment.
Thatcher is looking at me like I’m a book he can no longer read. Missing pages and smudged font. His own confusion draws his brows together. “I must not have heard you right.”
I word-vomit. “I’m going to do it too.” Every syllable is a stab to my own heart.
“Jane—”
“I understand the consequences.” We’re equals. I can do this for him. For us. I clear my swollen throat.
Charlie has been playing obscure piano pieces, until now. He switches to Chopin, the romantic melody often accompanied with waltzes. He’s poking fun since Thatcher and I are more at odds with each other.
I want to be unconcerned about my brother, but he’ll voice his opinion—whether on my side or not. He’s just biding his time.
Thatcher never breaks my gaze. “I’d like to go over the consequences one more time before you make this decision.”
“That’s fair.” I face him more, but I’m careful of our distance. Tony is still loitering outside the parlor door. “And it’s simple really. If we both take nudes, then there’s a fraction of a chance they could be leaked online.” Easy enough, Jane.
Right?
Right.
His forehead wrinkles in heavier concern. “And…” He waits for me to keep going.
“And we’ll both have nudes online. Simply that.” I weave my arms over my body.
Confidence. I scrounge for more.
“You’re not that daft,” Charlie butts in.
“What do you want me to say, Charlie?” I question. “That men will masturbate to naked pictures of me? That people will jeer? That I will be critiqued and criticized from my areola size down to my pubic hair. I understand. All of it.” Tears threaten to rise and knives wedge between my ribs. Every breath tight.
I can do this.
I can.
I can.
Can I?
Charlie bangs keys with twice as much agitation.
I spin back to my boyfriend.
He’s locked down, walled up. He’s now the book I can no longer read.
“Why don’t you care about those consequences for yourself?” I question. “Fans are just as likely to spread your dick over the internet and jack off to the photos.”
