Almost.
"Well, if you change your mind, let me know. Maybe Tenley can be like a mother's helper with Paisley or something. She's twelve and has matured a lot over the past four years."
"Tenley is my favorite. The way she put Callie Smalls in her place—she had bigger balls at eight than most people have in a lifetime."
"Yeah, but Callie and Asher are killing it in their design business. If Tenley hadn't spoken to her like she did, I don't think Callie would have accepted the role as stylist rather than designer."
"I saw some of their stuff in Bergdorf's. It's crazy. Callie's in Bergdorf's, you're writing an album for Sony Music, and I'm going to Gymboree and singing karaoke."
This isnotwhere I saw my life going.
"I hear you. All the while you were jet setting and clubbing and walking the red carpet, I was changing diapers and pushing a grocery cart. I thought if I didn't talk about my past, it wouldn't matter. I was supposed to be happy being a wife and mother."
"Were you?" I know the answer to this, but I need to hear Mandy say it.
"No, of course not." She snorts. "Did you see me when we first reunited? I'd spent years eating my feelings—and the feelings of every neighbor on the block. I mean, I love being a mother. It's what I always wanted." She pauses. "At least it's what I thought I always wanted."
I get up and walk out to the kitchen so Paisley can't overhear. "But it's not enough, just being a mom."
Mandy's silence affirms my comment.
"So now what do I do?" I really need her to tell me this. I need someone to tell me what to do.
"I don't know what to tell you, Tab. You have to find that balance for yourself. You can't devote every single second of every single day for the next fifteen years to Paisley. It's okay to give up a lot for her, but you have to keep a little piece for yourself. Because when she's grown and flown, who will you be? You won't have yourself. You have to be true to who you really are."
"That's the kicker, Mandy. I don't even know. I'd say I want to be famous again, because you know how I love that attention."
Mandy laughs. "I know you do. But you also know that kind of attention is good and bad."
"Being alone is bad."
"And you know it's possible to be lonely in a crowd of people."
Isn't that the truth? That first day, when I'd said goodbye to Paisley and was wandering around, lost in Manhattan, I'd never felt more alone. Thinking about that makes me think about meeting Henderson, which brings me back full-circle to the reason why Mandy called in the first place. I stand at the kitchen island, watching my daughter across the open space.
"Wouldn't it be so funny if I ended up doing a show at The Edison? I mean, theater was always Angie's thing, but I could probably do it. Maybe." I've never been one to let unrealistic expectations get in my way. It's how I ended up being a Sassy Cat—as well as sleeping with the number one actor in Hollywood—in the first place. If I want something, I just do it.
"I'm being selfish, but I'd love it if you did. Just so I can see you some more."
My heart pangs, missing my friend who's always been like a sister—and mother—to me. "But really? I don't know if it's my thing. Hell, I don't even know what my thing is anymore." The truth of that hits me like a ton of bricks.
I have no thing. There's nothing I'm good at. Nothing I'm qualified to do.
Mandy can hear the desperation and sadness in my voice. "You're lost, Tabby. You need to find yourself."
Mandy's words are an arrow shooting straight at my heart. She's so wise. I wonder where she learned to be like this. "I seriously don't know how to be a good mother. I'm too afraid I'll end up being just like my mom." When I was younger, I thought my mom was so cool. She didn't make me do homework or care if I skipped school. It was acceptable to drink and smoke and have boys over.
I mean, I turned out fine, but I don't think that was because of her.
"Tab, would your mom have left a guy to come running to you? Would she have whisked you across the country to see the best plastic surgeon money can buy just so you didn't have a scar?"
"My mom couldn't even be bothered to attend parent-teacher conferences, so I don't think so."
"My mom neither."
I think her mother and my mother were cut from the same cloth, and yet Mandy went on to be Martha Stewart. I'm more like a reality TV show train wreck.
I think for a minute. "So how did you learn to be so good? I mean, I know the boys are hellions and all, but we'll just blame all those traits on your asshole ex."
