Safe in the dark vehicle, as we’re zipping up 495, I do something very un-Rachel-like.I channel my inner Richie."I don’t want to be friends.I want more.I want my cake."There it is.I drop it like a bomb—and then immediately want to vomit.He’s made his feelings about my upchucking in his car very clear, so I know it would be a dealbreaker.
Tyler stares straight ahead, his fingers tightening on the wheel.The SUV swerves, almost imperceptibly, which is his only tell that this has thrown him.Oh shit.What have I done?He doesn’t want more.I promised him, and now I’m breaking my promise.I’m no better than my mother.
Shit.
My good mood is instantly gone as I quickly descend into the shame spiral.Hello darkness, my old friend.
I have to fix this.Quickly, I say, "I’ll get over it.Don’t worry.Forget I ever said anything.I’d be horrible for your image.Your views and traction would tank because of me and my job.I couldn’t do that to you.We can just be friends, but you can’t kiss me anymore then.Not even for show.I’ll pay for regular tickets.I can’t handle the flirting and the touching and the kissing.It makes me want more, and I’m okay if you don’t want more.I’ll get over you.Just give me time."
Why, why, why did I think blurting something like that would be a good idea?I’m not impulsive.This is a terrible time to develop the trait that so irritated me about my sister.Jesus, what if she’s possessing me?Or, more likely, what if I have a brain tumor too?
I know neither is true, and it’s simply me, making a disaster of my life after I finally felt happiness for all of thirty seconds.
You don’t get yourself into these kinds of messes when you are home, by yourself, with a good book.You can cringe with second-hand embarrassment from the character’s idiotic actions, but you’re never the one acting like an idiot.
He pulls into my parking lot and shuts the SUV off.I wait for a moment for him to say something—anything—but he sits there, still and staring straight ahead.
"I’m sorry I said anything.I didn’t mean to fall for you.If it’s any consolation, I think my feelings would have developed even if we didn’t spend the night together.I flew across the country for you."
"You flew across the country foryou," he corrects."It was something you needed."
"And now you’re something I need."My words hang in the darkness.He doesn’t have to respond.I get the message loud and clear.
My hand is on the handle, I’m a millisecond away from jumping out of the vehicle and never looking back when he says, "It’s not you, it’s me."
His words confirm my deepest, darkest fear.It’s what one says when it is most definitely you.My initial instincts to never leave my house again were the right ones.Putting myself out there only leads to rejection.Again.When will I learn that no one will stay with me?There’s something inherently lacking in me that’s completely unlovable.I wish someday someone would tell me what it is.
My eyes burn with tears, and the lump in my throat is so thick I feel as if I can barely breathe.
He puts his hand on my arm, as if he knows I’m going to run away and never look back."Rach, I mean that.I … I’m not ready to give you what you need.I’m too messed up still.I want to, but I don’t want to hurt you because I’m a train wreck."
"You’re the train wreck?Your life is perfect," I spit at him.No wonder he doesn’t want me.He has impossible standards that I must fall quite short of.Silly me for dreaming.
He rakes his fingers through his hair, slamming his head back against the headrest."Rachel, there’s no such thing as perfect.I live every day with the thought that the next practice or game could be my last, and then what?I have no marketable skills.It’s not like I have what it takes to work in the front office.I’m not polished or smooth enough to be on air for one of the networks, plus, do you know how steep the competition is for that?All I can do is take my shirt off and pretend to know how to cook.But when it’s not my job to be physically fit, I doubt people will still tune in.Then what?What do I do?There’s an expiration date on both my looks and my skill, and we all know it’s sooner rather than later.You see what Joey looks like, and he’s only five years older than I am.When I don’t have those things, what am I good for?How am I going to provide a life for you?"
My mouth opens and then closes.I try to make sense of his words."I never asked you to provide a life for me."The tears that have been stinging the backs of my eyes make their way forward and spill down my face.
"It’s tempting to want more.Because I do.But I’m not ready yet.And, frankly, neither are you.Because when this happens, I will never ever want to let you go.So, when this happens, I want the best version of myself to be there for you.And don’t take this the wrong way, but I want the best version of you for me.So let’s slow this down, work on ourselves, and get our shit together before we do anything stupid."
I want to tell him his words make sense.I want to reassure him he’s not stupid.I want to beg him to reconsider so we can grow together.Instead, I hop out of the SUV and run inside, never once looking back.
Once safely behind the door of my apartment, I slide to the floor, the tears flowing freely.I yell at the ceiling, "This is all your fault!"Once again, my sister doesn’t answer.
I’m right back to where I started.
Chapter 34: TJ
Monday morning finds me heading into the Buzzards’ facilities at the crack of dawn.Well, 7:30 a.m., but close enough.It was the only time the team psychologist, Watson Ross, could squeeze me in.
I’ve never been one for therapy, but so many of my teammates swear by it that I figure this guy is either the smartest man in the world or a miracle worker.I don’t care which, as long as he can help me.
Yesterday felt like the longest day.All I wanted to do was talk to Rachel or go see her.She was not okay when she got out of the car.I was trying to be mature and reasonable.It would have been so much easier to fall into bed with her.It’s all I wanted to do.
But I know how delicate she is, and I didn’t want to hurt her by messing up our relationship, which I’d eventually do.So instead, I hurt her by telling her the truth.I wasn’t rejecting her.It’s the reverse.I’m not good enough for her.
"What brings you in today?"Watson asks.
Do I start with Rachel?Or do I start with the thing with my parents keeping my learning disability from me?Or about ClikClak and how I get sucked in and then can’t do anything else.Maybe I should tell him that I don’t know what I’m going to do when I’m no longer playing for the Buzzards.
