The image of our birth giver crying and wailing at Richie’s funeral comes flooding back, and so does the anger."If she’s been around so much, why haven’t I seen her?Did she forget she still has a daughter?"
"She’s been asking to see you.Sharon and I thought it was best if she didn’t bother you.We told her you’d be in contact when you were ready."
My inner child is standing there with a big ole grin on her face, all excited because her mom is coming back.My adult self is backhanding that fool for having any hope that Mom will change.
Gramps continues, "Renee seems to have turned over a new leaf, but we’ve thought that before too.We’ve been worried about you, and we didn’t want to add one more thing."
"Smart move," I grumble.My grandparents know me well.I wouldn’t have been able to handle my mother’s unpredictability right now, especially not on top of my grief.
"You know I’m not the one to defend Renee.I leave that to your grandmother.I’ve been disappointed by Renee more times than I can count.But I think I see a difference in her since Richie died.It was a wake-up call."
"It came too little, too late," I grumble.
"That’s what she’s realizing.She missed out on everything.I think she thought she’d always be able to make it up to you when the time was right," Gramps says with a shrug."I can’t figure out where we went wrong," he adds, staring out the window.
He’s now lost in his thoughts, so I don’t interrupt him.Over the years, I’ve heard him and Gram fighting about my mom.It’s easy for me to forget that she’s not just my mother; she’s their child.It hurts me to see my grandparents hurting.They stepped up when our mother failed us.They gave Richie and me a home.They gave us everything.And now I’m walking away, like they don’t mean anything.
"Gramps, I don’t need to quit.I can keep working for you.I … I’ll tell the bookstore that I can’t take the job.I can be here for you the way you were here for me."I stand up from my new desk and go to hug my curmudgeonly grandfather.
He bats me away.He’s not the hugging type.
"Have you lost your damn mind?You don’t belong here anymore, and I was wrong for trying to force it on you.You were only supposed to help out over the summers when you were in high school.This wasn’t supposed to be your career."
"Yeah, but I had to pick up the slack for Mom.She was supposed to be in the family business.I had to take her place."
"You can’t live your life for Renee any more than you can live out your sister’s bucket list.You have to live for yourself.Do what you want to do.Get what you want from life, not what you think other people want you to have."
The intrusive thought that so often guides my life once again bobs to the surface."I’m afraid no one will love me if I don’t do what they want me to do."This is the first time I’ve ever admitted it out loud.
Gramps slams his hand on the desk."Are you kidding me with that bullshit?"
I jump."N … n … no," I manage to squeak out.
"Is that really what you think?"He waves his hands in front of his face."No, don’t bother answering that.I … dammit, where is Sharon when you need her?"he blusters and then storms out.
Alrighty then.
About three minutes later, my phone rings.
"Hi, Gram."
"Gramps told me you’re upset."
I sigh."I’m not the one who stormed out of here.He didn’t even get that upset when I turned in my resignation."
"You know Albert isn’t good with the feeling stuff.He’s all prickles on the outside, but on the inside, he’s a big softie.You know that.He’s upset by what you said."
Historically, I would have hung my head and apologized profusely, doing anything to make it so no one was mad at me.Today, I feel different.Emboldened maybe."Gram, I’m allowed to have feelings.I’m allowed to say that I have a deep-seated fear that if I don’t do exactly what someone wants me to do, they won’t love me anymore.I’ve earned it.I have a deadbeat dad, if he even knows I exist, and a mom who’s not much better.When the people who make you don’t even love you, then who else will?"
"Gramps and I tried to make up for it."Gram’s voice sounds so sad.
"I know you did.But I have these abandonment issues.And then Richie left me, and then you kicked me out.You can see why maybe they’re not getting better."
But they are getting better.Okay, not by much, but I’m at least able to admit that they exist.Gotta start somewhere.
"We … mistakes were made, with you and your sister.We didn’t know what to do for you."
It breaks my heart to hear my grandmother talk like this."You took us in.You kept us out of foster care, or even worse, from potentially getting abused by one of Mom’s boyfriends."
