AllFreeNovel
Share Us
It was as if I didn’t belong there any longer.
And why was that?
Hell, I wasn’t ready to say the words.
Because if I said the words, I’d have to acknowledge that something had changed inside me, that I yearned for what I’d pushed away all these years.
Was I ready to take that chance when everything I thought I’d known had been stripped from me?
I hadn’t felt this bare since…realizing that I was alone in this world.
But…Ivy felt like home to me now.
When I held her, the world dropped away and I basked in the glow of her goodness.
A primal need bubbled up inside of me when I saw her. As if every cell in my body reacted with the same resounding chorus: MINE!
Who was I to even presume that I deserved a shred of her decency?
I’d blackmailed her into sacrificing her virginity to me — who does that?
Rotten fucks, that’s who.
And yeah, I was torn by the knowledge that even as I despised myself for doing that, I would do it again.
I craved Ivy.
Everything that she was.
I wanted to fall asleep wrapped around her and wake up to her soft kisses.
Her laugh lit up my insides with joy and reminded me that there was still beauty in the world when all I saw was darkness.
The way she curled her toes when she came, the way she moaned and cried out softly when I slowly slid inside her…
I could spend a lifetime earning her love and still come up short in my eyes because she needed more than I could ever give her.
What could I offer?
Hey girl, I’m surly, moody, addicted to dangerous jobs, and will probably die eating a bullet one of these days…wanna sign on for this detail?
Yeah, didn’t think so.
I should just walk.
Don’t even say goodbye.
It was better to cut ties with one swift downward stroke than to saw at the connection with a blunt blade.
You know, it’s the only play that makes sense.
So why did the very thought of following through with that plan make me want to cry?
Because you’ve turned into a fucking crybaby. Girls are a dime a dozen. Move on.
Jesus, why was my dad’s voice in my head?
The day I started taking advice from a worthless motherfucker, I’d start with Charles Manson, not the asshole who spawned me.
I took the couch, dropping onto the old sofa with a grunt as I closed my eyes.
Too many browsers open. I was starting to go looney.
First things first…
Tomorrow, I would face the captain.
What I would say…I had no fucking clue.
But I’d better figure it out.
Ivy
I wasn’t in the mood for company but I was feeling pretty low so when Roxy showed up, I didn’t have the energy to dissuade her from checking in on me.
“Darlin’ you look terrible! What’s been going on?” Roxy exclaimed, coming to sit beside me and clasp my cold hand in hers. “Are you running a fever? You look like you’ve been dragged behind a bus.”
I sighed with a wan smile. I suppose I didn’t look my best. The last few days had been rough.
I hadn’t seen or heard from Jameson since he left three nights ago. The radio silence was unnerving and hurtful.
Had he just abandoned me?
After everything that’d happened?
If it walked like a duck and talked like a duck, it usually wasn’t a giraffe.
In the briefest way possible, I gave Roxy a run-down of everything that’d gone down, including my kidnapping and almost being sold off. By the time I was finished, Roxy was dumbfounded.
I didn’t blame her shock. Hell, I’d gone through it and I still had trouble accepting it’d happened.
“Holy shit, baby,” Roxy said, shaking her head in awe. “That’s some movie-plot shit. I mean, kidnapped? Like Liam Neeson-type stuff. Are you okay?”
“I’m alive.”
“Dear Lord, thank you, baby Jesus,” Roxy crossed herself dramatically. “You hear of that shit happening in the news but you never really take it serious. Who gets kidnapped here in the United States? But damn…now I’m definitely telling Ricky to pick my happy ass up after work. I ain’t taking no chances.”
I chuckled. Roxy’s unique perspective always made me laugh.
Roxy’s expression screwed into a concerned frown. “Okay, so what’s going on with your man?”
“He’s not my man,” I corrected her, hating the grimace that ached to follow that admission. “He never was.”
“Oh bullshit, girl. That man loves you and if you’re too stubborn to see it, you’re just plain blind.”
“He left me three days ago and hasn’t called once.”
“Did you call him?”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you’re fingers ain’t broke. Sometimes you gotta go after what you want, baby girl, ‘cause life ain’t gonna hand you nothing. You hearin’ me? Go get your man if that’s what you want.”
“I’m not going to chase after someone,” I said stiffly, my pride stung. “If he wants me, he knows where to find me.”
“Ah girl, your stubborn streak is gonna be the death of you. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”
The simple question popped a hole in my indignation. What a profound question.
What did it matter if I went to Jameson instead of the other way around?
What if I pursued him instead of him chasing after me?
Roxy smiled. “See? Now you’re starting to think. The pity party only works for so long. And that goes for the both of you. Look, I know he ain’t perfect but what man is? None of that matters, anyway, honey. The heart wants what the heart wants. And yours clearly wants him.”
“Our lives don’t mesh,” I said, not entirely sure if I should take the chance on Jameson. “He’s…difficult.”
“He’s a man. They all difficult.”
I couldn’t argue that point but I had several more.
“He hates Frankie. I can’t be with someone who hates the one person in my life that I have left of my family.”
“Frankie is a grown-ass man. He needs to start making better choices. Did you ever think that maybe your man has a good reason for not liking the dude?”
I hated that logic but it had merit.
If Frankie hadn’t been twisted up in Terano’s operation, Jameson wouldn’t have had reason to dislike him.
Plus, I knew that Jameson’s expression of panic and rage hadn’t been fake. When he saw first saw me at Terano’s compound, he’d looked ready to murder anyone who’d dared to touch me.
That’d been real.
I’d stake my life on it.
But even if all that were true…I couldn’t make a man see what he wasn’t ready to see.
“Jameson and I…we don’t make sense,” I said. “He’s the opposite of me.”
“I know you’ve heard of opposites attract, so don’t front. Let’s get down to the real nitty gritty of what’s tripping you up. You’re plain afraid. Afraid of what it might mean to love someone, I mean, truly love someone that isn’t related to you by blood.”
God, the looney bird with terrible taste in men was so right it was scary.
“How is it possible that you know this?” I asked, a bit in awe.
Roxy suddenly looked wise, which was a look that I’d never recognized on her before. Maybe I hadn’t been taking Roxy serious enough.
“Girl, I’ve dated my share of bad men. Ain’t no secret about that. But I will tell you…the one good thing out of all that bad…you start to see past the mask that most people wear. Your man is rough but his heart is damaged gold. He wants to love you, too. But…he needs a little nudge, a little encouragement. Go to him and tell him how you feel.”
“And what if he tells me that he doesn’t feel the same?” I balked, cringing at the
potential humiliation.
“I don’t think that will happen but if it does…it just means he didn’t have the balls to step up and you’re better off knowing the truth now than later when there’s more on the line.”
“Damn, Roxy,” I murmured ruefully. “You’ve been holding out on me all this time. When’d you get so smart?”
Roxy winked. “Never show your full hand until you know the players you’re playing with.”
