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‘Not sure I did, really.’ Spill the rest. ‘I tried becoming a part of the school in-crowd so that I could forget what went on at home. Failed big-time because of Mum. Everyone knew what she was.’
‘Where did the cello fit in?’ Zac was giving her breathing space.
‘When I didn’t make it as an in-person I went for the nerd brigade.’ She huffed out a tight laugh. ‘That probably saved me, considering where some of the girls I’d desperately wanted to befriend ended up while I was at med school.’
‘Why medicine?’
She shrugged. ‘No idea. It was just something I wanted to do. As a little girl my dolls were always covered in plasters and bandages.’
‘At least you’d have been sure of your choice, then.’
‘You weren’t?’
Zac grimaced. ‘I started university intending to become an engineer.’
‘What changed your mind?’
‘Seeing my brother going through rehab and getting no end of help from doctors along the way made me think I’d be happier doing medicine.’
‘Your parents didn’t sway you?’
‘Put it this way, Dad’s an engineer at the top of his game, being the CEO for one of the country’s largest steelworks.’
‘You wanted to follow him into the business?’
‘No, I wanted to gain acknowledgement that I was his son.’
Reaching for his hand, Olivia said, ‘That’s the wrong reason to choose a career.’
‘I was desperate.’
She shuddered. ‘I understand.’ Seemed she wasn’t the only one with difficult parents. ‘Being an only child, I was never really treated as a kid even before Dad left.’ Not wanting to spoil a wonderful day with talk of her childhood, she said, ‘Let’s go eat lunch by the pool. All that fish-gazing has made me hungry.’
Zac scrambled to his feet and held out his hand, hauling her upright with one easy, fluid movement. ‘I could murder a beer. Think I’ve swallowed a litre of salt water.’
‘Yuk.’ Around at the front of the resort Olivia dived into the pool, eager to get rid of the salt and sand on her skin. When she hauled herself up over the side Zac was sitting at a nearby table, beer in hand, and his gaze fixed on her. Suddenly her bikini felt non-existent. A pool attendant handed her a towel and she quickly dried off before pulling on a sleeveless shirt and shorts and joining Zac under the coconut palms. ‘Food and water, I think.’
Zac pushed a bottle and glass towards her. ‘Sparkling water, as requested.’
Turning her hand over, she slipped her fingers between his and enjoyed the moment. This was something she hadn’t known before. She had never spent time just holding a man’s hand without sex being the ultimate goal. Unbelievable how wonderful it felt. Full of promise without any expectations.
A group of children was leaping into the deep end of the pool, splashing half the contents over the side while shrieking their heads off.
‘They’re fun but I’m glad glad we’re not staying here on Treasure Island when Tokoriki is a no-go zone for kids,’ Zac commented. ‘I don’t mean anything nasty by that, but as a childless adult I don’t really want to share my rare break with other people’s offspring.’
‘I get it.’ She took a risk. ‘You think you’ll ever have children? Once you find a life partner, I mean.’
Zac’s eyes widened, and his mouth alternated between a smile and a grimace. ‘Now, there’s a loaded question. Or two.’
‘It wasn’t meant as such.’ Wasn’t it? ‘Just wondering if you were planning on having a family and a house in the burbs.’ Geez, what would she answer if he turned the question back at her?
The level in his beer glass dropped as he drank and stared at the kids in the pool. ‘You know what? I’d love to have children of my own.’ The surprise in his voice told her plenty.
‘Isn’t that a natural thing for most people to want?’
‘Yeah, but after Mark’s accident I decided I wasn’t having a family. Too easy to hurt them.’ Again he raised his glass to his lips and sipped the beer thoughtfully. ‘I think I’ve been wrong. I do want children.’ His head jerked backwards as though he couldn’t quite get his mind around this revelation.
Little Zacs. Olivia let the breath that had stalled in her lungs dribble over her lips, and tried to ignore the band of longing winding around her heart. Pick me for their mother. She spluttered and almost spat water down her shirt. Where had that little gem come from? Having children meant getting married and that would never happen. ‘Where’s that waitress? I want to order lunch.’
Zac shook his head and looked around. He must’ve spotted someone who could help because he raised a hand and waved, before doing what she’d hoped he wouldn’t. ‘What about you? Obviously you’d want more than one child if you felt you’d missed out not having a sibling.’
She went for her standard reply, not prepared to reveal her deep but well-hidden longing that she barely acknowledged to herself. ‘I’ve worked too hard to get where I am with my career to be taking time out for babies. Women I’ve talked to say that has set them back on the career pathway, and I’m not prepared to do that.’
Zac watched her, while behind those eyes she knew his brain would be working overtime. ‘I don’t buy it. That’s the press-release version. What’s the real story behind answering the same question you threw at me?’
He had a valid point. She hadn’t minded asking him where he was headed on the subject of family, so she should be able to take it in return. Except she couldn’t. They’d moved beyond the couple that used to have crazy sex all the time with no stopping for conversations. Now there was more between them they were learning about each other and she definitely liked the man she was getting to know. More than liked. But to reveal everything about her sorry upbringing was going too far. From years of learning to shut up those memories, they were now firmly locked away and she doubted the words were there. ‘I—’
‘Excuse me.’ The waitress chose to arrive right then.
Phew. Not a reprieve but a few minutes to consider how to get around this without upsetting Zac and the easy way that had grown between them. Because that was important. She did not want to lose any ground they’d gained.
‘Another water?’ Zac asked.
‘Yes, and I’ll have the red snapper with salad.’
The waitress hadn’t even turned away before Zac was saying, ‘There’s a question on the table, CC.’
Might as well get this over. ‘I got Mum’s undivided attention. She put all her love onto me. Except it was conditional and ugly.’ Her sigh was bitter and very out of place in such a wonderful setting. ‘Parenting takes special people and I’m not one of them.’
‘Am I allowed to argue that point with you?’ Hi
s voice was soft, gentle, almost a caress that said, I’m here for you.
‘Afraid not. It’s pointless.’
His mouth tightened. She’d hurt him.
Reaching for his hand, she said, ‘I need to drop this, Zac. Seriously. I’m sorry if you think I don’t trust you enough to talk about it. It’s me I don’t trust. My judgement about everything that happened in my family is warped and I’m just not ready to dissect it. I probably never will be, okay?’
His chin dipped in acknowledgement, though his eyes said he was still there for her if she changed her mind.
Squeezing those strong fingers that were curled around her hand, Olivia asked, ‘Can we relax and make the most of sitting next to a sparkling pool on a tropical island? Leave the other stuff out of the picture?’ She’d get down on her knees if that would help.
Zac leaned forward and placed his lips on her mouth. ‘Yes,’ he breathed as he kissed her.
As far as kisses went this one was tame, but it wound through her like a silky ribbon, touching, comforting, telling her that she wasn’t alone with those deep fears any more. Had this Zac always been there? Should she have scratched the surface of him right back at the beginning, on that very first night they’d fallen into his bed, exhausted after making out in his lounge and still eager for more? No, she didn’t think so. They would never have revealed anything about themselves back then. Talking hadn’t fit the mix of what had made their affair so exciting. ‘Thank you,’ she murmured into his kiss.
They were interrupted with cutlery being placed on the table and the waitress asking if she could get them anything else while they waited for their meals.
‘No, thanks.’ Zac sat back, a smile tipping that gorgeous mouth upwards. His eyes locked on Olivia’s. ‘We’ve got everything we need.’
*
‘The trevally are here,’ Olivia called from the edge of the lawn in front of their bure an hour after they returned to Tokoriki.
Zac grabbed the fishing line and raced down to the beach, calling at Olivia as he passed her, ‘Watch this. I’m going to catch dinner.’
