And with my friends and sisters-in-law, I can weather whatever is coming for me as a duchess estranged from her husband.
It wasn’t a pleasant thought, but it also wasn’t the worst. At least she wouldn’t be entirely alone moving forward. Which is more than she could say for her husband.
Despite what Lucien had told his wife the night before, the distance between them already felt like an icy dagger to his chest. It was almost pathetic how little time had passed since they had separated--less than a day!--and yet he still felt sick with missing her. Waking up that morning and finding, once again, that his bed was empty, had been one of the most heart wrenching moments of his life. And when he’d come down to breakfast, it was to learn that she had asked a tray to be sent up to her. In the past, she had never done that, although it was common for married women to do. Instead, she’d spent breakfast with him before they began their separate activities for the day.
For the next six months, I’ll have this to look forward to: her avoiding me at all cost.
It had felt all day as if his sisters were avoiding him as well, and he knew why: it was obvious to anyone in the house that he and Emery were no longer on good terms. Not only had her move into a different part of the house attracted much attention, but he’d seen all his sisters whispering together at tea time and sending disappointed looks in his direction.
Interesting how they just assume it’s my fault, he thought bitterly, although of course, he knew it was.
There was a knock on his door, and Lucien started and looked up. “Come in,” he called out, his voice hoarse, and to his surprise, it was Henry who entered.
“Henry,” Lucien said calmly, motioning at the chair across from him. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today. I thought you would still be too furious to speak with me.”
“I’m not furious,” Henry said as he sat down in the chair across from Lucien. He hesitated. “Well, I suppose part of me is,” he admitted after a moment. “But I also came here to apologize.”
“Oh?” Lucien raised an eyebrow. “Alright then.” He settled into his armchair and looked expectantly at his brother, who shifted in his seat, a nervous look on his face.
At last, Henry cleared his throat and looked up at Lucien, meeting his eyes with some difficulty.
“I really am sorry, Lucien,” he mumbled. “I realize now how foolish I was yesterday to meet with Miss Holloway like that. I can’t believe I did something so reckless and so disrespectful to the woman I love. I understand why you were so angry with me, Lucien, and honestly, I feel I deserve even more of a reproof for what I did.”
“Really?” Lucien was surprised to hear this. He hadn’t expected his brother to capitulate so quickly, nor had he expected him to have such insight into the damage he had caused. But then his eyes narrowed with suspicion.
He’s just trying to lure me into a false sense of security. He wants me to think he has seen the error of his ways so that I won’t be as vigilant, and then he will begin to secretly court Miss Holloway again--or worse, run off with her.
“Why are you saying this?” he demanded. “Because if you are trying to placate me so that you can sneak around behind my back--”
“No, Lucien, I’m not.” And Henry looked so sincere, and so apologetic, that Lucien felt his anger and suspicion melt away. “I really am sorry for what I did. I didn’t behave like a gentleman.” His brother’s eyes flicked to his. “I didn’t behave as you would have behaved.”
“Oh.” Lucien wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. “I never thought that you would want to act the way I would,” he said after a moment. “I thought you thought I was a heartless, feeling-less wretch.”
Henry smiled with embarrassment. “I do think that sometimes, Lucien, but you have to admit: you’ve given off that impression for some time now.”
“I suppose I have,” Lucien said with some effort. It wasn’t easy to admit his mistakes, but if Henry could admit his, then Lucien could do the same as well.
“But of course that’s not all I think,” Henry continued softly. “You’re my older brother, Lucien, and I look up to you. Of course I do. All my life, you have been the exemplary figure of gentlemanly behavior. And I have been… well, the screw-up.”
“You think that about yourself?” Lucien asked, astonished. “I thought you always took great pleasure in being the more ‘amusing’ and ‘fun’ one, that you thought me uptight and uppity.”
“Of course I don’t think that,” Henry said, shaking his head. “I have always felt inferior to you, Lucien. You were so perfect, and I was so much worse at remembering all the rules and sticking to them, so I suppose I just embraced it. It was easier to be the ‘amusing’ or ‘fun’ one if that’s what I was good at, but deep down, I always wanted to be more like you.”
Lucien couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. It was such a shift from what he had believed for so long about his dynamic with his brother that it took him a moment to reorient himself.
“That’s what I always felt about you,” he said at last. “I had to be the perfect, responsible one, or else the family might fall apart, especially after Mama and Papa’s deaths. But deep down, I wished to be more like you.”
Henry shook his head in wonder. “Strange that we were both feeling that way and never communicated it to one another,” he said, a slight hiccup of amusement in his voice. “Everything might have been easier if we had just talked about this much sooner.”
“Yes, most likely,” Lucien said, and he felt the urge to laugh as well. “Everything might have been much easier between us. Although in truth, I don’t think I was ready to admit any of this until now. I’m not sure what has changed, but--”
“Emery is what has changed,” Henry interrupted, smiling softly. “She is what has changed you.”
Lucien didn’t say anything.Does Henry know that she moved into her own room?It was likely he did; the servants and the girls would have been gossiping about it all day. But that didn’t change the fact Henry thought Emery had made Lucien a better brother; more open; more able to talk about things. It warmed his heart to think this, even if he didn’t yet know if things would ever be salvaged between him and Emery--or if he wanted them to be.
“Anyway,” Henry said, clearing his throat. “The reason I came to talk to you today is because I wanted to tell you I agree with you: I shouldn’t ever speak to Miss Holloway again. Of course, I’m devastated by this, but I know it’s the right thing to do. I risked not only Leah’s reputation, but Georgina’s, and I realize now that if I would do something like that to her, then I don’t deserve to marry her.” A pained but resolved look overcame Henry, and he cleared his throat again. “She deserves a man who will court her the proper way. If I can’t do that, then I’m clearly not ready for the responsibility that marriage entails. It’s one of the most painful realizations I’ve ever come to, but I know it’s the right thing to do.”
Henry glanced down at the desk, and Lucien considered him for a long moment.
