I sent for the blacksmith.
†
She let the blacksmith in.I cannot offer her the solace she desperately needs to cope with her grief.I’m incapable of being that person for anyone, but especially for this woman who makes me feel too much.
The blacksmith told me she wanted a bath, and he gave her the soup I’d brought up from the kitchen.
†
He stayed the night.
†
The next morning, the blacksmith came looking for me and asked for coffee.It was her favourite, he said.Something I didn’t know about her – something I wish I knew and he didn’t.Smug arsehole.
I asked him if she was better, and he just smiled.I have never wanted to hit someone so much before.He must have seen how I felt before I could hide it behind my usual mask of indifference.
He asked me why I would send another man to Caris’s bed if I was in love with her.
I will give her whatever she needs to be happy.If that’s him, then so be it.
†
I closed the journal, feeling conflicted.Cillian hadn’t told me that Torgrin had sent him to comfort me after Iain’s death.I had been confident in my choice when I chose Cillian, but Torgrin’s words were invading my heart.
I would stop reading it.I’d throw it away if I had to.No, don’t throw it away.I’d place his journal back into my saddle pack – at the very bottom.
Something disturbed me from my sleep.My eyes opened to see the large outline of Cillian’s back in front of me in the dark.I rolled over, needing to know.Fast asleep next to me, like he had been every night since we left Murus, was Torgrin.I snuggled down into my blankets, brimming with a contentment I did not wish to examine.
The following day, there was a lot more energy around the camp.We would hit the halfway mark in just a few days, and even Bethel was eager to get going.She said that Torgrin had promised her she would get to sleep in an actual bed soon.
Cillian had grinned at me from ear to ear the moment I woke, making me laugh and shake my head at him.Men were easy to please.Just before I mounted my horse, he handed me a little pouch.I looked inside curiously and saw it contained a green powder.
‘I wasn’t sure if you would want this until last night,’ he said, scratching his overgrown stubble.‘Hannah used to make it.It’s for preventing pregnancy,’ he explained.‘I purchased the ingredients after the first time.I’ve been trying to find the right moment to give it to you without making you feel like I was expecting more than what you are willing to give,’ he admitted.
‘That is very considerate of you, Cillian.’
‘You are young, and I’m an old man who’s been married already.’He shrugged his shoulders slightly before continuing.‘I should be thankful for any attention you give me, but I also want you to be safe.’
My heart squeezed.I didn’t deserve this remarkable man.‘Thank you.How does it work?’
I listened carefully to his instructions.I would need to dissolve a spoonful of the powder in a cup of water and drink it the day after my bleeding.I thought about how most women would learn such things from a mother or sister.The men in my life taught me many skills that kept me fed, warm and alive – but I was learning that there was more to life than survival.
I tucked the pouch carefully into my pack and pulled myself up onto Nightmare.When Cillian settled himself onto his horse, I turned to him.
‘Cillian?’
‘Yes?’
‘How oldareyou?’
‘Thirty,’ he grunted out, looking uncomfortable.
‘Oh,’ I said.‘Cillian?’
‘Yes?’
‘Can I call you my old man, then?’I shot him a cheeky smile.
