His lips curve into a smile and I swallow and smile back at him. I don’t think I could look away if you paid me.
And then I remember. I’m waiting for him to tell me why he never got in touch again after that last horrible conversation.
And my hand is still in his. I snatch it away.
There’s a not-very-nice pause and then Callum clears his throat and says, ‘Sorry.’
I point to a little road on the opposite side of the square, and say, ‘That way?’ in a voice that sounds very high-pitched.
‘Good idea.’ Callum begins to march far too fast for me in my flip-flops.
After a moment he realises that I’m struggling to keep up and slows down.
‘Sorry,’ he says again. ‘I should continue.’
I nod as I trot somewhat pathetically along next to him. Heshouldcarry on; I want to hear it all now, even if I’m not going to like it.
He begins again. ‘While I was waiting to see what would happen with the court case, I didn’t want to contact you. I was too ashamed. And by the time it was all sorted, several months had passed, and I’d spent a lot of time thinking. I felt as though I needed concrete proof that I was doing something good with my life. I was also very busy studying and didn’t feel as though I had the time to be a very attentive boyfriend. And I was scared that I’d mess up again somehow. So basically I was too cowardly. I can’t really explain it in hindsight. It was fear. And the more I thought about you, the more I remembered the look on your face when you gave me the ultimatum. You just looked so sad and so hurt, because you’d asked me before, several times, to stop, and I’d said yes and then I’d just carried on. I felt as though I’d let you down then and I gradually got really scared that I’d let you down again and then hurt you again if we got back together. And I kept thinking that maybe it was me, that there was something about me that meant I just wasn’t right for you, or for any serious relationship. And then, I don’t know, it’s hard to explainbut I suppose as time went on, life happened, and the more time that elapsed the more I felt as though if we did see each other again and get back together I’d definitely hurt you, and I just… never called.’
I nod. I’m reeling inside my head, and I can’t speak.
‘And one day.’ Callum’s voice is all raspy now. ‘One day, after a long time, someone asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said no, and something inside me clicked into a certainty that it had been so long since I’d seen you that we had de facto broken up, and that was that. And then I… Then I drank more than usual and I met someone else. We split up but…’
I have hot tears forming and I still can’t speak.
Callum isn’t talking any more either.
Eventually, he stops and turns to face me. We’re standing in front of a large and beautiful church.
He reaches for my hands and I let him take them, and this time I’m so numb that his touch doesn’t even really get to me.
‘In summary—’ his continued lawyerliness is beginning to seem very endearing somehow ‘—I loved you, I felt that I’d hurt you, and once I’d sorted my life out I was scared to see you again in case I hurt you again, because I thought I was a disaster waiting to happen, and then once I’d had a brief relationship with someone else it felt as though there was no going back.’
‘You did hurt me,’ I say. ‘And it hurt so, so much that you never came back.’ I swallow and then continue. ‘I met… other people… too. Eventually.’
And I’ve never loved any of them the way I loved Callum.
And I’m scared that I never will.
And suddenly I want to be properly, fully honest.
‘I can’t actually describe how much you hurt me,’ I say. ‘And it was a killer, a complete killer, seeing you yesterday morning.’
I pull my hands away to wipe my face because apparently I have a lot of tears running down my cheeks.
‘Same,’ Callum replies. ‘I was so pissed off I nearly turned round and walked the three miles straight back to the hotel and just hunkered down there for the foreseeable.’
I nod.
‘Except by then we’d already seen each other, hadn’t we,’ he says.
‘Yep.’ I realise that it’s a relief to tell him how bad it was to see him yesterday. Like I’ve always wanted to be able to talk to himabouthim and my feelings for him, ever since we split. I still haven’t actually told Samira that I’m with Callum, despite us obviously messaging back and forth since she got worried about me being in the forest. I know that when I do tell her she’ll understand, but I don’t think talking to her – or anyone else – can be as good as talking to Callum. Or, equally, as utterly heartbreaking.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Callum says yet again. He visibly takes a deep breath and says, ‘For the sake of full disclosure, I…’
I sniff hard. What? What’s he going to say?
‘You?’ I say when the silence has gone on frustratingly long.
