‘You’re an idiot,’ I state.
Callum nods.
I look into his eyes and see fear there.
I want to tell him that I love him but right now I can’t do that.
‘So, were we to go on a date,’ I say, ‘how would you like to see things progress from here?’
‘I would like… I’d like us to be together. Properly. I love you.’
‘I see.’
I want to allow myself to be happy but given everything that’s happened between us in the past I’m nervous.
‘In the summer, it was all very surface-level,’ I tell him. ‘I realised after you left Paris that there were signs, which, if I hadn’t been actively trying to avoid seeing them, I would have realised were practically slapping me in the face.’
Callum nods again, slowly.
‘For example,’ I say, ‘all our conversations. They were very superficial. All small talk, banter. No details. Neither of us knows where the other one lives. I don’t think you even know what job I do unless you’ve googled me. I definitely didn’t tell you, because we didn’t go there. And that’ssosuperficial. And we didn’t even get that far.’
‘That’s true,’ Callum agrees. ‘And it was my fault, wasn’t it? You tried to move the conversation there a couple of times and I blocked you.’
‘Yep.’
We sit in silence for a few moments, and then Callum says, ‘Could I ask a question? Obviously please do feel very free to not answer.’
‘Okay.’
‘What jobdoyou do?’
I look hard at him, into his lovely, still-fearful eyes, and then down at his hands, which he’s fisted so hard that his knuckles are showing white.
It’s the eyes and the knuckles that do it.
‘I’m a special needs teacher,’ I say.
‘Do you… work locally?’ he asks tentatively.
‘The school’s in Muswell Hill. It’s a primary school.’ I decide to tell him more, to see if he reciprocates. I don’t feel good about the fact that I feel as though I’m testing him, but also, I kind of need to. ‘I live near Bowes Park in a flat.’
‘Do you enjoy it?’ He’s still sounding very cautious, as though he’s dealing with an unpredictable wild animal or something.
‘Yep. It’s obviously challenging but it’s very rewarding.’
‘How did you manage to get the time for your trip?’ He’s still speaking slowly, as though he’s very keen to ask the questions and hear the answers, but nervous about how I might react. Fair enough, because while Ididwant to talk about this stuff with him before, I’m not so sure now. Especially given that Istillknow nothing about his current life other than the broad fact that he’s a lawyer.
‘I took a term’s unpaid sabbatical and ran it into my summer holiday.’ I don’t want to talk about myself any more if he isn’t going to talk to me about himself, so I ask, ‘What about you?’
He flexes his hands a little. ‘I work for a large law firm in the City. I do actually quite enjoy it. I live in a flat in Fulham but I’m in the process of buying a house so there’s more space for Thea when she’s with me. I have her on alternate weekends. I’m onperfectly amicable terms with her mum. When she isn’t staying with me, I see her one day on the weekend and once a week on a weeknight, usually Wednesdays.’
He pauses, and then says, ‘I’ve been very keen to be as hands-on and involved as possible so that I’m a completely different kind of parent from mine. Obviously, Thea wasn’t planned but from the moment Leona, her mum, told me about her I just wanted to be the best dad I possibly could. My parents were shit. They didn’t turn up for school concerts or sports days. They only cared when I succeeded at something, and then really only – from where I was standing – to boast about it to their friends and colleagues. If I was upset about something, they never knew, so I have no idea whether they would have attempted to help or not, but I suspect not. I don’t want to be that kind of father. I feel like I have no role model, but I’m doing my best, and so far so good.
‘On Wednesday I had one of the proudest moments of my life. Thea told me all about a bully in her class who’s been victimising one of Thea’s friends, and then told me that I’m the best dad in the world because she can tell me anything and I always listen. I don’t think there’s any higher compliment than that.’
‘That’s so gorgeous,’ I say. ‘I’m so pleased for you.’
‘Thank you. I worried for quite a long time that at some point I’d turn into an uncaring parent but then I suddenly realised one day – Thea’s fifth birthday in fact – that it would already have happened, and I relaxed. And obviously I’m sure I make my mistakes but I’m pretty sure she knows I love her. And that’s huge.’
