He shakes his head mutely, and then a few seconds later says, ‘I should have asked her why she didn’t show up this evening.’
‘You could still ask?’
He shakes his head again. ‘I feel like that could sound accusatory. If we’re going to speak again, I don’t feel like I can begin with that kind of question.’
‘Yep, you’re right.’ I pause and sip my still-too-hot coffee, ow. ‘I’m so, so sorry again that this has happened. I don’t think you should be annoyed with yourself for not having asked that question, though; she might not have replied to it, because shecouldhave volunteered the information, and it’s kind of obvious that a lot of people in your position would want to know, and maybe she would have volunteered it if she was happy to say?’
‘True.’ He takes the steaming mug of coffee I hold out for him and wraps his hands around it. ‘Thank you. That’s good. Funny how cold you can get in the rain, even on a warmish evening.’
‘Yes, like your actual bones feel damp.’
‘Exactly. It’s refreshing, though, after the heat we’ve had. Looking on the bright side.’ He makes a face (which, to my admiration, does nothing to diminish his handsomeness; I’m pretty sure most people would look like gargoyles if they did that) and then continues. ‘I think I’m going to have to look on the bright side about Lola.’
‘You know what. Therewillbe a bright side.’ I’m trying hard to think of genuine positives. ‘Maybe now wasn’t exactly the right time. Maybe itwillhappen – I mean, I’m sure there’s every chance it will – but just today, this week, this month, maybe this year is wrong. And when it does happen it will be perfect.And—’ I’m warming up now; I’msureI can think ofloadsof cheering-up things to say ‘—as you pointed out to me, no-one shouldneedto be in a relationship.’
‘I did say that,’ he agrees. ‘Was I talking total crap, though, just to cheer you up?’
‘Er what?’ I frown at him. ‘Wereyou?’
‘I don’t know.’ He does a face-scrunchsorry. ‘I think I might have been.’
Yep, he totally was, I realise. Hmm. Yes. I’ve been carried along for the past hour or so on a tide of Tom’s convincing bullshit about not wanting a partner, but, actually, Idowant someone. This is not about me, though. And also, wanting is not needing.
‘No,’ I state. ‘We do notneedpartners. No-one does. You wouldlikea partner. So would I. You’re deeply disappointed this evening because you thought you were going to reconnect with a woman you fell in love with at first sight ten years ago and have always believed was the one for you. And I’m, well, just generally disappointed in love. But we definitely do not actuallyneedpartners.’ I’m warming to my theme. ‘Think about all the amazing,happy, successful single people there are. Elderly and middle-aged ones, not just young ones. They have other meaningful relationships. I mean, what’s so different about a romantic relationship from a non-romantic friendship?’
‘Sex,’ Tom points out.
‘That’s just a detail,’ I tell him. ‘Sex isnotthe be-all and end-all. I mean, obviously good sex is amazing, but, you know, maybe the way forward is meaningless hook-ups to satisfy the sex thing and then great, meaningful, deeply satisfying non-romantic friendships.’
‘Really?’
‘Absolutely,’ I lie. I personally do not like meaningless hook-ups. I’ve found that out the hard way and have established that I would much rather havenosex. Although I dolikesex, a lot, in the right context.
‘You’re looking wistful; you’retotallylying.’
‘Yes, okay, fine, Iwaslying abit, because meaningless hook-ups are not actually for me. But also, I wasn’t. Lots of people do like them. And also, most people – most people I know, anyway – go through dry phases. And they are totally, completely fine with that, usually. Like the vast majority of people would surely rather be single than with the wrong person. And if you’re single and youdon’tlike meaningless hook-ups, you’re going to be sex-free.’ I want to wind this strand of conversation up now, because Gina keeps popping into my head; she’s very vocally into sex toys for her own personal use, no need for a partner, and I don’t enjoy her monologues on the topic, and I don’t want to start a similar conversation now. I don’t need more than one friend in my life who likes to have long (or indeed any) discussions about masturbation. ‘Anyway, basically, good sex is obviously a lovely added extra, but equally obviously your average personcanperfectly happily live without it.’
‘True,’ Tom concedes.
I press my advantage. ‘So, basically, what we’re saying—’ I don’t think this is too much of a stretch ‘—is that the main benefit of a good romantic relationship is in fact emotional. And you can get emotional support from friends. And you can have fun with friends. And if you need a plus-one for events you can take a friend.’ I close my eyes for a moment remembering the time I plus-oned Gina to my grandmother’s eighty-fifth birthday party.
‘Thinking about a bad plus-one experience?’
‘Just my friend Gina at a family barbecue. She ended up talking about masturbation withmy uncle.’
Tom’s eyes widen. ‘Wow.’
‘Yeah.’
We sit in silence for a couple of beats before I remember that I’m supposed to be helping him achieve a happier state of mind.
‘You’re going to be fine,’ I continue. ‘Your friends will help you.We, your new Waterloo friends, will help you.’
It’s just occurred to me – kind of lucidly, as opposed to being at the back of my mind – that Tom does not in fact know Lola at all really; they messaged after they first met, but in person he’s spent precisely one two-hour-long evening with her, ever, and that was ten years ago. Whoknowswhether in practice they would actually like each other now as friends? Obviously they might be in lust with each other but I know from bitter experience (I havesomuch bitter dating experience) that there’s only so far mutual lust will carry you in a relationship.
I open my mouth to point out that for all he knows she’s an axe murderer or a bigamist or just really not very nice or not someone ten-years-older Tom-of-today gets on with that well, and then close it again. He isclearlynot ready to hear that yet; what was I thinking?
Also, everyone knows that it’s a very bad idea for friends to criticise each other’s partners or exes unless they are definitely, completely, no-going-back exes forever. It’s terrible for a friendship when Friend A has heavily criticised Friend B’s ex when the split turns out only to have been temporary. (Yep, also bitter experience – with my friend Samrita and her now husband – we did get over it but it took a while.)
