So I go in a different conversational direction.
‘I think we need to amend our resolutions.’ I stand up and go over to my desk in the corner of the room and return with a brand-new notebook and a pen (I love stationery).
‘We’re going to write them down?’
‘Can it hurt?’
‘Very fair point; it can’t.’ Tom takes a big slurp of coffee.
‘Exactly. And it’s scientifically proven that if you write stuff down you’re more likely to stick to it.’
‘Really?’ He raises one eyebrow.
‘Definitely. And even more so if you write itwithsomeone, so you’re accountable to each other.’
‘Yes, now that definitelyistrue.’
‘Exactly. Okay. So.’ I open the book and twiddle the pen while I think. ‘Where did we get to?’
‘You’re going to stop trying to find love; you’re just going to let it creep up on you so if it happens it happens, and if it doesn’t, all good? So you’re going to stop going on dating apps full stop, and you won’t automatically say yes to blind dates but you also won’t be entirely closed-minded to them, I think you said? But basically no dating, for at least six months.’
‘Yes. All correct. My dating detox.’ I note all of that down, sorting it into bullet points. ‘Okay, now you.’
Oh. Tom’s resolution was to find Lola, check she’s okay and tell her he loves her. But since then we’ve had the no-reply to his I-love-you.
‘Erm.’ I feel like it would be better if I wait for him to suggest things because my mind is completely good-idea-free.
‘Yes. Me. Well. Yeah. I’d like to find Lola somehow, see her in person, tell her in person that I love her and see what happens.’
I nod. I’m feeling very uneasy on his behalf because it could obviously all end horribly. But I can see that he needs to do this. Everyone needs closure sometimes and ten years is an unusually long time.
‘Okay.’ I click my pen on and start writing. ‘There. Done.’
Tom nods.
I look at the page. ‘Actually, not really done.’
‘We aren’t?’
‘No. I’ve just written what we want to achieve, but nothowwe’re going to achieve it. We need a way forward. Something more concrete than just “let things happen but not for six months” in my case and “look for Lola to check she’s okay and sayI love you”.’
‘Kind of difficult to make fully concrete plans sometimes, though?’
‘Okay.’ I twiddle the pen again. ‘Maybe that isn’t exactly what I mean. Maybe it’s that I don’t like what I’ve written for either of us. It isn’t positive enough. Like, I feel we need to be taking some kind of affirmative action. Okay, yoursispositive action. But as we said before, it shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all.’
‘So you’re saying…?’ Tom looks a bit confused.
‘That we need to resolve to prove to ourselves that neither of usneedsa partner. As in, we do notneedromance, because we have good friends.’ I write that down.
‘That’s still very wishy-washy, though. Shouldn’t it be something more specific?’
I smile at Tom, pleased that he’s finally entering properly into this.
‘You’re right. Okay. Here we go.’ I click the pen on again with a flourish. ‘Basically, what do we need from a romantic partner? Other than sex. For everything else, we’re going to prove to ourselves that we’re totally fine –morethan totally fine – with our platonic friends.’
‘Fun, emotional support, a plus-one,’ Tom reels off.
I write them all down.
