I say, ‘Tap water and a glass of house rosé,’ without looking at the drinks menu.
‘Tap water and a beer,’ Tom says, equally quickly.
When the server’s gone, Tom says, ‘So.’
And I wait.
And then he says, ‘I’m so, so sorry for leaving the room like that after we… after that night. For not saying anything.’
‘Whatwouldyou have said?’ I ask, because now we’re here I have to know.
He looks down at the table for a moment before meeting my eyes.
‘I’d have said that I was really confused because I thought I was still waiting to hear back from Lola but I’d had the most amazing night of my life with you and I felt as though I was cheating on both of you.’
‘Oh.’ I’m pretty sure that is not what I was wanting to hear.
‘Being honest.’ He reaches out and touches my hand very lightly just for a second. ‘That is what I would have said if I was being honest. I was very confused. Because the whole time I’ve known you I’ve known that you’re gorgeous and funny and had fast become my best friend even though I already had best friends, and also every time I had you in my arms I didn’t want to let go, but the moment we met was when I was still thinking about Lola. I mean, at that point I was expecting to meet her and hoping very much to start a relationship with her. I had no expectation of meetingyou, and at first I didn’t think that way about you because I am not someone who would ever cheat on someone, and in my head I was hoping to get together with Lola. And I had – incorrectly – told her that I loved her and I felt as though that was a conversation that hadn’t concluded, albeit a one-sided conversation.’
He pauses as our drinks arrive.
When we’ve thanked the server, Tom continues. ‘So falling in love with you crept up on me. I didn’t totally realise that I had. And when I realised that I had feelings for you I felt terrible about Lola. So I texted her to ask if she wanted to meet. And she said yes. And we met.’
Oh. I had not expected that. Oh no. Is he trying to tell me that he loves me as a friend and he’s together with Lola? But… would he do it like this? I don’t know. I’m very confused. I drink half my glass of water to try to clear my head.
‘When I was waiting to meet her, I just wanted to tell you about it. And while I was with her, the thing was, I didn’t want to tell her about my divorce. Or about wanting to backpack across Europe on a budget after watchingRaceAcrosstheWorld. Or about my new shoes. All the things that I wanted to tell you about. And I just kept thinking about you. And then I realised that the person I wanted to talk to, be with,love, all the time, was you. Is you. And that I’d been the biggest idiot in the world. And I hope it isn’t too late.’
‘So…’ I’m still not totally sure what he means. ‘You met Lola and…’
‘Quite quickly I told her that unfortunately I needed to leave and goodbye.’
‘So…’ I don’t know how much I should allow myself to hope.
‘I realised what you probably already knew, which is that the Lola thing was an insane fantasy, maybe related to my divorce. I love you. I don’t think I ever loved her. I never really knew her; she was just an idea.’
‘Yep, that’s what I thought.’
‘Were you tempted to tell me?’ He takes a sip of his beer, holding my eyes with his the whole time his lips are on the glass, which I find myself loving.
‘Kind of but also not,’ I say. ‘I think sometimes people have to find things out for themselves.’
‘Yeah.’ He takes another sip, still looking into my eyes. ‘And I did find that out for myself. And I also realised how very much I love you.’
My heart gives an annoying leap.
I don’t want my heart to be leaping. Five minutes ago he thought he was in love with Lola. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t like getting hurt. Ireallylove him, so if wewereto start any kind of relationship, which is what I think hemightbe suggesting, there’s every chance Iwouldget hurt, because who’s to know whether or not he really loves me.
‘Obviously,’ he says, ‘if I were to tell you that I would like nothing more than to begin dating you, it would sound as though I was to some extent jumping straight from one relationship to another. I mean, my relationship with Lolawasin fact imaginary. But at the time I suppose it wasn’t imaginary to me.’
I think he might want me to say that no it doesn’t sound like that. But it kind of does.
So I say, ‘Yes.’
He nods. ‘Yeah.’
I’m going to have to sniff in a minute to stop myself from crying. I don’t want to do that. So I look at the view of the river to my left and try to catalogue the contents of my fridge to take my mind offthis.
‘Could I?’ Tom clears his throat and I look back at him. ‘Could I possibly… That is to say, could we be friends? For a while? And then if you thought you might like to, we could maybe start dating in due course?’
