He raises his eyebrows superciliously and then says, ‘Yes, they are.’
‘I’m enjoying eating them,’ I persist.
‘I’m so pleased to hear that.’
I draw a deep breath and remember that I am doing this for Lizzie, my very good friend.
‘Are you enjoying yours?’ I ask.
‘My vegetables?’ Jake tilts his head to one side for a moment as though considering, and then says, ‘Yes.’
I want to kill him. Why can’t he contribute atallto the conversation? For the sake of Lizzie and his close friend Dan?
‘Great,’ I say. ‘How’s your steak?’
‘Not bad.’ He looks at me for a long moment while I glare at him, and his lips twitch the tiniest of amounts, which makes me glare even more. ‘How’s your sea bream?’
‘It’s very nice, thank you. Cooked just the perfect amount and I like the sauce.’
‘Excellent. That isgreatinformation.’ He forks a piece of steak and puts it into his stupidly well-shaped mouth and begins to chew.
I’m really irritated by his chewing. I’m just sitting here watching him, and normally when you watch someone chew they do actually look quite weird and they also usually get quite self-conscious. Not Jake, however. Firstly, he doesn’t look at allweird. Secondly, he seems completely fine with me watching him eat. He chews for a while, and I have to admit that it’s a good length of time, not too long and not too short, and then he swallows.
‘Before you ask—’ he cuts another piece and puts it on his fork, together with some broccoli ‘—that was a very nice mouthful.’
‘Great.’ I spear some of my fish on my fork and put it into my mouth, and, oh bugger. That was a mistake. I have just given Jake the opportunity to stare openly at me while I eat. And, unlike him, I do not have the ability, it seems, to chew nonchalantly away while someone watches me.
He puts his cutlery down, leans back, folds his arms across his chest and continues to watch me.
I chew a few times while he carries on watching.
I do not like this. I do not like it at all.
I’ve chewed enough. I’m sure I can swallow now and end this being-watched-while-I-chew misery.
I swallow, and, gaaah, I hadn’t chewed enough. I can’t… I’m choking… I…
To give Jake his due, it does seem that he doesn’t actually want me todie, or not right now anyway. Probably because of the hassle of getting my body home from Sevenoaks. Also, maybe he’d get done for manslaughter for staring me into choking. He stands up and takes one big step round the table and gives me a massive slap on the back, and the fish flies out of my mouth and lands exactly halfway between our plates.
While Jake sits back down, I stare at the half-chewed fish mouthful for quite a while, wondering if this day could get any worse. Then I recall that I do not like Jake and should not care what he thinks.
‘Thank you.’ I take my napkin from my lap and pick up the fish and fold it all up and put it under the side of my plate.
‘My pleasure.’ Jake’s lips are twitching again.
Astonishingly, Dan and Lizzie have not looked even once in our direction.
Jake moves his chair towards the table and then leans in towards me and speaks softly, so that – if theydidsuddenly notice that we still exist and are still right next to them at the same table – Dan and Lizzie would not hear.
‘Did I just beat you at your own game?’ Jake enquires.
I close my eyes and summon up every single ounce of self-control I have and give a tinkly little laugh.
‘Ha.’ I don’t say anything else, because I would like to be very cool or very cutting, but words have failed me, possibly because there is literally nothing cool or cutting Icouldsay at this point.
Jake laughs out loud and I tap my foot under the table in irritation.
I’ve got a dilemma now. I want to eat the rest of my fish, because it’s delicious and I’m still hungry. But I don’t want to be stared at while I eat.
