“Stop. I wanted you to. I didn’t pull away because I wanted you to stop. I just, I needslow. Slow and steady.” I pause biting my lip before continuing. “Do you really want this, Matthias? It was so long ago, and you’re the catch of the century, and I’m well, I’ve got baggage.”
There’s almost no hesitation to his response. “Yes. I really want you, so whatever that comes with, at whatever speed, I’ll be here. Or I’ll be there. Just tell me when to jump, and I’ll ask how high.”
I laugh a little. “I leave in a week. You know that, right?”
“I know. Can I come see you?”Oh.
“Yeah, you can.” He just gives me his million-dollar smile.God, he must have a great dentist. I return the gesture. I know it’s probably not as full or as joyous as his, but it is a smile and it’s the most I can give right now.
“If I were to text you, asking you out, will you respond to me this time?” he asks.
“Oof, I don’t know…” I’m shaking my head back and forth. “Kidding. Yes, I’dprobablyrespond. But just a forewarning, I literally only have sweats for clothing and the thought of leaving the house is slightly terrifying. I wasn’t joking about slow and steady. That’s the only speed I’m capable of operating at.”
“Got it, slow and steady. How about a walk today, and maybe pizza and a movie here tomorrow night? Alex can even join us, so it doesn’t feel too date-ish.”
I let out a small laugh. “Okay. I could be down for that.”
He grabs my hand, leading me to stand then pulls me into a hug before whispering in my ear, “Thank you, Brit.”
THIRTY-ONE
Britain
The dread and anxiety are overwhelming as I sink into the bed, box of tissues beside me at the ready. I go into the calendar on my phone and click on the Zoom invite link. The video launches with a loud ping.Damnit, she’s already in the meeting waiting for me.
“Hi, Britain. How are you doing?” Carla asks in her pitch-perfect, calm voice. Bob sharp as ever, in her crisp oxford shirt, like always.
“Like shit, quite honestly.” Carla just nods in response. I could tell her I was just hit by a freight train, found out my father was the king of England, and I won the lottery, and her reaction would be the same. I wonder how many years it took her to school her face into a look that says, “I’m concerned, but I also don’t give a fuck.”
“It’s been a little while since we last met. Do you want to catch me up? Or is there something specific you want to work on?”Ugh, this is literally the last thing I want to do right now. Relive the shit show of the last month and a half. I basically stopped meeting with Carla after my first couple of weeks here. I was so happy, I thought it wasn’t necessary. And if I’m being honest, I didn’t want her to judge my life choices. Outwardly, her professionalism would prevent me from ever knowing she was judging me, but deep down, I know she is.
“Yeah, I guess let me walk you through it, it’s a lot. Hope we have enough time.”
She doesn’t respond to me, just gives me the go-ahead nod. So I dive in. I tell her about Liam, and how I fell in love with him. How I thought he was my perfect partner in every way. I cringe when the words “soul mate” slip out of mouth.Ick.
I tell her about Georgia, and her box, and her notebooks. I tell her all about the night of my conception. I tell her about Alex and reconnecting. Nothing’ll bond you with another person like reliving a shared trauma, then experiencing a new trauma together, again.
I tell her about the day I got engaged, and broken up with. The head injury, and the hospital. I even tell her about the pregnancy. She probably already thinks I’m crazy, let’s just finish it off, yeah? I tell her about the eerily similar circumstances of Georgia and I being pregnant and alone, in this house.
I tell her about my new perspective on Georgia’s life, and how I’m blown away by the fortitude and strength she must have had to stay here all these years.
Carla finally chimes in. “You’re just as strong as Georgia, Britain.”
“Am I, though? I mean, I always choose the path of least resistance. Whatever is easiest, whatever is convenient, that’s what I do.”
“You don’t have to do that now, not if you don’t want to. You are lucky enough to have a choice, Britain. There’s nothing wrong with choosing easy,unlessthat’s not what you’ll ultimately want in the end. So you need to ask yourself, is this what I want to do?” She pauses before dropping her therapeutic wisdom. “The easy path can just as easily become the hard path if you aren’t following what you want. I think you’ve learned that lesson already, correct?”
Damn.She’s right. She’s always fucking right. I think for a second about what would have happened if I hadn’t run away 17 years ago. Would Matthias and I be happily married, with a couple of kids, living our best lives? I can’t play the “what if” game, but I do know what Carla means. I chose what I thought was easy, and I’ve spent 17 years wanting something else. Now I’m here doing the hard work, trying to make up for my easy choice back then.
I take a moment to think about what I want, whatIreallywant. I think about my dream house on Pinterest. A house by the lake, a boat on the water. I think of Sunday dinners with Grandma Sandy and Uncle Alex. I think of golden hills that turn green for two weeks in spring, and how I’ve only ever been truly happy here. I’ve tried to think about moving back before. I always thought it was impossible, I thought it would betoo hard.
All we have is today. Sandy’s words repeat to me. I don’t want to wake up in another 20 years and realize I’ve never done what I truly wanted because it was hard. My entire adult life, I’ve put everyone else’s life and needs before mine, because it’s easier that way. It’s easier to not be a cog in the system, to never ruffle any feathers, to not do the hard work.
“We only have a couple minutes left, Britain. Would you like to schedule another appointment to continue working through this?”
“Umm, yeah, sure.” I hear her, but I’m still in my own head.
“Okay, would you like to do virtual or in-person?” It’s a simple question, but it feels like a fork in the road. My body knows the answer before my mind does. I’m going to stay, and take the hard path, and do the hard work.
