“I mean I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone. See you, see my brother.” The lie comes out easily.
“Right. Let me get dressed really quick and then we can talk, okay?” She rests her hand on my shoulder and I get that awful feeling in my gut again. But I don’t let on. I just nod my head and stand.
“Do you want me to get you water or anything? I’m gonna head downstairs.” I ask mostly to keep my mind and hands busy, but I know I’m falling right back into the role I was made for — taking care of her.
“Sure, I’ll take a water. Thanks.”
I walk out of her bedroom feeling burned, and like the biggest fucking idiot. Was I wrong thinking she was ready? I thought we just hadn’t gotten the chance to be alone. It never occurred to me she might not wantme.I don’t fucking get it.
SIX
Britain
When I get downstairs, Matthias is sitting on the sectional in the great room. His elbows are perched on top of his knees, his hands clasped, and his head hanging low.Jesus. He is, without a doubt, the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. His dark hair is long enough to rest on the collar of his shirt, and with his head bowed down, several pieces have broken free and fallen onto his forehead. My chest constricts at the thought that I’m hurting him. I desperately want to walk over, push his hair back, wrap my arms around him and apologize until I’m hoarse.
It was evident how disappointed he was when I told him to stop. To be honest, I was a little disappointed in myself. I wanted to go there with him, and be with him like that, but I just couldn’t. It feltwrong. So far, everything with Matthias has felt good. I wouldn’t go as far as saying it’s felt “right” because that has a lot of other implications, but it felt good. Knowing we were going to be intimate,thatfelt wrong. Having sex right now would just end up being a disservice to both of us, and Matthias deserves more, way more.
Walking around the arm of the sectional, I move to take a seat near him. But I don’t take his face in my hands and push his hair back. And I don’t wrap him up in my arms.
“What’s the bag for?” I ask, noticing the overnighter I couldn’t see before coming around the sectional.
“It was a surprise, but I was planning to take you to the coast for the night.” He motions down to the bag. “The girls packed it for you and I picked it up earlier. I was planning to meet you at your appointment.”Oh. “Don’t think we’ll be needing it now.” He sighs out, sounding downtrodden.Fuck.
“I’m sorry Matthias. I was going to talk to you about this, but I…I’m struggling to put into words how I feel.” He just turns to look at me, his warm brown eyes penetrating me as a sad expression passes his face. But he just nods, waiting for me to elaborate.
“I’ve been, um, really struggling lately.” I drop my head down in shame and stare at my hands as they fidget with the hem of my shorts. “And I’m not sleeping. And every time I’m alone, I fall into this depressed state that feels impossible to get out of. I’m sad…and I’ve been pretending that everything is fine because I hoped that if I just put on a happy face for long enough, it would just come true, you know? But it’s not fair for me to keep this from you.”
“Why would you think you’d need to keep this from me?”
“I don’t know!” I say it a little too loudly, exasperated. “Because you shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s not your problem, and you deserve to be with someone who is happy and can make you happy.”
“I am with someone who makes me happy. I’m just disappointed you don’t feel the same way.”
“You do make me happy, Mats! That’s the problem, though. When I’m with you, I’m happy. You make me happy. But it’s a distraction from what I still feel deeply,painfully, and it’s grief.And I don’t let myself deal with it. And I don’t talk about it. I just pretend.That’sthe problem.”
“So I’m being punished because I make you happy?”What the fuck?I finally look back up at him.
“How am I punishing you?” I try to keep my tone even.
“By keeping me at arms length. And not talking to me about the important stuff and the real stuff you’re going through. Look, I love spending time with you, and with the girls, but I don’t need everything to be rainbows and sunshine. I don’t know what gave you that impression.” He pauses to shake his head in disbelief. “You still don’t get it. I want to be with you.With you,Britain. Somehow, though, I’ve already messed it all up because you won’t tell me what’s going on. You act like everything’s fine, until it’s not, but you’re not even giving me a chance to show up for you in the first place.”Shit, he’s right.When he speaks again, he averts eye contact and his tone is subdued.
“I showed up at the appointment today,” he pauses, like he’s debating what he wants to say, “because I wanted to ask if I could go into the ultrasound with you. And I wanted to know if we could put a label, onthis.” He motions with his hand between the two of us. “And then I had this grand idea that I’d sweep you off your feet and take you away for a romantic night.” He lets out a sigh. “I wouldn’t have planned all that if I had known you’re not over Liam.Not even fucking close to being over Liam,” he scoffs.
I’m gobsmacked. I don’t know what to say, so I sit there saying nothing.
“Do you want to stop seeing each other?” He can’t even look at me when he asks. My heart breaks and I know there are tears in my eyes. I respond without thinking. The words are out of my mouth before I can even think twice.
“No.” I say it quietly, but it’s there, and it’s the truth. I don’t want to stop seeing him. “I don’t want to stop seeing you, Mats,but I don’t want to keep pretending like everything’s great and I’m happy when I’m not. And I don’t think I’m ready for a label. I’m just not ready. Like don’t you ever wonder why I don’t want to hang out, or go on dates at night?”
“I just assumed you had morning sickness. Well, you know what I mean, the all-day sickness people call morning sickness.”
“It’s not that. It’s because I get so scared and anxious at night that I just end up crying, all night, every night. It’s just this bone-chilling fear, and for no apparent reason.” Matthias moves over, wrapping me in his strong arms.
“I’m sorry, Brit. I didn’t know. You should have said something. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t say anything.” He pulls away from me slightly. “What do you need? What can I do?”
“I don’t know. That’s part of the problem, I don’t really know what I need or what anyonecando. I probably need to talk about it, but I can’t imagine that’s something you’d want me to talk about with you.” He grimaces for a fraction of a second before he schools his face back into a sympathetic expression.
“If talking about Liam would help, let’s do it.” He says this with as much enthusiasm as someone getting ready to have a root canal.
