“Jess is coming. She’ll be here tonight or tomorrow morning. I can talk to her about some of this, too.” He looks instantly relieved. “I just want to start by taking today to just be sad. Not try and be happy, but just really be sad. And I want to watch TV, and cry, and then eat some ice cream…and it’s probably for the best if I do that alone.”
Instantly, his shoulders fall slightly. This feels impossible if I do what I need—at least what I think I need. I’m disappointing Matthias, but if I keep going along like this…Ican’tkeep going along like this. It dawns on me that I’m feeling something I used to feel all the time with Damian. It’s this internal conflict. I’d feelit when what I wanted, or even who I was, was in direct conflict with Damian and the life we shared. Damian and I only worked when I would bend to him.Hmm. I shouldn’t waste my time comparing Matthias to Liam, but I don’t remember feeling this way withhim.Did you forget, Britain? Liam’s not here, though.
I can’t go back to that either. What I need is valid; what I’m asking for is fair. I told Matthias, that day at the hospital, I may not be able to give him the relationship he’s looking for. At this point, he can take it or leave it. I’ll be sad to see him go, but I won’t be sad that I’m standing up for myself.
He sits there for several moments, looking at me. Like he’s willing me to buckle, to take it back, to ask him to stay. But I don’t. When he realizes it, he finally says, “Alright then. I guess I’ll get going.” The disappointment seems to roll off him in waves, crashing into me. But I stay strong; I won’t cave.
“Okay, sounds good…and we’ll talk tonight, yeah?” I walk with him over to the front door.
“Will we, though?” Matthias asks with a sort of chill to his voice. I’m not used to seeing him like this. Matthias has always been a golden retriever, but today was like peeling a layer of an onion back, and I’m not sure I like what’s underneath.
“Yes, we will. I’ll text you tonight.”
He leans down, giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. “If you say so, Brit.” He steps over the threshold and turns, giving me the slightest of smiles. “Take all the time you need, babe. I’m not going anywhere.” And just like the flip of a switch, the golden retriever has returned.
By two o’clock, I’m wondering about the girls when my phone starts vibrating.
“Hi, I was just thinking about you guys. You ready for me to come pick you up?”
“Uhhh, you’re still here?” Caroline asks me cautiously.
“Yeah, I ended up rescheduling my appointment. And baby, I appreciate you and Elodie helping Matthias get stuff ready for the coast…today just wasn’t the best day to go. But hey! I have some good news!”
“Oookay, what’s that?”
“Aunt Jess is coming today or tomorrow!”
“Yesssss!” Elodie whisper shouts, making me laugh to myself.
“That’s great!” Caroline’s tone immediately improves, the relief apparent. “I mean, Elodie and I were planning to stay the night at Gigi’s, but we can come home if you need us to.” The guilt washes over me. They shouldn’t have to worry about their mom for one night.
“No, I think you girls should stay if you want to. Jess and I can come pick you both up tomorrow.”
“Perfect! Because Grandpa is building a bonfire tonight, and we’re making s’mores with Carly’s homemade graham crackers!Homemadegraham crackers, Mom!” Elodie’s excitement is nearly infectious.
“Wow! That sounds amazing! Can you girls save me a graham cracker to try, please?”
“We will, and will you call us if you need anything tonight?”No. Caroline shouldn’t have to take on my burdens anymore. I have to work on getting better, being better so my kids can be kids, not their parent’s chaperone.
“Absolutely, I will. You girls have so much fun and let me know what time to pick you up, okay?”
“K! Bye, Mom. Love you!” “Bye, Mom.”
“Love you both so much. Bye.”
These girls deserve more than I’m giving them right now. I let out a long sigh.
Britain
You’re okay with the girls staying over?
Sandy
Are you kidding me? These girls make me feel young again, and they're a joy to be with. They’re welcome to stay over anytime.
Okay. Thanks, Sandy. I’m not sure if you were tracking, but I’m not going to the coast tonight, so if they need anything or need me to get them, I can.
Yeah, I was tracking, and that’s okay. It just didn’t work out today. Get some rest and we’ll see you tomorrow, baby!
