“No matter how…how enraging I find him, he deserved better from me.”
“You two had not learned yet to speak to each other as equals. It is natural that such disagreements would arise between two proud and obstinate persons.”
“And now we will never learn to communicate. It is over. The account is settled and closed. I should have given him more of an opportunity, I should have explainedwhyI cared so much. I always believed he wouldlistento me when we argued. I do not think heunderstandswhy I ended it.”
Papa embraced her. He smelled warm and of tea and books and the newsprint on his hands. “Lizzy, my dear Lizzy. I always adored you more than my other children. I could not help myself — ever since you were able to talk and toddled about in my wake. You mimicked my gestures with the serious face of a tiny angel. Jane stayed where Mrs. Bennet put her, but you…” Papa smiled at the reminiscence. Elizabeth knew these stories. “You loved to learn; you listened to me talk for hours without boredom, and I loved company if it was yours, and teaching if you were my pupil. Once it became clear we would never have a son… What I have done to improve the fortunes of our house, to ensure dowries for you each, I did it because I needed to be sureyouwere cared for, even if I would have rathered to sit in the study every day reading my books, and not attend to estate matters and argue with Mrs. Bennet each time she spent a pound or two too much.”
“You have told me, Papa.”
“Lizzy — I know you and your mind. You may be foolish at times, but never a fool.”
She did not understand why his saying that made her feel incomparably better, but it did. Even though shehadbeen a fool. Elizabeth embraced Papa tighter, pressing her face against the scratchy wool front of his winter coat.
He smiled at her tearily. “I also know you will be happy soon enough again.”
“I have too much passion in me.”
“Ridiculous. You are perfect as you are, mistakes and successes.”
“Papa, I am not perfect, but but…oh, I hurt so much. Why does ending an engagement hurt so much? I never knew anything could hurt like this.”
Papa embraced her and held her close. His arms were the arms of the one fixed star in her life, the man who had always cared for her, who had always been her favorite person. Elizabeth cried again, and Papa’s coat became so wet from her tears that it took on the faint wet wool smell of a soaked dog. But her tears restored her this time. She felt whole once again, even though the next weeks and days would hurt.
Behind her the rain had stopped and a single sunbeam broke through the clouds.
Chapter Twenty-One
Bingley stood next to Darcy in Darcy’s rooms as his valet packed fine woolen trousers, embroidered silk vests, and linen shirtsleeves into the heavy iron-banded trunk.
“Bingley, I thank you,” Darcy spoke with a repressed anger towards Bingley, irrationally blaming his friend for part of the pain which he felt, “for your hospitality. However, you must admit it is natural for me and Georgiana to leave and leave immediately.”
“I…I can only imagine — is it entirely ended?”
“Over. She threw my love back at me. She threw my ring back at me. She prefers…pray tell, what am I to do? I am a man. A proud man. I responded to her dramatics and to her arguments with calmness and presence of mind. I will not chase at her like a sniffingdog. Matters are at an end between us.”
“Oh.” Bingley looked unsurprised and almost relieved. He should show a sympathetic expression instead of a thoughtful one.
“Damn you, man. You introduced her to me.Yoursister. What sort of woman jilts a man because he will not managehisward in the manner she wishes? Elizabeth is not so good a woman. Not so good as I believed.”
Bingley twisted his hand in his pocket and grimaced. “That is how you see her at present?”
Darcy felt sick. The storm whipped against the windows, renewing its strength. She had gone out into the rain, in her safe carriage. Gone. Falling water separated them.
“Elizabeth, she…” Bingley sighed. “Elizabeth expects to be listened to. For her opinion to be respected. If you cannot…it was for the best that you both discovered this before your marriage was solemnized.”
“Georgiana ismyresponsibility.Mine. I failed her once. I won’t fail her again. Not for Elizabeth’s sake. If Elizabeth willfully denies that it ismydecision who Georgiana marries, then…then…then this was for…” Despite his anger, the horrid feeling in Darcy’s chest meant he could not agree, ever, that losing Elizabeth was for the best.
“You are used to having your way in all matters. I am not surprised a conflict arose between you two. A mismatched pair inmyeyes, but I never deeply understood either of you, and I did not consider it my place to say anything.”
“Et tu, Brute? Elizabeth said Mr. Bennet disliked the match.”
Bingley put his hand on Darcy’s shoulder. “There, man, there. Don’t keep the pain in. It hurts.”
“Why do you all disapprove? I am the richest man she could possibly marry. I have a grand estate; I am a responsible master — Iama perfect gentleman. She said I wastoogentlemanlike.”
Bingleylooked like he was beginning to cry.
“How can a man be too gentlemanlike? Too concerned for the care of others. Too honest and upright in his bearing. Too noble in his antecedents. She is immature and unwilling to subordinate herself to anyone. She is another example of how radicals destroy the minds and morals of women who take them seriously. She should not be permitted to marry at all.”
