Jared's mouth fell open, but only slightly, and not wide enough for him to form words.
"Tell me one thing," I asked. "What held you back? Were you ashamed of me or your sexuality?"
Jared's mouth closed again. He considered me for a long moment before speaking. "You were vulnerable then," he said eventually. "I didn't want to be one more person trying to get you into bed."
"You wouldn't have had to try very hard."
"I would have been no different than the people abusing you."
"No one was abusing me. It was all paid transactions." Even as I said that, though, my own memories called my words lies. Plenty of men had done things to me they hadn't paid for. Some men never paid at all. Shuddering, I tried to suppress those images. It was all in the past. These days I only had to take care of my sire.
No, not my sire. He was gone too.
These days I only had to take care of... myself?
That didn't feel right.
Jared's hand rubbed circles on my back, as if he thought I needed comfort, even though I hadn't said anything to indicate that. Then again, maybe his preference for silence made him good at reading non-verbal cues from others as well. Whatever the reason, I was glad that I didn't need to explain myself as I drew my arms around my legs and pulled them close.
"That was the last time I saw you," Jared said after a moment, his hand still on my back and the rest of him so very close I kind of wanted to lean into him, hide my face in his chest. Nicolai had let me do that when I was feeling bad. Sometimes.
"Sometimes I think back to that day and I regret not doing more," Jared continued.
I let him speak, because I knew it couldn't be easy for him to tell me this.
"Sometimes I think if I had told you how I felt about you, maybe you would have let me help you. Maybe you wouldn't have died."
"I didn't die," I protested, but of course, Jared had never known this. The world would have assumed that I was dead. In a way, that wasn't wrong. Michael was dead. His body had turned into a vampire and Nicolai had killed whatever remained of his spirit.
I wrapped my arms a little more tightly around myself.
He didn't. He taught you how to behave in your new role. You should be grateful. You were worthless until he raised you up.
No, I didn't want to listen to that particular voice in my head. Not right now. I was so tired of it putting me down. I liked the other one better, but that one was silent now.
"I'm glad you didn't die," Jared said, and for once, his voice was heavy with emotion. Raising my head, I looked at him. My death had actually taken a toll on him. Slowly, so as not to startle my gentle giant, I unfurled my legs and moved to sit in his lap, facing him.
"I used to think that nobody cared that I died," I said, raising my hand to his face to touch his cheek. "I used to think I was no one at all. And maybe..." I trailed of, flashes of memory shooting through my mind again. Images of myself, bruised and beaten on the floor, choking as someone's hand wrapped around my throat.
Jared's hands came to rest on my hips, the warm touch pulling me back to reality.
Taking a deep breath, I centered myself again. "Anyway," I said. "I'm really happy that that's not true. Is that selfish? Wanting people to mourn you?"
Jared's grip on me tightened ever so slightly. "You're the least selfish person I know."
His words surprised me, because that wasn't how I saw myself at all. I was plenty selfish. I'd betrayed my own coven, after all. "My sire often told me that I needed to work on being less self-centered. He told me I was like a toddler, trying to take whatever I wanted. I mean, Iusedto be like that..." But I'd worked on myself. I was better at controlling my impulses now. Most of the time, anyway.
"Your sire was a massive scumbag and you shouldn't believe a single word the fucker ever told you."
I wanted to protest, I really did, but for one, I was too surprised to hear Jared curse like that, and for another, he was kind of right. As much as I hated to admit it, the truth was in my memories. Nicolai had lied about some things. Maybe about all of them.
Exhaling, I dipped my head and rested it on Jared's shoulder. "You lied too," I murmured. "About your sexuality." I drew his scent into my nose, breathing in air that was laced with his desire for me. It wasn't blatant or aggressive, but it was there. A gentle stream that grew a little stronger with every minute I spent sitting in his lap.
But Jared would control himself.
"I'm not gay," Jared said. "I didn't lie about that."
"I can sense that you're attracted to me," I reminded him. "In my world, being attracted to guys makes you gay."
