“I’ve been friends with men over the years. Your grandfather was my friend, my partner, and I loved him. It was different. I can’t tell you why, but I know when it’s different. You and Ty are different, sweetheart.”
“It doesn’thaveto be. Nothing has tochange. That’s a choice, and I am choosing not to change anything.”
Grandma looked at her as if Lara had reached out and slapped her. She gripped the back of a kitchen chair like it was holding her up. She even paled. But Lara didn’t understand what she’d said that was so awful.
Gingerly, Grandma pulled the chair closer to Lara, settled into it. “A few years back when you wanted to stop going to counseling, I didn’t argue because I thought you had come to a healthy grip on what had happened to you,” she said, quietly. Intently. Searching Lara’s face forsomething. “Was I wrong?”
Lara shook her head. “No. No, this doesn’t have to do with that.” It wasn’t about not being able to get up in the morning because she missed her family so much. It wasn’t about the panic attacks. Those weregone.
Mostly. Except for the other day after she’d sold her painting. But that was a little blip. She’d handled it.
“Then why is a nearly thirty-year-old woman sobbing over the idea that something might change?”
“Why don’t you understand?” Lara hadn’t felt so lost in ages. She thought… Grandma always understood. Always supported her. Why was this different?
“Oh, baby. I understand. I know how the grief all ebbs and flows and sometimes make the future feel harder than staying stuck in place. In a way, I’m so lucky I had you to be strongfor, because it meant I had to try to crawl out of that horrible, horrible time. For you. I would have curled up and died without you.”
Lara didn’t know what to do with that. She’d thought Grandma was so strong. Oh, not that she hadn’t been marked by everything she’d lost. Just that she’d…she’d been stronger at carrying it. Because Lara had never seen her falter. Never seen her even close to giving up.
“You know all these groups and things I’m a part of? The clubs, the volunteer work. I didn’t do any of those things before the accident, if you recall. I worked the museum and didn’t mind keeping mostly to myself and my family. After your grandfather died, I went internal for a while, but when…the accident happened, I knew I couldn’t hide away from you.”
Lara thought back to before… Something she didn’t often do. But she supposed Grandmahadbeen different then. Lara hadn’t paid much mind to her grandmother’sexternallife, but no…all the community involvement hadn’t been part of Mary Lou’s life when Lara had been little.
“I had to find a different way to deal,” Grandma continued. “At first, I took on all those groups and efforts to keep my mind busy. So I wouldn’t have to think about all that pain, get lost in it. It helped me stay upright and be what you needed. But a funny thing happened—throwing myself into things I enjoyed, into projects I loved, causes that were important to me…the worry and grief had less of a place to linger. I suppose I thought you’d gotten there too. Right along with me.”
“I did. I am.” But Lara couldn’t help but wonder now, in the face of what her grandmother was saying, if she’d backslid somewhere along the way. “I don’t… I hardly ever cry about them. I like my life. I just want it to stay this way.”
“It can’t though. Death aside, nothing stays the same. And there’s a sadness, a grief in that. No doubt. But I tell you what,if a handsome man wanted to sweep me off my feet these days, I’d let him. No matter how much I loved your grandfather, no matter how much it’d hurt to lose again. Because you learn to carry your grief, and joy is a buoy.”
“I have joy,” Lara insisted. “I miss them, but it doesn’t take me out at the knees most days. I love our life. The museum, Wild Rose Point. I just liked…Ty coming and going.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“I mean why would you want someone you care about to come and go? It’s not like the going made him happy. Or you, for that matter. Why wouldn’t you want him here, whole and happy? Living a life that suits him instead of that bastard father of his?”
Lara shook her head. “I’m glad… I’m so glad he’s home and settling down and following his own path. I just…” The thought of being a part of it squeezed at her lungs, just like the panic after she’d sold those paintings. Too much of a good thing and…
“I’m surprised at you,” Grandma said very quietly. “I thought you were happy.”
“I…” She wanted to tell her grandmother that shewas, because sheshouldbe, but she’d told Ty, hadn’t she? That she wasn’t happy. And he wasn’t happy.
Why did that feel so much safer thanthis?
“I know it’s trite, honey, but do you think your parents would want you drowning in your own misery, afraid to live because it might hurt? It’s not how they raised you. It’s not how I raised you.”
“I’m not afraid.” That wasn’t the right word. She knew she couldn’t control bad things. They came at you no matter what. “I’m trying to…”
“Manage things? Control things? Keep everything just how you want it so nothing goes wrong?”
Lara frowned. Grandma made that sound like a bad thing when Lara didn’t see it that way. It was…smart. It was comfortable, and what was wrong with that? What was wrong with building a life that made her…
Well, if not happy at least safe.
“I think Ty Wagner’s got a lot to teach you about what it is to work hard at things that have no guarantee.”
Lara shook her head. He’d been angry. She couldn’t remember Ty ever being angry at her before. Not like that. It didn’t feel surmountable. “I don’t know that… I think something broke tonight, Grandma.”
