“Do you want to do the questions or the answers?” he finally asked.
If that was something else from my childhood, I didn’t remember it. “What does that mean?”
“It means you obviously have something important to say. Do you need to ask me questions, or do you need to speak your piece and have me ask the follow-up?
I rubbed the back of my neck. I’d take C, none of the above. But I couldn’t go back to Savannah with my tail between my legs. Time to Ranger up.
“Actually, we should sit.” I motioned to another bench, this one far from the water. But I wasn’t there for the view.
We sat and turned to face each other. Yeah, making eye contact sucked. All I could do was think of Savannah, remember how much faith she had in me, and dive into the deep end of the ocean.
“Why did you call me Three-Be Ben?”
He widened his eyes, seemingly surprised by the question. “As I recall, there were a few times in high school when I was frustrated with some of your decisions. You were bright, in fact, brilliant, at so many things. But I worried if you didn’t stick with things long enough for them to become hard, you wouldn’t learn resilience. Obviously, it was a misplaced concern.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He was fucking minimizing it. “A few times? You called me that all the time.”
Again, he looked shocked. Then deflated. “Ben, did it seem that way? I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle of both our memories, but if you felt that way, I said it too often. Maybe saying it once was too often. I’m sorry.”
Now that I thought about it, I couldn’t pinpoint that many specific memories of the words. “Maybe you’re right about the middle ground. It only sliced so deep because I desperately wanted to earn your respect.”
“Ben, you’ve done that a hundred times over, before and after high school.” He rubbed his neck, the habit he’d passed on to me. “I can’t believe I’ve cocked this up so badly. Such a stupid thing to say.” He genuinely looked wounded.
“It’s not really about the nickname, Dad. It’s about you doubting I could commit to Savannah.”
“Savannah?” He frowned. “Are you talking about the talk we had right before you left for basic? If we are, I think you misunderstood my meaning. You were so young. I worried you would both get hurt.”
“Sure, I was twenty-two and dumb, but you and Mom started dating when you were only twenty-four.”
“And we married when we were twenty-five. Did you ever wonder why we waited seven years to start having kids?”
Thoughts about birth control and menstrual cycles and other things I didn’t plan to discuss with him ran through my head, but I guessed that wasn’t what he meant. “I assumed you waited until you were ready.”
He nodded. “In a way. The truth is, your mother nearly divorced me a few years into our marriage.”
I sat in stunned silence. My parents had always seemed rock solid. A love story like theirs had seemed out of reach for me, except for the summer seven years ago, until the past three weeks.
“May I ask why?”
He nodded. “Absolutely. It’s the relevant part of thestory.” He looked me in the eye, being brave. Being a man. “I was too selfish to be a good husband to her.”
I hoped to God he wasn’t about to tell me he’d screwed around on my mother, or I might never speak to him again.
“Wipe that look off your face. I’ve been a one-woman man since the day I met your mother. But she gave up a lot to marry a military man. Especially one so driven. I took promotions and transfers without asking her. Every time she tried to put down roots and grow something for herself, I uprooted us to climb the next rung of the ladder.”
That was the deal when you married a military person, and to my knowledge, my mother had always understood that.
“There’s a difference between knowing what you’re getting into and living with it,” he said, as if reading my mind. “And you, Ben, are your father’s son. I wasn’t worried that you wouldn’t commit to anything. I was worried you’d commit to everything, all at once. Your career and Savannah, and like me, you wouldn’t find the balance.”
I shook my head. “But it worked out for you.”
“Only because your mother forgave me and clawed back a life that worked for both of us. I didn’t want you to take that risk.” He sighed and stared out at the busy street in front of us. “Oh, Ben, I don’t expect you to understand this until you have kids of your own, and maybe not even then. But it’s the hardest thing in the world watching your kids repeat your mistakes without trying to save them from the fall.”
“So to save me from the heartbreak of Savannah leaving me, you advised me to break both our hearts by leaving her.”
He shook his head. “Not on purpose. I didn’t know you were already in so deep. I can see it now, seven years on, that you were. And you still are. I’m sorry, Ben, for that careless nickname, but more than that, for letting my fear get in the way of your happiness.”
I couldn’t let him think he’d ruined my one chance for joy,especially since I’d learned in these past three weeks that I had another shot. “We’re dating again. It’s getting serious.”
