My head feels as though it’s splitting, too much to keep inside. I can’t tell my parents, or Varin, or Bertrand, not without concrete evidence. There is someone I can confide in, though. Someone whose job it literally is to support me.
I wipe my face and brush my teeth, then head back into my room. I dig around in the bottom of my cupboard, pulling out my old Raven sweats and putting them on. Then I press the carved leaf on my fireplace and head down the dark stairs and out of the hidden door at the base of the tower, blinking against the afternoon sunshine. Crocuses nestle beneath the trees, daffodils nodding their golden heads, the first breaths of Spring in the air as I race across the lawns.
Michael, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, opens the door as soon as I knock.
‘E? I wasn’t expecting you—What’s wrong?’ He pulls me inside, steering me into the living room. ‘Tell me.’
‘It’s Sophie.’ I tell him all I’ve realised, stumbling on the words in my haste to get them out. ‘She’s disappeared. I can’t lose her, not like this. If it’s a hunt, I need to stop it.’
‘You absolutely do not.’
‘What?’
‘You’rethe Raven, Emelia. Or you will be, in a week or so. You cannot go running off whenever you feel like it. Oh, don’t look at me like that. You made this choice, remember? And I’m your lieutenant. I’m supposed to talk you out of shit like this.’
‘I thought you were supposed to support me,’ I snap, stung.
‘This is me supporting you! You can’t do stuff like this anymore!’
‘Why not? If I’m the Raven, why can’t I do whatever the hell I want? My friend is missing, and I need to find her!’ My voice catches. ‘So excuse me for wanting to do something right.’ I get up, heading for the door, but he grabs my arm. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Stopping you.’
‘From going back to the house?’
‘From doing whatever hare-brained scheme you’ve come up with.’
We glare at each other, heat simmering between us. Then he sighs. ‘Tell me what this is about.’
‘I have to do something, Michael! I’m going to be the Raven in a week! And then my life will be … fuck. I’ll be as trapped as I was before. I’ll have to marry Joaquin and rule the realm and I just … I want my friend back. I want one final adventure. Yes, I chose to be the Raven. But it doesn’t mean it’s easy.’ The words tumble out of me like release, sorrow I hadn’t realised I was carrying.
Michael’s throat moves, his stormy gaze on mine. ‘Why do you have to marry Joaquin?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything! I thought … you know when we saw those Reapers, in the daytime? I wanted to go and find one, in the Pits, and ask them for help. That’s how desperate I am. I want to change things, but I can’t figure it out. I can’t figure anything out.’ The last part is a wail. ‘And maybe if I marry him, people might take me seriously.’ Tears come to my eyes.
‘First of all, plenty of people take you seriously. You pulled a dagger on a vampire general!’
‘So? She still insulted me to my face.’
‘And second of all, what in darkness do you mean, you wanted to find a Reaper?’
And I break. I tell him all of it, about Lady Morvenna and the red flowers and why the Channel Islands won’t work, why I’m struggling so much. At some point he takes my hands, his fingers gently rubbing mine. When I finally finish, the love in his eyes almost breaks me.
‘What,’ I mutter.
‘You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here, E. I’m with you.’
Oh God. I want him so much. But it’s much more than just lust. Heseesme, in a way no one else does. He feels like home, like safety, like the warmth of a fire on a dark night. And I cannot have him.
‘Michael, I?—’
‘You don’t need to marry him, or anyone. Not if you don’t want to. You are more than strong and capable enough to rule by yourself.’
I stare at him, my lips parting.
‘Your heart matters, too. What happened between us, at the ball… I know you feel as I do. You would have left the room, if he was what you truly wanted.’ He moves closer, his hand coming to my chin. My eyes close, every nerve ending on my body alight, responding to the heat of him, the pull between us igniting once more. His lips brush mine, then he pulls back. I open my eyes.
‘If I start kissing you now,’ he says, his voice a low growl, ‘I’m not going to be able to stop. And I want you to have choice. Even if everyone and everything else takes it away from you, I will always fight for your right to choose.’
